Sun Feb 26, 2006 12:35 am
Finally the next chapter is done, and it's the longest chapter yet at over 11 pages in print layout! Also, I HAVE 200 BRAINS NOW! Must...eat...more...brains...
MOB FORTRESS, KIEV, UKRAINE
JANUARY 31, 2006 (Just so you know, this is supposed to happen immediately after the events in the last chapter’s mob scene)
MISSION OBJECTIVES:
PRIMARY OBJECTIVE: RESCUE STARMAN OMEGA FROM THE CLUTCHES OF THE MOB
SECONDARY OBJECTIVE: CAPTURE OR TERMINATE THE MOB LEADERS TO CRIPPLE THE MOB’S OPERATIONS
TERTIARY OBJECTIVE: STEAL THE MOB’S BRAIN CELL GROWING EQUIPMENT TO ENSURE ENOUGH FOOD FOR THE NOMADS
Nomad 1: I’d much prefer some chocolate to more brains.
Everyone: NO!
QUATERNARY OBJECTIVE: DISABLE OR DESTROY THE MOB’S TRACKING DEVICE
QUINT-
Trent: Enough with the objectives!
FINE THEN, BE THAT WAY
Orillion: What’s the plan?
Ozu: Our stolen plans of the fortress show that Starman Omega is being held in one of the top floors of the fortress. We’ll grapple up to the roof (the Nomads can simply climb up like a slug would), use some explosives to blow a hole in the roof, and lower ourselves down into the building. Once that‘s done, we hack into a computer terminal to find exactly where he is, then we rescue him using our blasters to kill the guards or ninja smoke bombs if we need to run away. After that, we get back onto the roof, where the others will pick us up. Then we jam the radar and escape.
Trent: Do we have all our equipment ready?
Ozu: Let’s see. Grappling hooks, check. Blasters, check. Explosives, check. Plasma cutter, check. Ninja smoke bombs, check. Alright, MOVE OUT MEN!
Juni: And women.
Ozu: MOVE OUT PEOPLE!
Nomad 2: What about us?
Ozu: Alright, MOVE OUT…uhhh…ORGANIC LIFEFORMS!
Chapter 14: Get Rid Of Slimy nomadS
Von Claussen: Trent, the Rheinland fleet is amassing at a secret installation that we have no tactical info on and that is also surrounded by mines and radiation that actually hurts you. We have to attack that installation with our small wing of fighters to stop the Rheinland war machine. Sound good?
Trent: Certain death, basically no chance of success, hey, sounds like any story mission! What are we waiting for?
Gimli: You stole my line!
Trent: No I didn’t, I added the part about the story mission, did you hear that?
Gimli: I don’t care, apologize or you’ll regret it!
Trent: And what’ll you do to me, hit my Barracuda with an axe?
(Suddenly, a ship that looks like an Eagle decloaks in front of Trent)
Gimli: This is my new Phoenix Super Heavy Fighter, it has 8 guns, 15,000 armor, and 2 torpedoes! You’re no match for it!
Trent: But that ship doesn’t even exist!
Gimli: It does now!
CONSOLE: GIMLI IS BEING EJECTED FOR MODDING
Gimli: Argh! I’ll get you next time!
(Gimli’s ship disappears)
Von Claussen: O_o
Trent: Oh, this is nothing compared to what I have to put up with normally!
Von Claussen: How can you do all this and not go insane?
Trent: I did, in Chapter 10.
Von Claussen: Ah, I see.
(They fly into the minefield)
DANGER: RADIATION DAMAGE DETECTED
Trent: Ah, shut up.
Von Claussen: Our scanners are picking up a huge open area with a massive installation.
Trent: Well what do you think, they just put this nomad minefield here for decoration?
Von Claussen: I was just telling you.
Trent: Hey, this radiation is actually hurting me! That’s not supposed to happen; radiation is just there to annoy you with that flashing icon!
Von Claussen: I assume you’ve only encountered Type I radiation. This is Type III.
Trent: What is that?
If you didn’t know, there are four types of radiation in Freelancer. Each radioactive field is sorted into one of these types based on a pilot’s reaction when he enters the field.
Type I: “Jeez, I’ve been sitting here in a Starflier for 30 minutes, and my health still hasn’t gone down!” – Most commonly known to be in Sigma-13 and Tau-23, however it can be found in a lot of places.
Type II: “Hmm…This is hurting me a bit. Better not stay too long or I’ll have to pay a lot for repairs.”- Found in Galileo and Kepler’s dark matter clouds and around certain wrecks, among other locations.
Type III: “Wow, this radiation is powerful. Glad I brought some nanobots along.” – Can be found only in Texas, Hokkaido, Dresden, Omega-11, the upper Unknown system, and a few story missions.
Type IV (AKA Omega-41 radiation): “(Immediately turns around, gets out of there, then uses nanobots to repair the 25% hull lost in 3 seconds in a Titan) HOLY CARP THAT IS INSANE” – I think you can tell from the name where to find this.
Von Claussen: I hate to cut this lesson on radiation types short, but we’re coming in to the installation.
(The clouds clear away, and the 6 nomad battleships are there along with the biggest Rheinland fleet yet)
Trent: O_O Sweet. I want one of those experimental ships.
Von Claussen: They’re not that good for a battleship, Trent. They only have 15 turrets, when a Rheinland battleship has 21. Also they’re so big you’d never be able to get anywhere.
Trent: But just look at their amazing purple shinyness!
Von Claussen: I just thought of something. If they’re that big, how did they get them in through the mines in the first place? Or any of those other Rheinland capships?
Rheinland fleet commander (AKA Arnold Clone #5): We didn’t. We just built that minefield around the installation.
Trent: But how will you get the ships out then?
RFC: Well we, uhhh…D’oh! Oh well, prepare to die! (Fleet attacks)
DESTROY THE EXPERIMENTAL BATTLESHIPS
Trent: Arrrgh, Juni messed with my ship again!
Botzler: No, we do have to blow them all up. Luckily you just have to destroy one and then I’ll kamikaze and wipe out all of them.
Trent: Well if you’re just going to kamikaze anyways, why not do it right now?
Botzler: Good idea. FOR RHEINLAND! (Crashes into one of the battleships and nothing happens) What happened?
That won’t happen yet! MUAHAHAHAHA!!
Trent: How can you possibly be so cruel?
Because I like watching you all suffer.
Trent: But enough with the sarcasm, why do you really do that?
That wasn’t sarcasm.
Trent: >_< Fine then, if it’s the only way to get out of here… (Starts shooting one of the nomad battleships)
Bundschuh pilot: Help, the Rheinland battleships are keeping us away from the installation!
Trent: Just stay really close to the ships, then they can’t hit you!
Bundschuh pilot: No, we’re just dumb NPCs. We’d prefer to dogfight with the massive Rheinland fleet and get slaughtered in 5 seconds.
Trent: Well, your call then. Jeez, this thing takes forever to kill!
Bundschuh pilots: For Rheiahhhhhhhh!!!
Trent: Well what do you know, 5 seconds exactly. And finally the ship is about to explode!
If you think nomad battleships make bright explosions in the game, that’s nothing compared to what it’s like when you’re actually there. This is caused by an ingenious defense mechanism that causes the battleship, when it explodes, to emit an extremely intense pulse of light along with UV rays. This light is filtered out by Nomad ships though so it doesn’t affect other Nomads. The idea is to temporarily blind enemies if they manage to destroy a battleship and then wipe them out quickly before they recover. Luckily, Trent managed to look away just in time, but it reflected off some random metal object in the back of the cockpit that I’m too lazy to think of what it was.
Trent: (Starts flying in circles) AGGHHHHH! MY EYES, THEY BURN!! I’M BLIND!!
Luckily for Trent, the Rheinlanders were not in Nomad ships and they were blinded too. About 2 minutes later though, it wore off and the shooting started again.
Botzler: My wing has been destroyed!
Trent: You don’t say.
Botzler: My men will not have died in vain! Just go, before I cause the other 5 nomad battleships to explode simultaneously!
Trent: EEP! (Starts flying very fast to the exit)
Botzler: FOR RHEINLAND! (Crashes into the battleship and bounces off) Huh? What happened?
In case you didn’t notice, crashing into something in Freelancer does almost no damage.
Botzler: But what about in Chapter 3?
Good point. (Battleships start exploding)
Botzler: Yay, they’re all blowing up!
You know you’re going to blow up too, right?
Botzler: Ah nuts. (Explodes)
Now if you think one nomad battleship exploding is bad for your eyes, imagine what 5 exploding simultaneously can do. What, you’re too lazy to? Oh alright, then it caused the demand for Optical Chips to skyrocket on account of the Rheinland Military needing them for all the pilots who suffered severe retinal damage. The good thing was quite a few traders became rich as a result of selling a few loads of optical chips for $5,000 each unit. Although luckily Trent was not looking at the explosions, the light reflected off the mines and had the same effect as staring at a computer screen for 6 hours straight.
Trent: Ow, my eyes! (Looks back) OK, I’m not even going to ask how all 5 of them exploded. I’m just going to accept it and move on.
Von Claussen: BOTZLER! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-(Hits a mine) Ow!-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-(hits another mine, killing his shield) Right, I think that’s enough of that. Let’s just go through that jumphole.
HAMBURG
Trent: Phew, we’re finally out of that. Now as long as we don’t get any surprises like a battleship decloaking right in front of us-
(Battleship Odin decloaks)
Trent: How did I know that would happen?! I think I’ll go insane again if just one more ship decloaks!
(The Osiris decloaks)
Trent: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (Starts flying around dodging fire like a maniac)
Juni: Trent, it’s me, Juni. Land here quickly, we have to get out of here.
Trent: AHHHHHHHH- Oh it’s you Juni, for the first time I’m actually glad to see you!
Juni: -_- Just land.
BATTLESHIP OSIRIS
(There is a sign there saying “Welcome to the Osiris. We proudly brew Starbucks coffee”
Trent: Is nowhere safe from them?!
Juni: Nope. The Osiris is home to the largest Starbucks in space! And this must be…
Hakkera: HERR VON CLAUSSEN!
Von Claussen: O_O What did I do?
Hakkera: Nothing, I’m just practicing my shouting. The ability to shout very loudly is essential to a military officer!
Trent: What about leadership and tactics?
Hakkera: No, no, those don’t matter nearly as much! And I must be good if I’m President, Secretary, First Tiger, and trusted lieutenant!
Trent: This is The Order, right? Wouldn’t Orillion be president?
Hakkera: Oh, he’s the supreme leader and dictator-for-life. And we’ve changed our name, now we’re called G.R.O.S.S.
Trent: G.R.O.S.S.? What the heck does that stand for? And what’s wrong with The Order?
Hakkera: The Order? We ditched that name when you were escaping from Bretonia, it’s way too generic. G.R.O.S.S. is a much better name, it stands for Get Rid Of Slimy nomadS. This way, everyone knows what we do!
King: Hey, Trent! Welcome aboard the Osiris, a fine ship from the Liberty Naval Labs!
Trent: OMG it’s a conspiracy!
Juni: Nope, we just stole it from them. It’s an advanced prototype with cloaking ability.
CONSOLE: Cloaking? Where?
Juni: No, it’s just us on the Osiris.
CONSOLE: Oh, alright, carry on.
Trent: Who can steal a battleship and not get caught?
Orillion: I do. My name is Gasper Orillion, the supreme leader, dictator-for-life, and top scout of Get Rid Of Slimy nomadS. And I know I look like a clone of Morpheus, don’t bother telling me.
Trent: So you used to work for Liberty?
Orillion: I did, until my CO got taken over by the Nomads. I managed to escape and then decided to find out everything I could about them. Then I got some recruits and…
(30 minutes later)
Orillion: So that’s the story of everything that happened in the colonies since they found the Nomads. Got that?
Trent: (Snore)
Orillion: WAKE UP! You never fall asleep when the dictator-for-life is talking!
Trent: Oh, I’m just tired. How about we go to the Starbucks?
Orillion: Good idea, I haven’t had any coffee for 30 minutes now!
(At the Starbucks)
Orillion: I’ll order first. I’ll have a grande 1% whipped cream extra shot…
Trent: Aw crap, this is gonna take a while.
(5 minutes later)
Orillion: …light soymilk latte. Trent, what are you going to get?
Trent: Finally! I’ll get a-
Counter guy: One grande 1% whipped cream extra shot…
Trent: Argh, not again!
(5 minutes later, again)
CG: …light soymilk latte!
Trent: Can I PLEASE order now?
CG: Sure, go ahead.
Trent: I think I’ll have a mocha frappuccino.
CG: Frappuccino? That is so 21st century!
Trent: Fine then, I’ll just get a tall latte.
CG: O_O Nothing else?
Trent: Nope.
CG: WE HAVE A SPECIAL ORDER! It may take a few minutes; he needs to find a machine for normal coffee.
Trent: That’s Starbucks for you.
ENDE CHAPTERE FOURTEENE
(On top of the mob fortress)
Trent: Hey, there are windows, you can see down into the top floor!
Ozu: Looks like there are no guards over here. Plant the explosives here.
Von Claussen: (Sets the explosives) Fire in ze hole! (BOOM)
Now that there was a big hole in the roof, everyone attached their grappling hooks to random things on the roof and threw the ropes in. While they were lowering themselves in, they heard the Mission Impossible music playing.
Mobster 1: (In the next room over) TURN THAT STEREO DOWN, WE CAN HEAR THAT MOVIE IN HERE!
Mobster 2: (In the room next to that one) Sorry. (Music stops playing)
Ozu: Alright, now that we’re down here, we need to find a computer terminal.
Nomad 1: There’s one over there.
Trent: Good, luckily I brought these computer spikes along.
Orillion: Trent, stop, this is not Knights of the Old Republic!
Trent: (Jams a computer spike into the computer)
OVERRIDE SUCCESSFUL
ACCESS GRANTED
Trent: Apparently it is.
Orillion: Move over, I’ll do the hacking. OK, view maps, 11th floor, hey, here he is! He’s on the next floor down in Cell Block 3C. Now, check security cameras, cell block 3C, look everyone! This is where he’s being held. According to this (clicks a few times), the guards will be changed in 15 minutes. Then we’ll go rescue him. Remember, we’re not Han Solo; we can’t just blast through everything.
Ozu: Actually, I have been trained by him in the great art of shooting a lot of people without getting hit yourself.
Orillion: Well, no one but Ozu is Han Solo. We still have to try not to be seen.
Juni: Look, this says “Overload Terminal”. Maybe we should do that to destroy any evidence that we were hacking the computer.
Orillion: Good idea.
Trent: No don’t! It’ll-
(BOOM)
Trent: …explode.
Nomad 2: (extra-crispy) Ouchies.
Also, it's the one-year anniversary of A Freelancer Parody! When I started this, I had no idea it would get this popular. Thanks to all the readers for reviewing and yelling at me to get the chapters done
.
Want to get the chapters of A Freelancer Parody before anyone else? Click here for more info.
Edited by - Starman Omega on 2/26/2006 12:46:32 AM
MOB FORTRESS, KIEV, UKRAINE
JANUARY 31, 2006 (Just so you know, this is supposed to happen immediately after the events in the last chapter’s mob scene)
MISSION OBJECTIVES:
PRIMARY OBJECTIVE: RESCUE STARMAN OMEGA FROM THE CLUTCHES OF THE MOB
SECONDARY OBJECTIVE: CAPTURE OR TERMINATE THE MOB LEADERS TO CRIPPLE THE MOB’S OPERATIONS
TERTIARY OBJECTIVE: STEAL THE MOB’S BRAIN CELL GROWING EQUIPMENT TO ENSURE ENOUGH FOOD FOR THE NOMADS
Nomad 1: I’d much prefer some chocolate to more brains.
Everyone: NO!
QUATERNARY OBJECTIVE: DISABLE OR DESTROY THE MOB’S TRACKING DEVICE
QUINT-
Trent: Enough with the objectives!
FINE THEN, BE THAT WAY
Orillion: What’s the plan?
Ozu: Our stolen plans of the fortress show that Starman Omega is being held in one of the top floors of the fortress. We’ll grapple up to the roof (the Nomads can simply climb up like a slug would), use some explosives to blow a hole in the roof, and lower ourselves down into the building. Once that‘s done, we hack into a computer terminal to find exactly where he is, then we rescue him using our blasters to kill the guards or ninja smoke bombs if we need to run away. After that, we get back onto the roof, where the others will pick us up. Then we jam the radar and escape.
Trent: Do we have all our equipment ready?
Ozu: Let’s see. Grappling hooks, check. Blasters, check. Explosives, check. Plasma cutter, check. Ninja smoke bombs, check. Alright, MOVE OUT MEN!
Juni: And women.
Ozu: MOVE OUT PEOPLE!
Nomad 2: What about us?
Ozu: Alright, MOVE OUT…uhhh…ORGANIC LIFEFORMS!
Chapter 14: Get Rid Of Slimy nomadS
Von Claussen: Trent, the Rheinland fleet is amassing at a secret installation that we have no tactical info on and that is also surrounded by mines and radiation that actually hurts you. We have to attack that installation with our small wing of fighters to stop the Rheinland war machine. Sound good?
Trent: Certain death, basically no chance of success, hey, sounds like any story mission! What are we waiting for?
Gimli: You stole my line!
Trent: No I didn’t, I added the part about the story mission, did you hear that?
Gimli: I don’t care, apologize or you’ll regret it!
Trent: And what’ll you do to me, hit my Barracuda with an axe?
(Suddenly, a ship that looks like an Eagle decloaks in front of Trent)
Gimli: This is my new Phoenix Super Heavy Fighter, it has 8 guns, 15,000 armor, and 2 torpedoes! You’re no match for it!
Trent: But that ship doesn’t even exist!
Gimli: It does now!
CONSOLE: GIMLI IS BEING EJECTED FOR MODDING
Gimli: Argh! I’ll get you next time!
(Gimli’s ship disappears)
Von Claussen: O_o
Trent: Oh, this is nothing compared to what I have to put up with normally!
Von Claussen: How can you do all this and not go insane?
Trent: I did, in Chapter 10.
Von Claussen: Ah, I see.
(They fly into the minefield)
DANGER: RADIATION DAMAGE DETECTED
Trent: Ah, shut up.
Von Claussen: Our scanners are picking up a huge open area with a massive installation.
Trent: Well what do you think, they just put this nomad minefield here for decoration?
Von Claussen: I was just telling you.
Trent: Hey, this radiation is actually hurting me! That’s not supposed to happen; radiation is just there to annoy you with that flashing icon!
Von Claussen: I assume you’ve only encountered Type I radiation. This is Type III.
Trent: What is that?
If you didn’t know, there are four types of radiation in Freelancer. Each radioactive field is sorted into one of these types based on a pilot’s reaction when he enters the field.
Type I: “Jeez, I’ve been sitting here in a Starflier for 30 minutes, and my health still hasn’t gone down!” – Most commonly known to be in Sigma-13 and Tau-23, however it can be found in a lot of places.
Type II: “Hmm…This is hurting me a bit. Better not stay too long or I’ll have to pay a lot for repairs.”- Found in Galileo and Kepler’s dark matter clouds and around certain wrecks, among other locations.
Type III: “Wow, this radiation is powerful. Glad I brought some nanobots along.” – Can be found only in Texas, Hokkaido, Dresden, Omega-11, the upper Unknown system, and a few story missions.
Type IV (AKA Omega-41 radiation): “(Immediately turns around, gets out of there, then uses nanobots to repair the 25% hull lost in 3 seconds in a Titan) HOLY CARP THAT IS INSANE” – I think you can tell from the name where to find this.
Von Claussen: I hate to cut this lesson on radiation types short, but we’re coming in to the installation.
(The clouds clear away, and the 6 nomad battleships are there along with the biggest Rheinland fleet yet)
Trent: O_O Sweet. I want one of those experimental ships.
Von Claussen: They’re not that good for a battleship, Trent. They only have 15 turrets, when a Rheinland battleship has 21. Also they’re so big you’d never be able to get anywhere.
Trent: But just look at their amazing purple shinyness!
Von Claussen: I just thought of something. If they’re that big, how did they get them in through the mines in the first place? Or any of those other Rheinland capships?
Rheinland fleet commander (AKA Arnold Clone #5): We didn’t. We just built that minefield around the installation.
Trent: But how will you get the ships out then?
RFC: Well we, uhhh…D’oh! Oh well, prepare to die! (Fleet attacks)
DESTROY THE EXPERIMENTAL BATTLESHIPS
Trent: Arrrgh, Juni messed with my ship again!
Botzler: No, we do have to blow them all up. Luckily you just have to destroy one and then I’ll kamikaze and wipe out all of them.
Trent: Well if you’re just going to kamikaze anyways, why not do it right now?
Botzler: Good idea. FOR RHEINLAND! (Crashes into one of the battleships and nothing happens) What happened?
That won’t happen yet! MUAHAHAHAHA!!
Trent: How can you possibly be so cruel?
Because I like watching you all suffer.
Trent: But enough with the sarcasm, why do you really do that?
That wasn’t sarcasm.
Trent: >_< Fine then, if it’s the only way to get out of here… (Starts shooting one of the nomad battleships)
Bundschuh pilot: Help, the Rheinland battleships are keeping us away from the installation!
Trent: Just stay really close to the ships, then they can’t hit you!
Bundschuh pilot: No, we’re just dumb NPCs. We’d prefer to dogfight with the massive Rheinland fleet and get slaughtered in 5 seconds.
Trent: Well, your call then. Jeez, this thing takes forever to kill!
Bundschuh pilots: For Rheiahhhhhhhh!!!
Trent: Well what do you know, 5 seconds exactly. And finally the ship is about to explode!
If you think nomad battleships make bright explosions in the game, that’s nothing compared to what it’s like when you’re actually there. This is caused by an ingenious defense mechanism that causes the battleship, when it explodes, to emit an extremely intense pulse of light along with UV rays. This light is filtered out by Nomad ships though so it doesn’t affect other Nomads. The idea is to temporarily blind enemies if they manage to destroy a battleship and then wipe them out quickly before they recover. Luckily, Trent managed to look away just in time, but it reflected off some random metal object in the back of the cockpit that I’m too lazy to think of what it was.
Trent: (Starts flying in circles) AGGHHHHH! MY EYES, THEY BURN!! I’M BLIND!!
Luckily for Trent, the Rheinlanders were not in Nomad ships and they were blinded too. About 2 minutes later though, it wore off and the shooting started again.
Botzler: My wing has been destroyed!
Trent: You don’t say.
Botzler: My men will not have died in vain! Just go, before I cause the other 5 nomad battleships to explode simultaneously!
Trent: EEP! (Starts flying very fast to the exit)
Botzler: FOR RHEINLAND! (Crashes into the battleship and bounces off) Huh? What happened?
In case you didn’t notice, crashing into something in Freelancer does almost no damage.
Botzler: But what about in Chapter 3?
Good point. (Battleships start exploding)
Botzler: Yay, they’re all blowing up!
You know you’re going to blow up too, right?
Botzler: Ah nuts. (Explodes)
Now if you think one nomad battleship exploding is bad for your eyes, imagine what 5 exploding simultaneously can do. What, you’re too lazy to? Oh alright, then it caused the demand for Optical Chips to skyrocket on account of the Rheinland Military needing them for all the pilots who suffered severe retinal damage. The good thing was quite a few traders became rich as a result of selling a few loads of optical chips for $5,000 each unit. Although luckily Trent was not looking at the explosions, the light reflected off the mines and had the same effect as staring at a computer screen for 6 hours straight.
Trent: Ow, my eyes! (Looks back) OK, I’m not even going to ask how all 5 of them exploded. I’m just going to accept it and move on.
Von Claussen: BOTZLER! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-(Hits a mine) Ow!-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-(hits another mine, killing his shield) Right, I think that’s enough of that. Let’s just go through that jumphole.
HAMBURG
Trent: Phew, we’re finally out of that. Now as long as we don’t get any surprises like a battleship decloaking right in front of us-
(Battleship Odin decloaks)
Trent: How did I know that would happen?! I think I’ll go insane again if just one more ship decloaks!
(The Osiris decloaks)
Trent: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (Starts flying around dodging fire like a maniac)
Juni: Trent, it’s me, Juni. Land here quickly, we have to get out of here.
Trent: AHHHHHHHH- Oh it’s you Juni, for the first time I’m actually glad to see you!
Juni: -_- Just land.
BATTLESHIP OSIRIS
(There is a sign there saying “Welcome to the Osiris. We proudly brew Starbucks coffee”
Trent: Is nowhere safe from them?!
Juni: Nope. The Osiris is home to the largest Starbucks in space! And this must be…
Hakkera: HERR VON CLAUSSEN!
Von Claussen: O_O What did I do?
Hakkera: Nothing, I’m just practicing my shouting. The ability to shout very loudly is essential to a military officer!
Trent: What about leadership and tactics?
Hakkera: No, no, those don’t matter nearly as much! And I must be good if I’m President, Secretary, First Tiger, and trusted lieutenant!
Trent: This is The Order, right? Wouldn’t Orillion be president?
Hakkera: Oh, he’s the supreme leader and dictator-for-life. And we’ve changed our name, now we’re called G.R.O.S.S.
Trent: G.R.O.S.S.? What the heck does that stand for? And what’s wrong with The Order?
Hakkera: The Order? We ditched that name when you were escaping from Bretonia, it’s way too generic. G.R.O.S.S. is a much better name, it stands for Get Rid Of Slimy nomadS. This way, everyone knows what we do!
King: Hey, Trent! Welcome aboard the Osiris, a fine ship from the Liberty Naval Labs!
Trent: OMG it’s a conspiracy!
Juni: Nope, we just stole it from them. It’s an advanced prototype with cloaking ability.
CONSOLE: Cloaking? Where?
Juni: No, it’s just us on the Osiris.
CONSOLE: Oh, alright, carry on.
Trent: Who can steal a battleship and not get caught?
Orillion: I do. My name is Gasper Orillion, the supreme leader, dictator-for-life, and top scout of Get Rid Of Slimy nomadS. And I know I look like a clone of Morpheus, don’t bother telling me.
Trent: So you used to work for Liberty?
Orillion: I did, until my CO got taken over by the Nomads. I managed to escape and then decided to find out everything I could about them. Then I got some recruits and…
(30 minutes later)
Orillion: So that’s the story of everything that happened in the colonies since they found the Nomads. Got that?
Trent: (Snore)
Orillion: WAKE UP! You never fall asleep when the dictator-for-life is talking!
Trent: Oh, I’m just tired. How about we go to the Starbucks?
Orillion: Good idea, I haven’t had any coffee for 30 minutes now!
(At the Starbucks)
Orillion: I’ll order first. I’ll have a grande 1% whipped cream extra shot…
Trent: Aw crap, this is gonna take a while.
(5 minutes later)
Orillion: …light soymilk latte. Trent, what are you going to get?
Trent: Finally! I’ll get a-
Counter guy: One grande 1% whipped cream extra shot…
Trent: Argh, not again!
(5 minutes later, again)
CG: …light soymilk latte!
Trent: Can I PLEASE order now?
CG: Sure, go ahead.
Trent: I think I’ll have a mocha frappuccino.
CG: Frappuccino? That is so 21st century!
Trent: Fine then, I’ll just get a tall latte.
CG: O_O Nothing else?
Trent: Nope.
CG: WE HAVE A SPECIAL ORDER! It may take a few minutes; he needs to find a machine for normal coffee.
Trent: That’s Starbucks for you.
ENDE CHAPTERE FOURTEENE
(On top of the mob fortress)
Trent: Hey, there are windows, you can see down into the top floor!
Ozu: Looks like there are no guards over here. Plant the explosives here.
Von Claussen: (Sets the explosives) Fire in ze hole! (BOOM)
Now that there was a big hole in the roof, everyone attached their grappling hooks to random things on the roof and threw the ropes in. While they were lowering themselves in, they heard the Mission Impossible music playing.
Mobster 1: (In the next room over) TURN THAT STEREO DOWN, WE CAN HEAR THAT MOVIE IN HERE!
Mobster 2: (In the room next to that one) Sorry. (Music stops playing)
Ozu: Alright, now that we’re down here, we need to find a computer terminal.
Nomad 1: There’s one over there.
Trent: Good, luckily I brought these computer spikes along.
Orillion: Trent, stop, this is not Knights of the Old Republic!
Trent: (Jams a computer spike into the computer)
OVERRIDE SUCCESSFUL
ACCESS GRANTED
Trent: Apparently it is.
Orillion: Move over, I’ll do the hacking. OK, view maps, 11th floor, hey, here he is! He’s on the next floor down in Cell Block 3C. Now, check security cameras, cell block 3C, look everyone! This is where he’s being held. According to this (clicks a few times), the guards will be changed in 15 minutes. Then we’ll go rescue him. Remember, we’re not Han Solo; we can’t just blast through everything.
Ozu: Actually, I have been trained by him in the great art of shooting a lot of people without getting hit yourself.
Orillion: Well, no one but Ozu is Han Solo. We still have to try not to be seen.
Juni: Look, this says “Overload Terminal”. Maybe we should do that to destroy any evidence that we were hacking the computer.
Orillion: Good idea.
Trent: No don’t! It’ll-
(BOOM)
Trent: …explode.
Nomad 2: (extra-crispy) Ouchies.
Also, it's the one-year anniversary of A Freelancer Parody! When I started this, I had no idea it would get this popular. Thanks to all the readers for reviewing and yelling at me to get the chapters done
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Want to get the chapters of A Freelancer Parody before anyone else? Click here for more info.
Edited by - Starman Omega on 2/26/2006 12:46:32 AM
