Sorry about that, my ISP is a steaming pile of crap. I wrote this on vacation about a week ago when I wasn't able to get on the internet to post it up, then I come back, and the internet is down for 5 FREAKING DAYS. But without further ado, here it is:
MOB FORTRESS, KIEV, UKRAINE (This is the last time, seriously)
As this started out, everyone was being escorted by 2 heavily armed guards through a hall. They turned right through a door and into a room with several more guards.
Guard: The Leader will be here in a few minutes. And don’t think you can try to escape either! Even if you somehow manage to beat us, there’s no way you can fight your way out of this fortress.
Juni: Well this is a nice fix you’ve gotten us in!
Trent: How was I supposed to know where that hole would lead?
Juni: You could’ve at least waited half a second for him to say!
Trent: Half a second is a lot of time when there’s two groups of heavily armed guards after you!
Nomad 1: (Touches its tentacle to my arm)
Can you hear me?
Yeah, I’m not deaf.
Nomad 1:
I’m speaking directly to your mind, so the guards can’t hear. That’s also why my speech is in italics. Anyway, Nomad 2 and I have thought up a plan to get out of here.
OK, what is it?
Nomad 1:
Soon, some mob leader will probably come in and speak to us. Something like, “Well, well, well, what do we have here? Some kind of dumb escape attempt, no doubt.” When he starts laughing manically and doesn’t pay attention, I’ll jump onto that guard with the AK-47 and possess him. All you have to do is keep the others off me long enough and they don’t want to kill you so you won’t get shot or anything like that. There is one problem though.
What?
Nomad 1:
What we do after we get out of the room.
Normally I’d fall over anime style, but I’ve got it covered. (Pulls out a walkie-talkie-like device)
The PPC gave me this as compensation for being kidnapped by that agent. They also informed me he’d been transferred to somewhere he’d be a little less bored.
Nomad 1:
What’s that?
Lord of the Rings, Department of Mary Sues.
Nomad 1:
Hate to be him.
But anyway, they gave me this, a one-time use ordering device for Bosses, Inc. With this, you can have them send any boss from any video game to help you with something. And it just so happens that for some reason, most of the guards here are hardcore Golden Sun players. There’s also a certain boss in that game who is universally loathed and feared by all who play it. When this boss happens to appear in the dining hall during lunch, there will be mass chaos which will make it easier to escape.
Nomad 1:
Oh yes, I think I remember you once playing that game and shouting at your DS something like “NOT ANOTHER DJINN STORM! AAAAHHHHHHH! CURSE YOU! YOU WILL BURN IN THE PITS OF-
OK, I get the point. I’ve also got someone coming as backup. He should be in here by now, but I don’t know how he’ll get past the guards.
(Meanwhile, in another part of the fortress)
Guard 1: Hey, what’s this cardboard box doing here?
Guard 2: Oh well, it’s nothing important. Come on, or we’ll miss lunch! (They walk off around the corner)
Tekagi: (Emerges from under the cardboard box) Works every time.
Chapter 16: Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Sugar Refinery
BATTLESHIP OSIRIS
Trent: Hey, King!
King: How’s it going, Trent? I remember when I first met you on Manhattan. It seems so long ago now.
Trent: By the way, what happened to you and Walker after we left Liberty? How did you survive?
King: Remember, I flew back to Manhattan, so I’m not sure how Walker got out of there.
Trent: Oh yeah, but what happened there?
(Flashback sequence. Woooooooooooooo-)
Trent: Enough!
(*Napoleon Dynamite voice* Gosh!)
MANHATTAN
King: You told me you fixed the engine! It just fell out of the ship within 10 minutes!
Ship dealer: It wasn’t my fault! It was the Nomads! They made me sabotage your ship so you’d be captured!
King: Wait, how do you know about the Nomads?
Ship dealer: Well, I…Good point, actually. But how do you know about them?
King: Hmmmmm…Uh, let’s just go back to 5 lines ago. You told me you fixed the engine! It just fell out of the ship within 10 minutes!
Ship dealer: Don’t worry; I can definitely fix it this time.
King: Forget it; just give me something else for the same price.
Ship dealer: Sorry, but that was the cheapest ship on sale. I can give you back your old Patriot and a refund on that ship though.
King: That’s not good enough if you don’t want me to report you to the Board of Ship Dealers on selling unsafe ships!
Ship dealer: What if I help you cheat and put some class 6 guns and shields on it?
King: Well, I guess that’ll have to do. I need to get out of here quickly anyway, before the police find out I’m here.
(End flashback)
King: After that, I got out of Manhattan and escaped to the Cortez system where I met up with Walker. Luckily, the whole navy was out looking for him, so all I had to do was stay away from police bases.
Juni: Trent, King, I’ve got some work for you.
King: Whaaaaat? Work? Can’t they get anyone else to do it?
Juni: Nope. Here’s the mission profile. Does it look alright?
Trent: Hey, why does it say it’s a suicide mission if we’re just supposed to get a power cell from an abandoned Nomad Sugar Refinery? I don’t like this…What, there’s no decline button? Argh!
OMICRON BETA (OR AT LEAST, A SYSTEM THAT LOOKS LIKE OMICRON BETA BUT ISN’T)
Orillion: We’ve detected the power cell at the center of a giant Nomad sugar refinery. The cloud that surrounds it prevents any deeper scans.
Juni: Are you detecting any Nomads in the area?
Orillion: No, it appears to be abandoned.
Trent: Is that because you can’t detect any because of the cloud?
Orillion: We haven’t seen any entering or leaving the cloud.
Trent: But what if there’s another jumphole inside of it and they don’t have to fly out of it?
Orillion: Stop asking questions, just go. And that’s an order from the dictator-for-life. Also, the jumphole is destabilizing, so we have to get out of here now. You’ll only have 9 minutes, so you need to get the power cell quickly.
Trent: (Starts flying towards the sugar refinery, grumbling all the way)
King: We’re directly above the structure, no visuals yet. Look at the size of that thing!
Trent: Quickly, let’s get to the entrance before we get attacked!
Juni: Stop, you’re just being paranoid again.
Trent: But do you really think the game designers would make it this easy?
Juni: Guess not, but the hazard could be inside it as well.
Nomad leader: Intruders detected! Protect the sugar at all costs!
(A big group of Nomads decloaks)
Trent: Eep! (Flies towards the opening, and bounces off the shield) What is it with Nomads and shielding? They can make these indestructible shields around their bases, but yet they don’t use any shields on their fighters!
Nomad 1: That’s because we don’t fear death, foolish human!
Nomad 5: (Flying around the opposite side of the sugar refinery) I don’t wanna die…
Nomad 1: Except for him, that is. Oh yeah, and we’re kinda supposed to kill you now. (Nomads attack)
King: Ahhh! They’re everywhere!
Juni: Trent, you’ve got to get inside quickly!
Trent: And how do you suggest I do that with that shield up?
King: They didn’t follow rule #221 on the Evil Overlord list, “My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.” If you destroy the 3 generators on the sides of the structure, the shield will go down!
Trent: Got it. (Starts blowing up the generators)
(1 minute later)
Trent: Yes, that was the last one!
Juni: The shield is down; commence attack on the sugar refinery’s main reactor!
Trent: Huh?
Juni: Whoops, forgot to take an Ackbar Syndrome pill before we left. (Swallows a blue pill)
Trent: No, take the red one you fool!
Juni: …
Trent: Oh, sorry, I was thinking of something else. (Flies in)
The inside of the structure was even more impressive than the outside. It was filled with huge sugar-refining machines, a huge fan that didn’t really seem to do anything, and containers filled with a glowing green substance.
Trent:
Irradiated sugar? That stuff must be lethally potent…
Nomad 1: (Gets an idea) It is for most races, even those insects you call cockroaches will get very sick from eating this. However, we, being created to be the ultimate combat life-forms, are resistant to radiation! (Thinking)
It’s working! His ship should be almost destroyed by now.
HULL BREACH IMMINENT.
Trent: %&#@! (Uses his nanobots, then flies through and gets the power cell, which looks much like an oversized Duracell battery, and flies back out)
King: We’ve got to get out of here, they just keep coming! They’re like the Zerg!
Nomad 2: How dare you insult us like that! We’re a very sophisticated and advanced race, not a bunch of mindless, mutated beasts!
Trent: By the way, I got your precious power cell, and there’s nothing you can do about it now! (Simpsons voice) Ha haaaa!
Nomad leader: Why didn’t you just tell us that at the beginning? We thought you were trying to capture the sugar supply! If we’d known you only wanted a power cell that we can buy for NQ$91,326 (about $4 in your money) at the local NomadMart™, we wouldn’t have bothered wasting the fuel to defend the base! All units, don’t bother following them!
Trent: (Flying off) Well he was a nice guy. Hey, what’s up with these turrets? We’re 4K away and they’re still shooting us!
Nomad leader: Wait, if they had that artifact, and they managed to hook it up to that power cell, then…ALL UNITS, AFTER THEM! WINGS 38, 45, AND 50, INTERCEPT THEM IN THE RDL’AERMNI (Omicron Minor) SYSTEM! GET THAT POWER CELL BACK AT ALL COSTS!
Trent: OK, here’s the jumphole. And why are those turrets still shooting at us? At least the other Nomads aren’t following us.
Juni: Trent, don’t look now but…
Sure enough, coming up from behind was a small armada of Nomads.
Trent: OMFG! RUN! (Flies through the jumphole, followed closely by Juni and King)
OMICRON MINOR
Of course, there were even more of them on this side of the jumphole, including some gunboats.
Gunboat pilot: (Bouncing off asteroids) Wheee! This is fun!
Nomad leader: Stop screwing around! Attack!
Trent: Ah nuts.
(A large dogfight ensues, although it’s not really a dogfight when one of the sides is just dodging fire)
Von Claussen: For every spirit, there’s a proper place in hell!
Trent: Cool entrance, Von Claussen. Now could you help us out?
Von Claussen: (Attacks) Each one awaits the gods’ judgment and is assigned a place in hell!
Trent: That kind of ruined the effect of the first line, though.
Von Claussen: Oh, right. (Crosses out a line on a piece of paper saying “Awaits judgment, assigned place in hell”
Juni: There’s too many of them, we have to get out of here!
King: It’s kind of hard when you instantly lose your shields just from stopping your thrusters!
Juni: I’ve got an idea, my backup power device looks just like their power cell! I’ll drop it and maybe they’ll be distracted!
King: OK, do that.
Juni then opened her ship’s cargo bay and jettisoned the backup power. Remember how the Nomad power cell resembled a large Duracell battery? Well, this
was a large Duracell battery.
Nomad leader: They’ve dropped the power cell over there! Quickly, beam it up and don’t let them escape!
However, at this point they were already escaping.
Nomad leader: YOU IDIOTS! YOU LET THEM GET AWAY!
Nomad 3: At least we got the power cell. Here it is. (Looks at it) Wait, this isn’t our power cell! This is inferior human technology!
Nomad leader: WHAT? THIS FAILURE IS UNACCEPTABLE! (Shoots down one of his own ships)
All other Nomads: (Fly away very slowly in reverse, then turn around and cruise away)
Von Claussen: We have to get away before they return. Head for Toledo.
PLANET TOLEDO
Trent: What is this place?
Von Claussen: The secret home of G.R.O.S.S. They built it in only a few months.
Most of what they saw on the outside of the base wasn’t that impressive, just a few landing pads and a window. However, there was a large banner titled “The Seven Commandments of Get Rid Of Slimy nomads”. It had 7 lines saying the following:
1. Whatever goes upon no legs is an enemy.
2. Whatever goes upon two legs, or in a hoverchair, is a friend.
3. No member shall eat jelly.
4. No member shall play “Destroy All Humans”.
5. No member shall drink Tully’s coffee.
6. No member shall have a pet squid.
7. All members are equal, but some are more equal than others.
Orillion (Walks out) I take it you have the power cell?
Trent: Yes, it’s in the cargo hold.
Orillion: Good. Have it taken to Dr. Quintaine.
Trent: By the way, why can’t any members drink Tully’s coffee? I might understand jelly and squids because of their resemblance to Nomads, but why Tully’s?
Orillion: Ah, many people have asked that. It’s because Tully’s has become the most dangerous Nomad conspiracy we’ve ever had to face. Didn’t you wonder why we only drink Starbucks coffee? It’s because Nomads have taken them over and now their coffee has poison added to it that will corrupt our precious bodily fluids.
Trent: But I’ve been to Tully’s a lot before, and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Orillion: You may not think it, but there is. And I’m not crazy either, Sinclair’s proved it. Anyway, come on, into the briefing room.
ENDE CHAPTERE SIXTEENE
(Time for the longest mob scene ever, !!!6 PAGES!!! Yes, I know that’s excessively long, but I want to finish the rescue in this chapter.)
Mob leader: Well, well, what do we have here? Some kind of dumb escape attempt, no doubt. Did you really think anyone can escape from this fortress? HAHAHA-
Then, with the Nomad war cry of “KASSSHHHHHH!”, Nomad 1 jumped into the air (surprising, considering they don’t have any legs) and landed right on the head of one of the guards. At this point, everyone charged into the group of guards and started fighting with them.
Guard 1: AUGHHHHHHHHH! IT’S GOT ME! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!
Mob leader: WAIT! DON’T KILL ANY OF THEM! STOP SHOOTING!
Guard 1: OH MY GOD IT”S SUCKING MY BRAINS OUT! AHHHHH-(Stands perfectly still)-SERVE THE HIVE.
Guard 2: Oh crap.
Guard 1: KASSSHHHHHHH!
The guard immediately started to wildly fire his AK-47 around the room while we all dropped down on the floor like planned. All the guards who were not killed fled out the door, which was promptly barricaded.
(Pulls out the walkie-talkie-device) Hello, is this Bosses, Inc?
Bosses, Inc: Yes, how may we help you?
I need you to send someone to my location.
Bosses, Inc: One moment please. (Pauses) OK, you’re in that mob fortress near Kiev. Now, what boss can we send you? Bowser, Ganon, Ridley, a large group of hive-minded Nomads?
Nomad 2: I resent that! Just because we have a hive doesn’t mean we’re hive-minded! Typical of you humans, always stereotyping about everything…
Actually, I need you to send-(whispers)
Bosses, Inc: You don’t mean…You want us to send
him ?
Yes, you heard it right, don’t ask questions. And could you drop him in by plane through the glass section of the roof?
Bosses, Inc: OK, we’ll send him over immediately.
Nomad 2: (Muttering inaudibly)
Suddenly in the middle of lunch, a tall, fear-imposing headless figure in a suit of armor crashed through the ceiling, brandishing a sword and an energy whip.
Dullahan: I am the shadow, the keeper of light. If you want the sun’s power, show me your own.
There was a short pause in which no one moved or made a sound. A few seconds later, however…
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Suddenly, in the room where our favorite group of characters was, screams could be heard and an alarm sounded. All the guards trying to break through the barricade immediately headed off to fight the fearsome headless boss.
Juni: Quick, let’s go! (Everyone starts heading down the hall)
Wait, we need to stop in this room to pick up some weapons. (Opens the door)
Trent: (Picks up 2 pistols) Woohoo, dual pistols!
Everyone picked up some form of gun, since of course their guns had been taken when they were captured. Juni got an AK-47, Ozu took an M4 assault rifle, Von Claussen picked up a shotgun, and Orillion took a sniper rifle. The Nomads can’t use human-designed weapons since they have no hands, but they still had their possessed guard to use.
And finally, I’ll take this TMP and this flashbang.
Everyone: (Blank stares)
It’s a silenced machine pistol and flash grenade. Didn’t you ever play Counter-Strike? But anyway, we’ve got our guns now. We need to get to the roof by using the service elevator. Follow me!
It was pretty easy to escape, since with all the panic and confusion most of the guards didn’t notice us, were gunned down easily, or ran away at the sight of such a heavily-armed group. Even if a lot of guards were trying to block something, the Nomads’ possessed guard could always be made to tell them “Quick, they went off that way!” to clear the path. Finally, we arrived at the corridor to the service elevator. (BTW, for reasons that will become clear a few lines down, there is another corridor leading to the elevator that goes off to the left)
It’s just around that corner. Send the guard around first.
Nomad 1: Guard, go around that corner and do the same thing as last time.
Possessed guard: Yes, master.
The guard walked around the corner, but then there was a deafening BANG and the guard fell backwards, shot in the middle of the head with an insanely large bullet.
Trent: That’s not good.
Wait, I’ll handle this. (Throws the flash grenade around the corner) Fire in the hole!
Sniper: AHHHHHH! MY EYES! I CAN’T SEE!
DIE! (Jumps out around the corner and kills the sniper with my machine pistol) Haha! Take that you AWPer n00b! Maybe that wouldn’t have happened if you had some real skill! BOOYA!
Everyone: (Blank stares again)
It’s a Counter-Strike thing. You wouldn’t understand.
Ozu: Watch out!
Another sniper had come through the other corridor leading to the elevator and was now taking aim. Before anyone could fire however, a blue particle beam shot through him.
Tekagi: Miss me?
It’s about time. Come on, into the elevator!
(On the roof)
Trent: Oh crap.
For standing around the elevator doors were at least 20 heavily-armed guards.
Guard leader: How did I know you’d use the service elevator? Or, should I say, the trap we designed for any would-be escape attempts? Take ‘em away, boys!
(Meanwhile, in a different part of the fortress)
Guard 1: What’s going on in here? What happened?
Guard 2: Dullahan is in the fortress! We can’t fight him; our bullets just ricochet off his armor!
Guard 1: That’s insane; Dullahan is just a video game character!
Guard 2: Well why don’t you try telling him that when you see him?! I wonder where he is now…
Guard 3: (Running by with several others) He’s right behind us!
Guards 1 & 2: EEP! (Start running after him)
The guards did not escape, however, because they came to a dead end corridor with a large machine in the back.
Dullahan: Now I shall destroy you puny humans!
Guard 4: Fire!
All the guards opened fire with their automatic weapons, since they couldn’t escape anyway. To get a good idea of how well this worked, remember the scene in Terminator 2 with Arnold advancing on the SWAT team. Just replace him with a 12-foot-tall, headless, living suit of armor.
Dullahan. Your pathetic weapons won’t do any damage. But this will! FORMINA SAGE!
Dullahan then unleashed his second most powerful attack at one of the guards. He managed to jump out of the way of the energy whip just in time. However, the machine at the back, being a machine, could not jump out of the way, and was totally wrecked.
(Back on the roof)
Guard leader: Take ‘em away, boys!
Suddenly, another alarm started going off.
Alarm: WARINING! WARNING! MAGICAL AUTHOR POWER STOP-O-MATIC 4000 DESTROYED! ACTIVATE BACKUP DEVICE IMMEDIATELY!
Heh, heh, heh…
Guard leader: Uh oh.
HADOKEN!
When the dust cleared from the explosion, there were no guards left.
(Pulls out a radio) Sinclair, Quintaine, Tobias? We’re at the roof and we need to be picked up quickly. Get over here as fast as you can, before about 50 more guards come!
Sure enough, 50 more guards came out through the main elevator.
Stay back or I’ll fry all of you!
Guard leader of this group: We’re not stupid, you know. We know you can only use that spell once a day.
D’oh!
GLotG: Now we’ve got you! And there’s no way you can get out of this on-(Jumps out of the way of a large laser blast) CRAP! RUN AWAY!
Again, we were saved by dumb luck, as Sinclair’s Clydesdale was hovering above the roof, firing its lasers down at the mob. And a class 4 laser is still powerful enough to instantly kill anyone unlucky enough to get hit. After all the guards were taken care of, the ship lowered and everyone got on.
Orillion: Mission accomplished. At least the primary objective.
Trent: Let’s not start again with all those objectives again, OK? Let’s just get out of here.
(Meanwhile, in the radar room of the mob fortress)
Mob officer: What’s going on?
Mobster at radar: Sir, according to the reports, Dullahan suddenly left, and the others escaped in a ship.
Mob officer: Track them then!
Suddenly, a purple liquid started flowing down the radar screen.
Mob officer: What’s happening?
Mobster at radar: Sir, they jammed our radar!
Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. And you don't want to get any on you. - Dilbert and Wally
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Edited by - Starman Omega on 5/31/2006 6:25:36 AM
Thu May 11, 2006 8:09 am 