Sun Jul 09, 2006 7:36 am by Starman Omega
Here it is, the final chapter! It's also the longest (17 pages, without any long mob scenes like last time), and in my view, the best. So what are you waiting for, go and read it! Stop reading this, it won't tell you anything. You're just wasting time. Seriously, stop. I beg you. FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP NOW AND READ THE CHAPTER!! OK, you still want to read this. Well, you can't! The paragraph hs ended!
(In my house)
Trent: Uh, what are you doing with that big stack of books?
(Throws the books onto a big fire)
Trent: Why in the name of the Console are you burning all those books?
YES! Now that my exams are over, I never have to remember any of these again, especially that accursed play!
Trent: And what would that be?
That demonic Romeo & Juliet, of course! (Throws all the books onto the fire) Let’s see you shake the yoke of inauspicious stars from that world-wearied flesh! BUWAHAHAHA!!
Juni: (Walks in) Why do I smell paper burning?
Trent: Oh, he’s just burning all his schoolbooks to celebrate finishing the exams and the fact that he doesn’t have to remember any lines from Romeo & Juliet again.
Juni: What, like “Wherefore art thou, Romeo?”
Yes, that!
Juni: Or, “I am fortune’s fool”?
Stop quoting it!
Juni: Or what about-
(Pulls out a radio) I think I might just give Tekagi a call.
Juni: Eep! I’ll be good!
Thank you.
Trent: Anyway, what about the mob? Won’t this be the first place they come to find you?
I don’t think they’ll come back here again. Before we left, I used my Author Powers to plant a list of the addresses of all the other authors into their main computer. I’m sure they’ll probably find someone else easier to capture.
Trent: I hope that works. I wonder where they are now?
(Somewhere else)
Steel Fang: What’s that outside? (Opens window)
Mob: WE WANT RAGNAROK! WE WANT RAGNAROK!
Steel Fang: Not good.
Chapter 17: All edges that here (Translated by Babelfish™ )
PLANET TOLEDO
Sinclair: (Typing)
Computer: Beep…beep…beep… (laser noises)…Shield failed…Hull breach imminent…BOOM!!
Orillion: Turn that game off, this is serious!
Sinclair: Sorry. It’s just that this stupid battle is impossible!
Orillion: So what have you found out about the artifact?
Sinclair: Well, it seems that the Dom K’vosh had a huge empire before humans even existed.
Trent: So where are they now?
Quintaine: About 65 million years ago, they were all wiped out by a giant meteor that disrupted their food supply.
Jacobi: That would be the dinosaurs.
Quintaine: Oh yeah. I meant to say that they just vanished from this whole area, leaving the Nomads behind. Nomads were created by the Dom K’vosh to look after their empire.
Sinclair: Also, they were made to consume large amounts of sugar, since sugar was a waste product produced by some of their more advanced technologies.
Quintaine: The Dom K’vosh used artifacts like this one for things like energy or shields. And we’ll show you what this one does.
Sinclair: We found out if we got the computer to repeat the phonetic representations of the glyphs in an anti-meson hyperbole pattern then…
Jacobi: In English, please.
Sinclair: If the computer read out what is said on the artifact in a certain order then it would activate.
Jacobi: Thank you. Turn it on now.
Orillion: (Hits the button)
Artifact: (Starts shooting beams out at the manuscripts)
Computer: Activating artifact…25%...30%...WARNING! MALFUNCION! BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER MUSHROOM MUSHROOM AHHHH! SNAKE! ACTIVATING DEFENSE SYSTEM!
Suddenly, the artifact started shooting beams at everyone, causing them to dive under the table. Unfortunately, Quintaine wasn’t fast enough and got hit.
Quintaine: Ow! (Falls over)
Computer: ENEMY SNAKE TERMINATED. POWERING DOWN.
Sinclair: QUINTIE-POO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Quintaine: I’m alright! That just stung a bit.
Sinclair: Thank God you’re alright! Don’t ever scare me like that again! (Starts hugging him)
Quintaine: Can’t…breathe…
Sinclair: Sorry. (Lets go)
Juni: Are you going to fix that thing or what?
As if on cue, black smoke started pouring out of the artifact.
Quintaine: SHE’S GONNA BLOW! (Dives under the table again)
(BOOM)
Quintaine: Oh well. We know it’s just a big map of their empire anyway.
Orillion: Then why did you say that artifact was so important?!
Quintaine: Because the Dom K’vosh used a system of hypergates that linked their empire together. This artifact can reactivate them and allow us to defeat the Nomads. All you have to do is fly right into the Nomads’ home world and activate the hypergate there.
Trent: Please tell me that was a joke. What do we really have to do?
Quintaine: I said fly right into the Nomads’ home world and activate the hypergate there.
Trent: Not another suicide mission! Well, maybe if we can plan it out here, think up a way to get in undetected then-(BOOM)
Random G.R.O.S.S. Guy: There’s a whole fleet of Nomads attacking us!
Trent: D’OH!
Orillion: Get to your ships. Now how do we turn this tinkertoy into a weapon?
Trent: Well, you just have to get one of those long, stick-like pieces, connect it to one of the round yellow ones, and you have a club! Although I’d suggest using Legos, since they won’t come apart so easily and can have very sharp edges.
Orillion: That was a figure of speech.
IN SPACE
As you remember, Trent launched and there was a massive horde of Nomads in space. Just remember that throughout this conversation, Trent and the others are all dogfighting with them and taking on that battleship (which doesn’t blind them when it explodes, because they installed light filters in the ships). Got it? Good.
Orillion: The base is taking heavy damage from the Nomad attack group. We don’t know where they’re coming from. Orillion out. (BOOM) What the-
Ship computer: Warning! Communications relay device destroyed! Activating emergency communications device, with translation by Babelfish™. (If you were wondering, these are all actual Babelfish translations, gotten by translating English to Japanese and back again)
Juni: God of Ohio state, for the second time... (If you’re totally confused, it was supposed to be: Oh God, not again… )
Trent: Ohio? That’s bad even for Babelfish! (The translation is: “Ohio state? That for Babelfish is bad state!” )
Juni: Something it confronts Ohio state in Babelfish? (Supposed to be: “What does Babelfish have against Ohio?” )
King: Orillion, can you do something about this? It’s like the Tower of Babel out here!
Orillion: Hence the name, Babelfish. But yes, I planned for this and installed much better backup communications devices in the ships. Just turn the dial that says “CRM-114 Comms” all the way to the right to activate them.
Trent: Okey dokey. (Turns the dial)
Juni: (Turns the dial) Wow, I could actually make some sense out of that Babelfish translation!
Orillion: Oh, and your tinkertoy weapon is ready, so come back to Toledo.
Juni: But another Nomad battleship just uncloaked!
Trent: Wouldn’t that be de cloaked?
Juni: I suppose it would. It’s just that everyone’s always said “uncloaked”.
King: Someone at DA must’ve failed English. But anyway, we should land now.
(The base is getting hit by a bunch of orbital laser strikes)
Trent: Eep! I’m not landing there; I’ll get blown to dust!
Juni: Don’t worry, this is a cutscene. The base won’t get blown up until immediately after we leave.
Trent: Oh yeah, forgot about that. I really need to look at that video game clichés list again. (Lands)
Quintaine: We’ve made modifications to the artifact. All you have to do now is activate it in the Nomad homeworld.
Orillion: The evacuation’s completed. Everyone to their ships now. Trent and Juni, help escort Sinclair and Quintaine to the Osiris on the far side of the system.
Juni: Yes sir! (Heads back to her ship and takes off along with everyone else) Now they’ll probably destroy the base since we just left.
Random G.R.O.S.S. Pilot: I’ll stop them! (Flies straight at the front of the Nomad battleship shooting the laser beams) Hello boys, I’m baaaaac-(Gets vaporized by a laser beam, which still manages to hit the base and destroy it)
Juni: See, what did I tell you?
IN SPACE, AGAIN
Juni: We need to protect the transport at all costs.
Trent: I’m not deaf and I do not have the memory span of a goldfish. I know what we’re supposed to do. (Gets into formation with the transport)
Juni: We lost Alpha 2!
Sinclair: All we have to do is get around these two battleships and we’re home free. (Ship drops out of cruise right next to them) *&#@%$ autopilot!
Trent: I’ll draw fire! (Flies up to the battleships and shoots a few shots at them, causing them both to shoot at him and do a ton of damage) Ahhhhh! (Flies away) On second thought, drawing their fire might have been a bad idea.
(Near the Osiris)
Orillion: We’ve reached the rallying point. Everyone, fall back to here.
Juni: Go ahead and land, Trent. I’ll meet up with you on the deck. (Trent lands)
BATTLESHIP OSIRIS
Trent: What is making that incredibly annoying noise?
Juni: That’s just the “get to the ships” alarm. And come on, the briefing’s already started.
Orillion: Ah, Trent. We’ve just been discussing the attack plans. We’ve detected a Nomad jumpgate nearby that will take us directly to the Nomad homeworld. We’ll fly there through the badlands.
Trent: And how exactly can we get there by flying back to New York?
Orillion: Not those badlands.
Trent: Oh, right. Say, where are Hakkera and von Claussen?
Orillion: Von Claussen’s in the bathroom, and…actually I don’t know where Hakkera is. He’s fired. Trent, Jun’ko, you’re now promoted to Third and Fourth Tigers.
Trent: Yay!
Orillion: Anyway, we’ll split into four attack groups. Third Tiger Trent will lead Alpha, I’ll lead Beta, Fourth Tiger Zane will lead Gamma, and the new First Tiger Von Claussen will lead Omicron.
Liberty Guy: What about me? As the new Second Tiger, I should get to lead something!
Orillion: Alright, then you lead Beta. But I’m still the leader of the attack fleet.
Liberty Guy: Fair enough.
(Near the nomad jumpgate)
Orillion: Keep your eyes open, the Nomads are bound to know we’re coming.
Random Nomad (who happens to be one of those that go insane when they see anything made by humans): HUMANS! DESTOY! DESTROY! BWHAHAHAHAHA!!
Nomad Fleet leader: -_- There goes our surprise attack. (Nomad fleet decloaks)
Juni: Look out, a Nomad battleship!
Trent: Thank you Juni, now we know you can see!
Orillion: Don’t worry; we have the best combat pilots anywhere in Sirius!
Of course, this was disproved in a matter of seconds when, as you’d know if you were watching the ships when the fight starts in that mission, they all managed to missile each other. 3 ships were destroyed and many more were damaged.
King: Say that again.
Orillion: -_- I thought they’d have learned something from “Missile Using 101” but I guess not. Just destroy them, there’s twice as many of us as them.
Trent: Finally, an easy fight! (Looks for something to attack) What, the whole Nomad fleet got killed already?
Orillion: Trent, you take point through the gate.
Trent: No. This is one time when I absolutely will not go in first, even if you’re the dictator-for-life. And no amount of threats from Tekagi or even the author will change my mind. Besides, isn’t it a better idea to send some random pilot in first instead of your Third Tiger?
Orillion: Calm down, it was just a joke. How about you pick someone to go in first?
Trent: (Gets an evil look) I’ve got just the person.
(About a minute later, in the Nomad home world)
Juni: I still can’t believe you made me do that, Trent. I thought that with all we’ve been through together, you’d have-
Trent: What, cared about your life?
Juni: No, established the idea of you always going in first!
Orillion: Everyone, head to the barrier. We have to find a way to get through it.
Trent: What barrier?
King: The big one about 15K from us that seems to go on forever. Don’t tell me you were so busy arguing with Juni you didn’t even notice that!
Trent: (Looks around) Oh, that barrier! Of course I noticed it!
Juni: Whatever. I found an entrance, but there’s a shield around it. We have to take out those 4 generators first!
Orillion: Trent, your wing will take them out. Everyone else, engage the fighters!
Trent: DIE SQUIDDIES! (Shoots a torpedo at the generator, which is then dual-Cannonballed by one of the G.R.O.S.S. pilots) Hey, don’t use your missiles!
G.R.O.S.S. Pilot: Why, to save ammo?
Trent: No, because it makes me look so weak! (Attacks, and eventually blows up two more generators)
Von Claussen: Trent’s wing has destroyed the third generator! Only one more.
Trent: Wow, you can count!
Von Claussen: Oh, shut up.
Juni: We lost Alpha 2!
Trent: Again? I thought he got killed earlier!
Juni: No, I just like saying that.
Trent: … (Blows up the last generator)
Juni: Quickly, fly in!
Meanwhile, in New York…
The battle was going badly for the Liberty Navy. They had been routed by the massive Rheinland fleet led by 30 battleships and were retreating when suddenly a fleet of alien ships appeared and started attacking everyone. The fight immediately changed to the Liberty and Rheinland forces battling with these aliens. However so many ships had been destroyed in the previous battle that the aliens were winning easily.
Liberty battleship captain: What’s the status of the fleet?
Liberty officer: We can’t hold out! They’ve already taken out 3 of our battleships and 5 of our cruisers! The Rheinland fleet isn’t doing much better either!
LBC: Keep fighting; hold out until we can get reinforcements!
LO: Holy Console, what is that?
An enormous alien ship had suddenly decloaked. It was at least 20 K long and although they didn’t know it, it was a Nomad Uber-Battleship getting ready to destroy the entire system with the two fleets in it.
Nomad captain: Prepare to die, fools! And we don’t have any idiots on board like last time! (Uber-BS starts charging up its Ray of Kerblazification)
LBC: This does not look good, that thing looks like it could take out the sun!
Then, the Nomad Uber-Battleship fired its Ray of Kerblazification. However, luckily for everyone except the people on one particular Rheinland battleship, that ship happened to fly directly in front of the huge energy blast. What happened next to the ship was too horrible to imagine. It was much worse than just being annihilated in an antimatter explosion or even having your atomic structure ripped apart by a black hole. The battleship was kerblazified.
LBC: OMG, they took it out in one shot!
Nomad captain: That’s nothing; soon your entire system will be destroyed with your fleets!
LBC: And you as well?
Nomad captain: No, we can escape with our warp drive. But you’ll get blown up. (Ray of Kerblazification starts charging up again) Catch you later humans!
But the ship never got the chance to fire again, because suddenly it and all the other aliens seemed to start being pulled to the side by some strange force. It tried to resist for a few seconds, but then it went flying off into the distance with the rest of the fleet.
Nomad captain: A plague on both your houses! (Ship disappears)
Me: (Twitches involuntarily)
Now, back to the Dyson Sphere…
King: Whoa, what is this?
Orillion: It looks like the old idea of a Dyson Sphere. The Nomads can use it to collect all the energy coming from that sun.
King: Whatever it is, it’s huge!
Juni: Thank you, C-3PO.
Trent: The artifact will probably work here. I don’t want to fly too close to that big city, it looks like there’s a lot of weapon platforms around it. (Hits a button)
Artifact: Error. Out of range. Move within 5K of unshielded hypergate generator.
Trent: Awww, do I have to?
Artifact: Yes.
Trent: Please activate here?
Artifact: No!
Trent: Please?
Artifact: NO! Stop asking!
King: Just fly up to that city, there’s no other way.
Trent: Fine.
Juni: Wait, when that thing said “unshielded”, does that mean that they normally do have shields?
Trent: Of course it does! You know Nomads always put shields around everything except their ships! (Sees the big shield) See, what did I tell you? Now, to blow up these generators… (Starts shooting one) This seems to be able to take quite a lot of damage. (Keeps shooting it) Come on, blow up!
(10 minutes later)
Trent: Finally, the thing died! I don’t think we can hold out half an hour to take out the rest though. We need to find some trick to this.
Juni: Maybe try having more than one weaker gun activated?
Trent: >_< That might’ve helped if you told me sooner! (Kills the next one in about 2 minutes) Now, on to the next one.
Juni: Trent?
Trent: DIE FOOLS! (Starts shooting another one)
Juni: Um, Trent?
Trent: No time to talk, I’ve got a galaxy to save!
Juni: I know, but…
Trent: Just leave me to my work and give me some backup over here!
Juni: The shield’s down, Trent.
Trent: Oh, so it is. Whoops. (Hits a button)
Artifact: Initializing hypergate…20%.
Orillion: I’m picking up an energy surge from your ship! Jettison the artifact before it blows!
Trent: No, I’m already committed; we only have one shot at this!
Trent then flew forward straight at the city, his ship glowing with purple light. The light constantly got brighter, until his ship immediately exploded. He was lucky to eject before this happened, but all hope of defeating the Nomads was lost.
King: So much for humanity…
Trent: (Gets an idea) Juni, how did your Defender magically change into an Anubis? And where is everyone else?
This, of course, created a huge plot hole. However, it wasn't big enough to suck in the Nomads.
Trent: It's not working! We have to think of something else!
Juni: I got it! The artifact blew up, but now it's in your ship! What's up with that?
That did it. The plot hole doubled in size and started to suck in all the Nomads.
Juni: Great job everyone! (Beams the escape pod up, but then her ship starts sliding towards the hole) You idiot, it’s sucking us in too!
SYSTEM ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HYPERGATE/PLOTHOLE
Juni: Another fine fix you’ve gotten us into!
(The 3 ships (Juni, King, and Orillion) are surrounded by hundreds of deactivated Nomad fighters)
Orillion: Looks like they’re hibernating or something. If we can just get to that jumphole without touching any of them, we’ll be fine.
The three pilots started flying very slowly to the jumphole, being careful not to hit anything. Unfortunately, a drifting asteroid bounced off King’s ship (who was unable to avoid it without getting too close to a Nomad), and started heading towards one of the Nomad ships.
King: O_O Not good, not good, not good…
(Asteroid hits the nomad, which stays there without moving)
Trent: YES!
Of course, Trent said that just a little too loud and all the Nomads woke up and turned to face them.
Trent: We’re screwed.
PLANET MANHATTAN
Trent: That was lucky. If those Dom K’vosh hadn’t showed up and called them off, we’d all be dead!
Juni: Thanks to you as well.
Trent: But I still saved 20 billion people, so almost getting 4 people killed doesn’t matter much compared to that.
Orillion: Hey, Trent, I have a proposition for you. And if you make that joke that you don’t swing that way you will be terminated.
Trent: By the way, is there any sort of cash reward for doing all this?
Orillion: Afraid not. The government and G.R.O.S.S are a bit strapped for cash trying to rebuild everything that was destroyed. At least you got that “Lone Star” medal.
Trent: Oh yeah, that. (Gets another idea) Wait here one minute.
(At the pawn shop)
Trent: How much for this authentic “Lone Star” medal?
Shop owner: $100.
Trent: $100? This is an authentic “Lone Star” medal! It even has the shiny “Seal of Authenticity” hologram!
Shop owner: I know that, but what does it do?
Trent: Well…it…ummm…It’s a good paperweight!
Shop owner: Well, since it does make a good collector’s item, I’ll give you $500.
Trent: Deal!
THE END…OR IS IT? (Dun dun duuuunnnnnnn) NAH, IT’S THE END, UNLESS FL2 IS MADE OR OPENLANCER HAPPENS TO HAVE A STORY MODE, EXCEPT IT WOULDN’T HAVE TRENT OR ANYONE ELSE SINCE MS NINJAS WOULD BREAK THROUGH ALL THE DEVELOPERS’ WINDOWS IF IT DID. OH YEAH, AND THERE IS ONE LAST SCENE:
Finally, after 16 months, the story is done! And even better, the mob is off attacking other authors!
Trent: So we can go back to Sirius now?
Say, how did you get here in the first place?
Tobias: Well we, uh…How did we get here? It seemed like I just got sucked into some kind of black hole and ended up on Earth with all of you.
Sinclair: Plot hole. Remember that completely awful “Freelancer 2” fic? It screwed with the plot so much that it managed to tear a hole in the space-time continuum and suck us in before the PPC managed to fix it up.
Orillion: Ugh, don’t remind me of that so-called “fic”. I had headaches for weeks after trying to read it.
Trent: Same here.
(Suddenly, a noise that sounds like a large angry mob outside is heard)
I thought they were going after Steel Fang! Oh well, even if my Author Powers are gone since the story is finished, I got my Protoss Carriers back. (Opens the window) No, you can’t have any more chapters! The story is finished! Now don’t make me use my fleet of Carriers!
Leader of mob: We’re not that mob that was attacking you. We are the Gaian Alliance! Did you realize that while writing that fic of yours, your computer used electricity which was generated by an oil power plant, causing pollution to the planet’s precious atmosphere?
So, everyone does that! Why did you come after me?
Gaian leader: That and, YOU DIDN’T PUT US IN THE STORY! We must punish you! Send in the Treehugger -class battleships!
Fools, my Protoss Carriers will crush your fleet! Attack, my Carriers!
Gaian leader: Yes, while your fleet would easily defeat our normal Treehugger -class battleships, let’s see how they perform against…TREEHUGGER -CLASS BATTLESHIPS WITH YAMATO CANNONS!
Here we go again…
Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. And you don't want to get any on you. - Dilbert and Wally
Edited by - Starman Omega on 7/10/2006 2:42:33 PM
)