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A Freelancer Parody *COMPLETED 7/9/06!*

Read, add and comment on excellent written stories by fans, set within the Freelancer universe

Post Sun Feb 26, 2006 12:35 am

Finally the next chapter is done, and it's the longest chapter yet at over 11 pages in print layout! Also, I HAVE 200 BRAINS NOW! Must...eat...more...brains...

MOB FORTRESS, KIEV, UKRAINE

JANUARY 31, 2006 (Just so you know, this is supposed to happen immediately after the events in the last chapter’s mob scene)

MISSION OBJECTIVES:

PRIMARY OBJECTIVE: RESCUE STARMAN OMEGA FROM THE CLUTCHES OF THE MOB

SECONDARY OBJECTIVE: CAPTURE OR TERMINATE THE MOB LEADERS TO CRIPPLE THE MOB’S OPERATIONS

TERTIARY OBJECTIVE: STEAL THE MOB’S BRAIN CELL GROWING EQUIPMENT TO ENSURE ENOUGH FOOD FOR THE NOMADS

Nomad 1: I’d much prefer some chocolate to more brains.

Everyone: NO!

QUATERNARY OBJECTIVE: DISABLE OR DESTROY THE MOB’S TRACKING DEVICE

QUINT-

Trent: Enough with the objectives!

FINE THEN, BE THAT WAY

Orillion: What’s the plan?

Ozu: Our stolen plans of the fortress show that Starman Omega is being held in one of the top floors of the fortress. We’ll grapple up to the roof (the Nomads can simply climb up like a slug would), use some explosives to blow a hole in the roof, and lower ourselves down into the building. Once that‘s done, we hack into a computer terminal to find exactly where he is, then we rescue him using our blasters to kill the guards or ninja smoke bombs if we need to run away. After that, we get back onto the roof, where the others will pick us up. Then we jam the radar and escape.

Trent: Do we have all our equipment ready?

Ozu: Let’s see. Grappling hooks, check. Blasters, check. Explosives, check. Plasma cutter, check. Ninja smoke bombs, check. Alright, MOVE OUT MEN!

Juni: And women.

Ozu: MOVE OUT PEOPLE!

Nomad 2: What about us?

Ozu: Alright, MOVE OUT…uhhh…ORGANIC LIFEFORMS!

Chapter 14: Get Rid Of Slimy nomadS

Von Claussen: Trent, the Rheinland fleet is amassing at a secret installation that we have no tactical info on and that is also surrounded by mines and radiation that actually hurts you. We have to attack that installation with our small wing of fighters to stop the Rheinland war machine. Sound good?

Trent: Certain death, basically no chance of success, hey, sounds like any story mission! What are we waiting for?

Gimli: You stole my line!

Trent: No I didn’t, I added the part about the story mission, did you hear that?

Gimli: I don’t care, apologize or you’ll regret it!

Trent: And what’ll you do to me, hit my Barracuda with an axe?

(Suddenly, a ship that looks like an Eagle decloaks in front of Trent)

Gimli: This is my new Phoenix Super Heavy Fighter, it has 8 guns, 15,000 armor, and 2 torpedoes! You’re no match for it!

Trent: But that ship doesn’t even exist!

Gimli: It does now!

CONSOLE: GIMLI IS BEING EJECTED FOR MODDING

Gimli: Argh! I’ll get you next time!

(Gimli’s ship disappears)

Von Claussen: O_o

Trent: Oh, this is nothing compared to what I have to put up with normally!

Von Claussen: How can you do all this and not go insane?

Trent: I did, in Chapter 10.

Von Claussen: Ah, I see.

(They fly into the minefield)

DANGER: RADIATION DAMAGE DETECTED

Trent: Ah, shut up.

Von Claussen: Our scanners are picking up a huge open area with a massive installation.

Trent: Well what do you think, they just put this nomad minefield here for decoration?

Von Claussen: I was just telling you.

Trent: Hey, this radiation is actually hurting me! That’s not supposed to happen; radiation is just there to annoy you with that flashing icon!

Von Claussen: I assume you’ve only encountered Type I radiation. This is Type III.

Trent: What is that?

If you didn’t know, there are four types of radiation in Freelancer. Each radioactive field is sorted into one of these types based on a pilot’s reaction when he enters the field.

Type I: “Jeez, I’ve been sitting here in a Starflier for 30 minutes, and my health still hasn’t gone down!” – Most commonly known to be in Sigma-13 and Tau-23, however it can be found in a lot of places.

Type II: “Hmm…This is hurting me a bit. Better not stay too long or I’ll have to pay a lot for repairs.”- Found in Galileo and Kepler’s dark matter clouds and around certain wrecks, among other locations.

Type III: “Wow, this radiation is powerful. Glad I brought some nanobots along.” – Can be found only in Texas, Hokkaido, Dresden, Omega-11, the upper Unknown system, and a few story missions.

Type IV (AKA Omega-41 radiation): “(Immediately turns around, gets out of there, then uses nanobots to repair the 25% hull lost in 3 seconds in a Titan) HOLY CARP THAT IS INSANE” – I think you can tell from the name where to find this.

Von Claussen: I hate to cut this lesson on radiation types short, but we’re coming in to the installation.

(The clouds clear away, and the 6 nomad battleships are there along with the biggest Rheinland fleet yet)

Trent: O_O Sweet. I want one of those experimental ships.

Von Claussen: They’re not that good for a battleship, Trent. They only have 15 turrets, when a Rheinland battleship has 21. Also they’re so big you’d never be able to get anywhere.

Trent: But just look at their amazing purple shinyness!

Von Claussen: I just thought of something. If they’re that big, how did they get them in through the mines in the first place? Or any of those other Rheinland capships?

Rheinland fleet commander (AKA Arnold Clone #5): We didn’t. We just built that minefield around the installation.

Trent: But how will you get the ships out then?

RFC: Well we, uhhh…D’oh! Oh well, prepare to die! (Fleet attacks)

DESTROY THE EXPERIMENTAL BATTLESHIPS

Trent: Arrrgh, Juni messed with my ship again!

Botzler: No, we do have to blow them all up. Luckily you just have to destroy one and then I’ll kamikaze and wipe out all of them.

Trent: Well if you’re just going to kamikaze anyways, why not do it right now?

Botzler: Good idea. FOR RHEINLAND! (Crashes into one of the battleships and nothing happens) What happened?

That won’t happen yet! MUAHAHAHAHA!!

Trent: How can you possibly be so cruel?

Because I like watching you all suffer.

Trent: But enough with the sarcasm, why do you really do that?

That wasn’t sarcasm.

Trent: >_< Fine then, if it’s the only way to get out of here… (Starts shooting one of the nomad battleships)

Bundschuh pilot: Help, the Rheinland battleships are keeping us away from the installation!

Trent: Just stay really close to the ships, then they can’t hit you!

Bundschuh pilot: No, we’re just dumb NPCs. We’d prefer to dogfight with the massive Rheinland fleet and get slaughtered in 5 seconds.

Trent: Well, your call then. Jeez, this thing takes forever to kill!

Bundschuh pilots: For Rheiahhhhhhhh!!!

Trent: Well what do you know, 5 seconds exactly. And finally the ship is about to explode!

If you think nomad battleships make bright explosions in the game, that’s nothing compared to what it’s like when you’re actually there. This is caused by an ingenious defense mechanism that causes the battleship, when it explodes, to emit an extremely intense pulse of light along with UV rays. This light is filtered out by Nomad ships though so it doesn’t affect other Nomads. The idea is to temporarily blind enemies if they manage to destroy a battleship and then wipe them out quickly before they recover. Luckily, Trent managed to look away just in time, but it reflected off some random metal object in the back of the cockpit that I’m too lazy to think of what it was.

Trent: (Starts flying in circles) AGGHHHHH! MY EYES, THEY BURN!! I’M BLIND!!

Luckily for Trent, the Rheinlanders were not in Nomad ships and they were blinded too. About 2 minutes later though, it wore off and the shooting started again.

Botzler: My wing has been destroyed!

Trent: You don’t say.

Botzler: My men will not have died in vain! Just go, before I cause the other 5 nomad battleships to explode simultaneously!

Trent: EEP! (Starts flying very fast to the exit)

Botzler: FOR RHEINLAND! (Crashes into the battleship and bounces off) Huh? What happened?

In case you didn’t notice, crashing into something in Freelancer does almost no damage.

Botzler: But what about in Chapter 3?

Good point. (Battleships start exploding)

Botzler: Yay, they’re all blowing up!

You know you’re going to blow up too, right?

Botzler: Ah nuts. (Explodes)

Now if you think one nomad battleship exploding is bad for your eyes, imagine what 5 exploding simultaneously can do. What, you’re too lazy to? Oh alright, then it caused the demand for Optical Chips to skyrocket on account of the Rheinland Military needing them for all the pilots who suffered severe retinal damage. The good thing was quite a few traders became rich as a result of selling a few loads of optical chips for $5,000 each unit. Although luckily Trent was not looking at the explosions, the light reflected off the mines and had the same effect as staring at a computer screen for 6 hours straight.

Trent: Ow, my eyes! (Looks back) OK, I’m not even going to ask how all 5 of them exploded. I’m just going to accept it and move on.

Von Claussen: BOTZLER! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-(Hits a mine) Ow!-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-(hits another mine, killing his shield) Right, I think that’s enough of that. Let’s just go through that jumphole.

HAMBURG

Trent: Phew, we’re finally out of that. Now as long as we don’t get any surprises like a battleship decloaking right in front of us-

(Battleship Odin decloaks)

Trent: How did I know that would happen?! I think I’ll go insane again if just one more ship decloaks!

(The Osiris decloaks)

Trent: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (Starts flying around dodging fire like a maniac)

Juni: Trent, it’s me, Juni. Land here quickly, we have to get out of here.

Trent: AHHHHHHHH- Oh it’s you Juni, for the first time I’m actually glad to see you!

Juni: -_- Just land.

BATTLESHIP OSIRIS

(There is a sign there saying “Welcome to the Osiris. We proudly brew Starbucks coffee”

Trent: Is nowhere safe from them?!

Juni: Nope. The Osiris is home to the largest Starbucks in space! And this must be…

Hakkera: HERR VON CLAUSSEN!

Von Claussen: O_O What did I do?

Hakkera: Nothing, I’m just practicing my shouting. The ability to shout very loudly is essential to a military officer!

Trent: What about leadership and tactics?

Hakkera: No, no, those don’t matter nearly as much! And I must be good if I’m President, Secretary, First Tiger, and trusted lieutenant!

Trent: This is The Order, right? Wouldn’t Orillion be president?

Hakkera: Oh, he’s the supreme leader and dictator-for-life. And we’ve changed our name, now we’re called G.R.O.S.S.

Trent: G.R.O.S.S.? What the heck does that stand for? And what’s wrong with The Order?

Hakkera: The Order? We ditched that name when you were escaping from Bretonia, it’s way too generic. G.R.O.S.S. is a much better name, it stands for Get Rid Of Slimy nomadS. This way, everyone knows what we do!

King: Hey, Trent! Welcome aboard the Osiris, a fine ship from the Liberty Naval Labs!

Trent: OMG it’s a conspiracy!

Juni: Nope, we just stole it from them. It’s an advanced prototype with cloaking ability.

CONSOLE: Cloaking? Where?

Juni: No, it’s just us on the Osiris.

CONSOLE: Oh, alright, carry on.

Trent: Who can steal a battleship and not get caught?

Orillion: I do. My name is Gasper Orillion, the supreme leader, dictator-for-life, and top scout of Get Rid Of Slimy nomadS. And I know I look like a clone of Morpheus, don’t bother telling me.

Trent: So you used to work for Liberty?

Orillion: I did, until my CO got taken over by the Nomads. I managed to escape and then decided to find out everything I could about them. Then I got some recruits and…

(30 minutes later)

Orillion: So that’s the story of everything that happened in the colonies since they found the Nomads. Got that?

Trent: (Snore)

Orillion: WAKE UP! You never fall asleep when the dictator-for-life is talking!

Trent: Oh, I’m just tired. How about we go to the Starbucks?

Orillion: Good idea, I haven’t had any coffee for 30 minutes now!

(At the Starbucks)

Orillion: I’ll order first. I’ll have a grande 1% whipped cream extra shot…

Trent: Aw crap, this is gonna take a while.

(5 minutes later)

Orillion: …light soymilk latte. Trent, what are you going to get?

Trent: Finally! I’ll get a-

Counter guy: One grande 1% whipped cream extra shot…

Trent: Argh, not again!

(5 minutes later, again)

CG: …light soymilk latte!

Trent: Can I PLEASE order now?

CG: Sure, go ahead.

Trent: I think I’ll have a mocha frappuccino.

CG: Frappuccino? That is so 21st century!

Trent: Fine then, I’ll just get a tall latte.

CG: O_O Nothing else?

Trent: Nope.

CG: WE HAVE A SPECIAL ORDER! It may take a few minutes; he needs to find a machine for normal coffee.

Trent: That’s Starbucks for you.

ENDE CHAPTERE FOURTEENE

(On top of the mob fortress)

Trent: Hey, there are windows, you can see down into the top floor!

Ozu: Looks like there are no guards over here. Plant the explosives here.

Von Claussen: (Sets the explosives) Fire in ze hole! (BOOM)

Now that there was a big hole in the roof, everyone attached their grappling hooks to random things on the roof and threw the ropes in. While they were lowering themselves in, they heard the Mission Impossible music playing.

Mobster 1: (In the next room over) TURN THAT STEREO DOWN, WE CAN HEAR THAT MOVIE IN HERE!

Mobster 2: (In the room next to that one) Sorry. (Music stops playing)

Ozu: Alright, now that we’re down here, we need to find a computer terminal.

Nomad 1: There’s one over there.

Trent: Good, luckily I brought these computer spikes along.

Orillion: Trent, stop, this is not Knights of the Old Republic!

Trent: (Jams a computer spike into the computer)

OVERRIDE SUCCESSFUL
ACCESS GRANTED

Trent: Apparently it is.

Orillion: Move over, I’ll do the hacking. OK, view maps, 11th floor, hey, here he is! He’s on the next floor down in Cell Block 3C. Now, check security cameras, cell block 3C, look everyone! This is where he’s being held. According to this (clicks a few times), the guards will be changed in 15 minutes. Then we’ll go rescue him. Remember, we’re not Han Solo; we can’t just blast through everything.

Ozu: Actually, I have been trained by him in the great art of shooting a lot of people without getting hit yourself.

Orillion: Well, no one but Ozu is Han Solo. We still have to try not to be seen.

Juni: Look, this says “Overload Terminal”. Maybe we should do that to destroy any evidence that we were hacking the computer.

Orillion: Good idea.

Trent: No don’t! It’ll-

(BOOM)

Trent: …explode.

Nomad 2: (extra-crispy) Ouchies.

Also, it's the one-year anniversary of A Freelancer Parody! When I started this, I had no idea it would get this popular. Thanks to all the readers for reviewing and yelling at me to get the chapters done .

Want to get the chapters of A Freelancer Parody before anyone else? Click here for more info.

Edited by - Starman Omega on 2/26/2006 12:46:32 AM

Post Sun Feb 26, 2006 1:27 am

Wow, its 3:15 am, I cant sleep, so I hit TLR and what do I find? An update!
G.R.O.S.S. - I love Calvin and Hobbes

Never argue with an idiot, because they will bring you down to their level and win through experience

Post Thu Mar 02, 2006 4:16 pm

That was good! G.R.O.S.S.? Very original, who would of thunk it?

I'm A Forum Bowser!

Post Mon Mar 06, 2006 4:06 pm

Wow omega, the Mob stuff was as good as the parody, lol.
Love this work, just get busy, lol
You need to type faster! FASTER I SAY!

bIleSmeh DaH DuDorjaj yo' qij Dujmey!

Edited by - chupa on 3/6/2006 4:06:15 PM

Post Tue Mar 07, 2006 8:58 am

STARMAN! I see your online! You can't leave until you have given us the next chapter!

bIleSmeh DaH DuDorjaj yo' qij Dujmey!

Post Sat Mar 11, 2006 3:51 pm

Great chapter Starman, this one is great just like the rest

hahahehehe ^^

Post Wed Mar 15, 2006 12:47 am

.......wow.......

Starman Omega, I hereby crown you the *deep breath* OVERLORD-OF-ALL-FANFICS-AND-ALL-THINGS-TO-DO-WITH-FANFICS-AND-IF-ANYONE-DISAGREES-THEY-ARE-OBVIOUSLY-MOBSTERS-AND-JEALOUS-AND-MUST-BE-DESTROYED!

Great work! Get the next chapter out PLEASE! I can already feel the ravages of withdrawal approaching....

Post Thu Mar 23, 2006 12:41 pm

Get ready, for Chapter 15: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Torpedo is coming soon! We must all stand together to defeat the great Nomad conspiracy to corrupt our precious bodily fluids!

Want to get the chapters of A Freelancer Parody before anyone else? Click here for more info.

Do a barrel roll!

Edited by - Starman Omega on 3/23/2006 12:41:04 PM

Post Fri Mar 24, 2006 11:23 am

"When Johnny comes marching home again, Hurrah. Hurrah."

Hmmm, Dr. Strange-Clair, anyone?

bIleSmeh DaH DuDorjaj yo' qij Dujmey!

Post Wed Mar 29, 2006 3:52 am

Sorry this is taking so long, but a lot of homework combined with sports and writer's block means I don't have much time to work on the chapter.

Post Thu Mar 30, 2006 2:56 pm

I cant wait to see this in the completed area of the site! I will totally dl it and read it time and again without the annoying posts inbetween!

I'm A Forum Bowser!

Post Sun Apr 02, 2006 4:54 am

Man, this was the greatest ever. Love it, every single bit of text included humour. You're the master.

But the master must also work... hehehe.

*Continues building the 115th mob fortress in an underground cave.*

Post Tue Apr 04, 2006 9:32 pm

OK, I have 2 weeks off after this week, so then I should finally be able to work on the chapter. Again, I'm really sorry about the extremely long wait.

Post Wed Apr 05, 2006 12:01 pm

OMG, a Doctor Strangelove reference. You're my hero!

Insert witty comment here

Post Tue Apr 11, 2006 11:17 pm

Chapter 15: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Torpedo

(Don’t worry; there will be a mob scene at the end of this chapter)

As the chapter started, Orillion was taking Trent on a tour of the Osiris. He had just taken Trent into an impressive looking room with a lot of shiny computers and buttons.

Orillion: And this is our Main Control Room. We followed rules #65 and #90 on the Evil Overlord List when redesigning it so not every workstation is facing away from the entrance. Also, if anyone boards the Osiris, the maps have a different room marked as the main control room. That room is actually the main reactor. This room is labeled Sewage Overflow Containment.

Trent: Well, that’s one way to stop invaders!

Orillion: Come, I’ll show you the brig. We have a few people in there who seem to know you.

Trent: Hmmm, I wonder who that could be…

(In the brig)

Trent: I haven’t found anyone who I recognize. Just a bunch of random Nomad-possessed navy officers.

Orillion: No, I haven’t shown you the best part yet. Here, recognize this guy? I was told you raced him once.

Trent: Hovis?!

Sure enough, Hovis was in the cell. Something seemed a bit different about him though. Maybe it was the fact he was cowering in the corner and shaking.

Hovis: Monkeys…monkeys…monkeys…nomads…nomads…nomads…they’re coming…THEY’RE COMING! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (Starts running around crashing into walls)

Orillion: We found him in an extremely badly damaged Titan in the Omicron Gamma system. From the ship’s log, we know he stole it on the monkey planet in the nearby Unknown system. Unfortunately for him, that Corsair had come to transport several tons of raw sugar to the planet and it hadn’t been offloaded yet. Even worse, the anti-scanner plating had been removed for a repair from the radiation.

Trent: Holy crap, that must have been bad.

Orillion: It was. The ship’s black box shows it was chased by no less than 20 Nomads across the entire system and logs 83 hits from Nomad guns.

Trent: O_O That would make anyone go insane.

Orillion: That’s why we took him aboard, for his own safety. Anyway, want to see the next guy?

Trent: OK, show me.

Trent didn’t really recognize the next guy; however he instantly remembered when the guy started talking. It was the annoying Rheinlander from the time they had rescued Sinclair. (BTW, if you want to get an idea of what this guy is supposed to be like, buy/downlo-*is shot by the RIAA* a TV show called Father Ted. I pretty much based him off Father Noel in the episode The Mainland.)

Annoying Rheinlander: Well how are you today? I see we have new visitors, right? How are you? Wait, did I already ask that three sentences ago? Oh well, who cares?

Trent: Wait, you’re not an Arnold Clone?

AR: Not at all, I was a new prototype! Unfortunately something went a bit wrong in the process, so they discontinued it! Hey, let’s sing a song together! I’ve been getting pretty bored down here.

Orillion: (Whispers to Trent) Just say something, otherwise he never shuts up.

Trent: Alright, how about the Bohemian Rhapsody?

AR: Oh yes, that one! Pretty old, but it’s still a great tune! (Starts singing very badly) I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity! Easy come, easy go, will you yet me go? BASMILLA NO!!!! (I have no idea how to actually spell that)

(Trent and Orillion start sneaking out)

AR: …Beelzebub has a devil put aside for meeeee, for meeeeee, FOR MEEEEEEEEEE!!! YEE-HAW!!! (Starts looking around) Trent, Trent, where did you go? Don’t you want to see my new cowboy hat?

(In the next hallway)

Trent: I’m getting out of here before he starts singing again.

Orillion: Wait, just two more. Here’s one right here.

This one was much weirder than the others, mainly the fact that he was a ghost and the cell had shields all around it.

Ghost: (Muttering to himself) Thieves, thieves, the filthy little thieves! They stoles it from us, they stoles the precious! We wrings their filthy little necks!

Trent: What is that “precious”?

(Ghost turns around)

Trent: Oh crap, it’s the Artifact Guy’s ghost!

AG’s ghost: IT’S THEM! THE FILTHY LITTLE HOBBITSES! YOU STOLES IT FROM US!

Trent: (Stats backing away very slowly, then runs)

AG’s ghost: THIEF, THIEF TRENTSES! WE HATES IT FOREVER!!

Although Trent was very eager to get out of there, Orillion insisted on showing him one more. Actually there were two guys in the cell, and the strangest part was that the ship they had been flying in was sitting in the next cell over, and it looked like an old 20th century phone booth. Not to mention they could make guitar noises with their fingers.

Orillion: (Looks at clock) It’s almost time for the meeting. Follow me.

Trent: Finally, we’re getting out of this madhouse!

(In the War Room)

Orillion: This meeting of top-secret organization G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy nomadS) will come to order, supreme ruler and dictator-for-life Orillion presiding!

Von Claussen: Hear hear!

Orillion: First, secretary Hakkera will review the minutes.

Hakkera: It’s 1:30 Manhattan time.

Orillion: Excellent. Now a field report from top scout Orillion! President Jacobi has been captured and is being held in Alaska. I need Fourth Tiger Trent and…

Trent: Wait, what does “Fourth Tiger” mean?

Orillion: Well, instead of using the generic ranks of Colonel, Lieutenant, and others like that, instead the top-ranking officers other than me have Tiger ranks. First Tiger is the highest next to me.

Trent: Got it. Carry on.

Orillion: As I was saying, Fourth Tiger Trent and Fifth Tiger Jun’ko Zane must lead the attack. But instead of explaining it to you, I’ll just hand out these maps. They make it easier to visualize anyway. You can take coded or non-coded, but you’ll have to destroy the non-coded ones after. Herr von Claussen, hand them out.

Trent: I’ll just take a coded one in case it gets captured or something. I know a lot of codes.

The sheet of paper (yes, they still use paper in the year 3000) showed badly drawn maps of the New York and Alaska systems and the path that the fleet and the Osiris would take. Unfortunately, everything else was in huge strings of random numbers.

Trent: Hey, what does this code mean?

Von Claussen: Each letter has a totally random number so it’ll be hard to crack. A is 34,972,017, B is 42, C is…

Trent: Never mind, just give me the uncoded one.

The uncoded map, being uncoded, was naturally much easier to understand. It showed the path they would take, along with pictures and a description anywhere with an important step. It was titled: “Operation KAPOW”: TOP SECRET. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE NOT AT LEAST 10TH TIGER. AND YES THIS MEANS YOU!!! Credits: Genius and mastermind: Dictator Orillion. Official cartographer: Second Tiger Herr von Claussen. DESTROY THIS MAP AFTER READING.

Trent: This looks OK. Let’s go!

(In space)

Trent: Wait, I have to destroy this first. (Jettisons the report and shoots it with a torpedo)

Juni: That was the very definition of overkill.

Trent: Well, it is destroyed. Come on, let’s get to New York!

King: The Navy is probably guarding all the jumpholes into New York by now. So you go first, Trent!

Trent: Well, it is just New York. How bad could it be?

NEW YORK SYSTEM

Trent: PATRIOTS?! (Starts laughing) Is that the best you’ve got? What are you going to do, blink me to death with those pathetic Justice guns? (Gets hit with a barrage of Vengeance Mk. III fire, killing his shields) Hey, stop cheating!

Luckily, the Patriots weren’t cheating that much, so Trent went on to win the fight. He then went to Buffalo, but he had to wait about 10 minutes to dock because the idiot at the console didn’t realize the doors weren’t opening because the console wasn’t turned on at all. That’s Rogues for you.

BUFFALO BASE

Juni: Hello Walker.

Walker: Shouldn’t you be a bit surprised to see me?

Juni: Nope. One of many video game clichés is that if you don’t actually see a main character die, they’re not dead.

Walker: True.

(In space)

King: Look, LSF ships!

Trent: King, the radar says Order.

King: I said Order. You just misheard me.

Trent: Whatever. Wait a second, why does it say Order in the first place? They changed their name a while back, and these ships were made by them!

King: Well, the person who made the scanners for the ships had a dispute with some of the other members on the name change. He wanted to call it The Icy Black Hand of Death Group, so he used the old name as a protest.

Trent: Ah, I see.

Juni: Hurry, let’s get to the inner-system jumphole. We have to take out that satellite so that the Osiris can come in undetected.

(After the jumphole)

Juni: The satellite’s very close. In fact, it’s about 7K away, so I won’t bother putting up a waypoint because you can see it from here.

Trent: Hey, there are only a few weapons platforms near it! This will be easy!

Juni: There are Navy fighters on an intercept course! And they’re cheating and using class 7 guns!

This was probably the toughest fight yet, since the Navy ships had those annoying Nomad prototype guns which take out your shields in about half a second. Trent was forced to use most of his nanobots and shield batteries to stay alive.

(5 minutes later)

Juni: Alright, that was the last one, now let’s kill the satellite!

Orillion: Trent, Juni, our cloaking device has been damaged. Don’t bother with that satellite.

Trent: >_< D’OH!

(Near Zone-21)

Juni: It’s good to be flying with you again, Walker.

Trent: Hey, I just realized that we haven’t gotten any evil music yet.

Walker: A lot has happened since you left Liberty. The democracy we once served is now a bloodthirsty military dictatorship. (Dun dun duuuunnnnnnn)

Trent: Ah, there it is.

Walker: Let’s move out! Follow me into Zone-21.

DANGER: MINES DETECTED

Trent: You don’t say.

Juni: Enemy fighters ahead, engage! Holy…What kind of weapons are they carrying?

Trent: The same ones that the ones at the satellite had.

Juni: No, I mean what are they?

Trent: Nomad Prototype: This appears to be an attempt to configure Nomad weapon technology to be compatible with ships from the colonies. Hull damage 302, shield damage 151, range 699 meters, speed 600 meters per second. Don’t you ever use the cargo scanner?

Juni: The point is, they hurt and we need to kill them so I can open the gate.

ALASKA SYSTEM

Walker: We’re moving out. Don’t fire on anything.

Juni: I sealed the gate behind us, so we’ll be safe now.

King: But what about when we have to go out the same way?

Juni: …Well we’ll worry about that later, let’s just get the president.

King: There’s the prison station.

Juni: We’re here. Ready your sidearms. I’ll dock first, then Trent and King.

Trent: What, you dock first? The one who invented the “Trent always goes in first” rule?

Juni: Yeah, I thought I’d do something different for a change.

Trent: Quick, someone get over here! I think she’s been possessed by a Nomad!

Juni: -_-

PRISON STATION MITCHELL

Jacobi: What is the meaning of this?

Random Liberty Guy: Sorry about your shoulder, we tried to dress it as well as we could. He requested you should be taken unharmed.

Jacobi: Who did it?

(The Chancellor walks out)

Jacobi: Some random Clone?

Chancellor: I am the Chancellor of Rheinland, you fool! I am not just any clone; I am a cybernetic organism model 101! I AM THE TERMINATOR! BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Jacobi: Whatever. You will still pay for this!

(The Nomad tentacle comes out of his mouth)

Jacobi: WTF?

Of course, at this point Trent dove in sideways in slow motion while shooting the guards. Then everyone came in and a huge gunfight ensued. Trent dove again for good measure and kept shooting until only the Chancellor remained. Being a Terminator, however, he was not so easy to kill.

Walker: (Shoots the Chancellor)

Chancellor: Hasta la vista baby! (Pulls out a HUGE shotgun and blows a big hole in the wall where Walker was just standing)

Juni: It looks like I’ll have to use my secret weapon. Everyone get down!

Juni pulled out a grenade-like object from her pocket. However it looked very fancy, like that ball thing the Queen of England has at the coronation. She pulled out a cross-shaped pin and threw the grenade at the Chancellor. There was a deafening shout of “HALLELUJAH!” and a huge explosion occurred.

Juni: I knew that Holy Hand Grenade would get him.

Jacobi: Watch out!

For apparently the Chancellor/Terminator was not fully dead. A large, very cheesy looking robot was advancing towards them. Suddenly however, the robot started to collapse.

Chancellor robot: Curse…you…shouldn’t…have…used…those…cheap…batteries…

Trent: Finally it’s dead!

Nomad: BLARGHHH!! I AM AN EVIL AND SCARY AND MIGHTY NOMAD! FEAR ME PATHETIC HUMANS! BUAHAHAHAHA-(Gets shot by Jacobi)

Jacobi: Burn, you son of a @#$&#.

(Silence)

Jacobi: What?

(In space)

The Nomad fighter squad was preparing for battle. It had just entered Alaska at this point.

Nomad 1: Everyone stay alert! The enemy is near!

Nomad 4: Enemy spotted at 4K!

Nomad 1: Roger. Activate sugar injectors!

Juni: Here comes the hard part, we’re not going to surprise ‘em this time.

Nomad 4: DESTROY! ANNIHILATE! OBLITERATE! ERADICATE! POWER OVERWHELMING!

Juni: WTF is that?

King: Nomads, we’ve got to get to the gate! Here we are, and…The gate is blocked!

Trent: For God’s sake, can’t anything be easy in this mission? The only thing worse would be if one of our cruisers spontaneously exploded!

LNS Phoenix: We have a breach, everyone evac-(Explodes)

Trent: Just my luck.

Walker: There’s no time left, we’ll all die if we stay here! I have a large amount of gravimetric mines on board that can kill both of these battleships!

Juni: There must be another w-Forget I said that.

Walker: No, there isn’t. Goodbye Jun’ko, win this one for me!

Juni: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-(Takes deep breath)-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Trent: That’s getting old; I’ve already heard that same thing twice. And we have to get out of here.

Juni: I can’t just leave! I need time to mourn my loss! (Gets hit with a few missiles and a barrage of Nomad laser fire, taking off half of her hull) But not here. Let’s go.

Meanwhile, on the Osiris, things were not going well. Liberty Navy was developing a new EMP missile back near the beginning of the story? Well, they had finished it, and it had been enhanced with Nomad technology. When the Osiris came was approaching the jumphole to New York, a squad of Defenders came through and someone managed to fire one of these new missiles off before the Osiris was able to cloak. The blast had fried a critical circuit in the cloaking device, so the Osiris could not sneak around. At this point, they were approaching Zone-21 to come to the rescue.

Orillion: Hurry up, before they all get wiped out!

Navigation officer: Sir, the pathway through the mines is being blocked by another battleship! We can’t get in!

Orillion: Use the nuclear torpedoes then!

Weapon officer: Got it. (Hits a button) Ah great, the torpedo doors are jammed!

Orillion: Then send someone down to fix them! And whose idea was it to play “When Johnny goes marching home again” over the speakers?

Weapon officer: But that would be extremely dangerous, about a 75% chance to get killed!

Orillion: Hmmm, we need someone who we all want to get rid of, someone who no one likes…

(2 minutes later)

Annoying Rheinlander: Ah, this looks like the weapons bay! Wow, those torpedoes are huge! Bet they make a big bang when they go off!

Orillion: JUST HURRY UP AND FIX IT!

AR: Alright, alright, no need to shout. Hey, there’s the problem, a wire is broken! Hmmm, I can’t reach it from here. I’ll have to climb up on the torpedo. Just make sure to fire the other one, OK?

Orillion: You wish.

AR: What did you say?

Orillion: Nothing, nothing.

The annoying Rheinlander then got up on the massive, ship-sized torpedo and joined the two wires. This caused the doors to open.

AR: YEEEEE-HAW!!

Of course, then the torpedo he was on dropped out of the ship.

AR: (Waving his cowboy hat around) YEEEEEEEEE-HAWWWWWWWW!! WOOOOO-WOHOOOO!! Hey, how am I yelling in space?

The area was lit up with a massive nuclear explosion.

ENDE CHAPTERE FIFTEENE

Trent: (Looks around corner) Clear!

Orillion: Look out, there are two behind! (Shoots one mobster, the other is shot by Juni)

Trent: Quick, through this door! It leads to cell block 3C.

Ozu: There are a lot of guards in there. I’ll clear them out. (Runs in) YAAAAAAAA!!

Strangely, the guards all fled from Ozu’s wrath when they couldn’t possibly lose if they just turned around and shot at him. He chased them through a few hallways until they ran into a big room filled with hundreds of guards.

Ozu: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Runs back out, pursued by a huge group of them)

Guard 1: Close the blast doors!

Ozu: (Dives through the closing doors at the last second)

Guard 1: Open the blast doors, open the blast doors!

Ozu: Phew, that was close.

He then rejoined the other group as the guards desperately tried to open the doors. Suddenly, a little squeaking robot came up to them.

Robot: Squeak?

Nomad 1: BLARRRRG!

Robot: Squeeeeeeak! (Drives off at top speed)

Von Claussen: There he is!

Finally, I’m being rescued! Let’s get out of here before they find out.

Trent: Actually, they sort of did find out.

What do you mean?

Trent: There are a few guards who will be chasing us once they open the blast doors a few hallways back. We need to get back to the roof.

Quick, come this way. It leads to the emergency access elevator.

(Suddenly, a huge group of guards bursts in)

Trent: That would be them.

Von Claussen: RUN!

Nomad 2: You don’t have to tell me twice! (Starts moving away very quickly)

Trent: (Running) How do you Nomads run so fast? You don’t even have legs!

Nomad 1: It’s quite complicated, actually.

Juni: Look out, they’re cutting us off up ahead!

Trent: Is there any way out?

Well, there is one way by jumping through that floor panel, but it leads to the…

Trent: (Jumps in, along with all the other characters)

Although, they'll probably throw me in anyway after they catch me... (Jumps in)

In this room, a horrible sight greeted them. They were in a pit. But it was much worse that being stuck in a running trash compactor or even an incinerator. This pit was full with hundreds upon hundreds of Furbies.

Orillion: Don’t move a muscle.

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Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. And you don't want to get any on you. - Dilbert and Wally

Edited by - Starman Omega on 5/8/2006 1:01:05 PM

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