good good good
i am nobody nobody is perfect so i am perfect
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A Freelancer Parody *COMPLETED 7/9/06!*
Read, add and comment on excellent written stories by fans, set within the Freelancer universe
Tue Dec 27, 2005 5:17 pm
Do you think you can write some mayhem where Juni unscrews one of Trent's headlights on his fighter? Or, even better, she sneaks into the cockpit and makes a few adjustments that shows up in strange ways during the next battle. (snicker)
You always find what you're looking for.
Edited by - Doc on 1/2/2006 11:59:04 AM
You always find what you're looking for.
Edited by - Doc on 1/2/2006 11:59:04 AM
Tue Dec 27, 2005 9:26 pm
Sorry everyone, I had exams to do, and I currently have my laptop over at my grandparents' house, where the only internet is a crappy 28.8K AOL dial-up.
Trent: And he's also too busy playing...(Lightning starts flashing again with no clouds)...nothing at all.
I will say that the next chapter is called Crouching Dragon, Hidden Nomad and will include Matrix-style death kicks, bad Mr.T impressions, and the return of the mob! (A large mob immediately starts forming) But not until next chapter! Put away those nuclear ICBMs!
Want to get the chapters of A Freelancer Parody before anyone else? Click here for more info.
Do a barrel roll!
Edited by - Starman Omega on 12/27/2005 9:27:07 PM
Trent: And he's also too busy playing...(Lightning starts flashing again with no clouds)...nothing at all.
I will say that the next chapter is called Crouching Dragon, Hidden Nomad and will include Matrix-style death kicks, bad Mr.T impressions, and the return of the mob! (A large mob immediately starts forming) But not until next chapter! Put away those nuclear ICBMs!
Want to get the chapters of A Freelancer Parody before anyone else? Click here for more info.
Do a barrel roll!
Edited by - Starman Omega on 12/27/2005 9:27:07 PM
Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:02 am
*looks at 9998 and Nederbord. Looks at Starman's fleet.Then looks at new toy, planet -killer what looks like a giant ice cream cone bought at Salvage-R-Us, and contemplates red button.Shudders at inhumanity of randomly released cans of SPAM, opened or otherwise*
Please hurry -
Please hurry -
Sat Dec 31, 2005 6:21 pm
Chapter 12: Crouching Dragon, Hidden Nomad
KYOTO BASE
Ozu: Blah blah blah Blood Dragons blah blah blah Tekagi blah blah blah Proteus Tome blah blah blah blah. So are you ready to go?
Trent: *Snore*
Ozu: -_- Wake up!
Trent: Oh yeah, is Juni coming?
Ozu: No.
Trent: WOOHOO! PARTY! PARTY!
Ozu: Let’s just get going.
(In space)
Ozu: Trent, we will go through a jumphole to the Tohoku system. I’m uploading the coordinates.
Juni: Hey, why are you leaving?
Trent: We’re going to Tekagi’s Arch without you. (Simpsons style) Ha haaa!
Juni: (Very dramatically) No! There must be another way!
Trent: You idiot, never say that! Now there won’t be another way!
Ozu: He speaks the truth. I have just found out Tekagi is leaving for Rheinland.
Juni: D’OH!
GATE: XENON SECTOR 347-I MEAN TOHOKU JUMPHOLE
Trent: Looks like SOMEONE’S been playing too much X3.
Trent: Hey, where is he?
(Trying to talk to a truck driver) Quiet! I’m trying to hire an Argon Mammoth to build a PPC factory near a military base! I will make great profitssss!
Trent: Forget I asked.
Ozu: Here’s the jumphole.
Trent: I know, I go first. (Flies in)
TOHOKU SYSTEM
Ozu: Let’s fly to a nearby Dragon base. We must be careful; there are many Rather Large Kusari Patrols™ in this system.
(Near the base)
Ryuku Base: Preparation does our fighter planes. Does the radar show the fact that it is the fleet whose Kusari is somewhat large. The base of Tekagi being soon, it has gotten together. He having gone away it seems the way.
Trent: Double-you tee eff?
Ryuku Base: It is translated regrettable, but our now by Babelfish!
Trent: Not the Babelfish again! Can’t you think of anything original?
(A terrifying, insane, evil hamster appears inside the ship)
Trent: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!
Do you apologize?
Trent: YES!
(The hamster disappears)
Ozu: What the heck was that all about?
Trent has a mortal fear of hamsters. Apparently once he was transporting a bunch of them when, in California, a pirate shot him with neutron guns. The radiation caused them to mutate into insane evil hamsters and they attacked him until he got to Manhattan. And since when do you say “What the heck was that all about”? That just sounds unnatural!
Ozu: Well what do you want me to say, “I would be honored to inquire what has taken place”?
Trent: Well, yes.
Ozu: Hamsters.
Trent: AHHHHHHHHH!! (Starts flying in circles)
Ozu: (Mr. Burns) Eexcellent. I can just see the blackmail possibilities.
Trent: Hey, what’s that coming toward us?
(A Rather Large Kusari Patrol™ is flying at them)
Ozu: Attack!
(NOTE: The following scene has been removed due to a lawsuit by Jack Thompson on the grounds that it is extremely violent and will corrupt the minds of young children. However, his house is now the target of a Mission 13-style Nomad orbital laser strike. But anyways, they keep flying towards the Arch)
Trent: Hopefully the defenses won’t be too strong, or at least they won’t cheat and use class 8 guns again!
(They come out of the cloud, where a Rather Large Kusari Fleet™ is waiting for them)
Trent: Ahhhhh it’s a Rather Large Kusari Fleet™!
Ozu: Come on, let’s take out those generators!
(Trent flies around, destroys the generators and docks with the Arch)
Trent: Great description there!
You want another insane hamster?
Trent: Of course not, sir. That was very good writing, sir.
Thank you.
TEKAGI’S ARCH
Ozu: Don’t worry; I will take out the guards with my uber ninja skills!
Ozu then opened the door and killed two of the guards with ninja stars. Then the third guard started shooting at him, so he threw a smoke bomb and appeared behind him.
Ozu: Matrix-style death kick!
Ozu ran towards the guard in slow motion, jumped up into the air and froze there. The camera spun around him once before he kicked the guard, who dropped to the floor.
Ozu: Come on, the Tome is in there!
They went in, Trent took the Tome and Ozu planted a bomb under the table. As you all know, then gas started coming in and when they woke up, Tekagi was standing there.
Tekagi: Yes, I finally get a part! Oh yeah, and why did you two come in here to kill me and take the Proteus Tome? (Changes expressions faster than Sinclair in Chapter 9) WHY?!
Trent: Eep!
Tekagi: ^_^ I love doing that. Leave us, guards.
Trent: Oh crap, rule #563 of all stories states that something bad will happen when the villain orders the guards to leave.
Tekagi: Do you really know who are dealing with?
Ozu: (Bad Mr. T impersonation) What you talking about, foo? You’re just a crazy man seein’ things that ain’t there!
Tekagi: (Bad Mr. T impersonation) You can’t imitate Mr. T, sucka! I pity the foo that does bad Mr. T impersonations!
Ozu: Hey, that was just as bad!
Tekagi: Shut up, foo! (Pulls a knife out of his sleeve and throws it at Ozu)
Ozu: (Pulls a katana out of his sleeve and deflects the knife)
Trent: Where did you get that?
Ozu: Dimensional pocket, all the great video game characters are using them nowadays.
Tekagi: Now you will die! (Starts pulling random stuff out of his sleeve) Now where did I leave my sword? (Throwing away the random stuff, including food wrappers, golf balls, a rubber ducky, a hamster (Trent: AHHH! HAMSTERS!), and a PS3 controller that flies back and almost hits him) OK, here it is. (Pulls another katana out) En garde!
Tekagi and Ozu then got into a cool Star Wars-style sword fight and that music in Star Wars Episode I when they fight Darth Maul started playing over the speakers.
Trent: (Watching and eating popcorn) Awesome! I give it 5 stars!
Ozu: (Cuts Tekagi’s arm)
Tekagi: A mere flesh wound! (Knocks Ozu’s sword out of his hand and stabs him)
Ozu: I am slain!
Trent: Aw man, he killed Ozu! That sucks.
Ozu: That was just so dramatic, Trent. Try that again.
Trent: OK, how’s this? OZU! NOOOOOOOOOO!!
Ozu: Not that dramatic!
Tekagi: *Ahem* Before you die, I want you to know one thing. I am your father’s cousin’s sister’s friend’s aunt’s grandson’s uncle’s dog’s groomer’s former roommate!
Ozu: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
(Hakkera flies in)
Hakkera: Get down! (Shoots a torpedo into the room, destroying it) Uhhhh…Whoops, wrong button.
(Magically rewinds time) Argh! How many times do I have to tell you, Hakkera? The green button shoots the guns, and the red one fires the torpedo!
Hakkera: Why am I getting a feeling of déjà vu here?
Never mind, just do it again!
Hakkera: Get down! (Shoots his guns into the room, but they don’t hit anything)
Tekagi: Now you will die! (Pulls another knife out of his sleeve)
(Ozu hits the bomb)
Trent: IT’S GONNA BLOW! (Runs toward the camera in slow motion and dives out just as the room explodes)
(In space)
Hakkera: Quick, we have to get back to Kyoto!
Trent: Phew, there are no enemies out here.
Hakkera: What did you say?
Trent: Oh crap, I didn’t mean it!
(Suddenly, they are attacked by some fighters and two Rheinland gunboats)
Trent: Oh well, at least it’s something easy for a change.
(After the fight)
Trent: I sense a disturbance in the force. A plot twist is approaching.
Juni: Where’s Ozu?
Hakkera: He was killed by a Nomad. They are aliens that can possess people, and they have been infiltrating the colonies for a while now. And they also go absolutely bonkers if they eat the smallest amount of sugar.
Juni: OMG plot twist!
Hakkera: The Nomads have taken over the Rheinland government, and they have become more aggressive. Then when Schultsky visited Manhattan, we knew they were trying to infiltrade the Liberty government, which is why we destroyed, or at least tried to destroy the RNC Donut.
Trent: Really?
Hakkera: No, we really just wanted their donuts. After all, the Liberty government gets taken over anyway, so what’s the point? Notice how it said “Fortunately for everyone except the Order”?
Trent: OK, so we’re being invaded by these aliens, and people are being turned into them.
Hakkera: Yep.
Trent: This explains so much! (Turns off the radio for a second, or at least thinks he does) Like Juni, for instance.
Juni: Grrrrrrrrrrrr…
Trent: Crap, did you hear that? Well I’ve got to meet someone in Omicron Theta right now, bye! (Flies off)
Juni: GET BACK HERE! Great, the one time you don’t buy disruptor ammo…
ENDE CHAPTERE TWELVE
Yes, finally I finished chapter 12! Hopefully anything left of the mob will be satisfied now. Well, I’m going out now.
Trent: Where?
X3 Addicts Anonymous. I finally sought help after I got an irrational fear of triangular objects. It’s because of these aliens that are X3’s equivalent to Nomads, and they fly pyramid-shaped ships with insta-hit lasers, uber missiles, and they attack in huge swarms! You can’t escape from them, they murder you wherever you go!
Trent: Oh crap, he’s starting to sound like me in Chapter 10!
The horror! (Starts running into various large objects in the room) THE HORROR!!
Trent: O_o Snap out of it! (Dumps another bucket of water on my head)
Sorry about that, I’ll just be going now.
(Outside)
Ahhh, nice weather today.
(A mob surrounds me pointing various class 10 guns and other weapons of mass destruction)
Mob leader: We’ve got you now!
Oh really? (Tries to teleport away) What? It’s not working!
Mob leader: (Holds out a weird-looking gadget) Magic Author Power Stop-O-Matic 2000. Quite useful at times. Anyways, you’re coming with us!
Aw crap.
Want to get the chapters of A Freelancer Parody before anyone else? Click here for more info.
Do a barrel roll!
Edited by - Starman Omega on 1/1/2006 1:39:37 PM
KYOTO BASE
Ozu: Blah blah blah Blood Dragons blah blah blah Tekagi blah blah blah Proteus Tome blah blah blah blah. So are you ready to go?
Trent: *Snore*
Ozu: -_- Wake up!
Trent: Oh yeah, is Juni coming?
Ozu: No.
Trent: WOOHOO! PARTY! PARTY!
Ozu: Let’s just get going.
(In space)
Ozu: Trent, we will go through a jumphole to the Tohoku system. I’m uploading the coordinates.
Juni: Hey, why are you leaving?
Trent: We’re going to Tekagi’s Arch without you. (Simpsons style) Ha haaa!
Juni: (Very dramatically) No! There must be another way!
Trent: You idiot, never say that! Now there won’t be another way!
Ozu: He speaks the truth. I have just found out Tekagi is leaving for Rheinland.
Juni: D’OH!
GATE: XENON SECTOR 347-I MEAN TOHOKU JUMPHOLE
Trent: Looks like SOMEONE’S been playing too much X3.
Trent: Hey, where is he?
(Trying to talk to a truck driver) Quiet! I’m trying to hire an Argon Mammoth to build a PPC factory near a military base! I will make great profitssss!
Trent: Forget I asked.
Ozu: Here’s the jumphole.
Trent: I know, I go first. (Flies in)
TOHOKU SYSTEM
Ozu: Let’s fly to a nearby Dragon base. We must be careful; there are many Rather Large Kusari Patrols™ in this system.
(Near the base)
Ryuku Base: Preparation does our fighter planes. Does the radar show the fact that it is the fleet whose Kusari is somewhat large. The base of Tekagi being soon, it has gotten together. He having gone away it seems the way.
Trent: Double-you tee eff?
Ryuku Base: It is translated regrettable, but our now by Babelfish!
Trent: Not the Babelfish again! Can’t you think of anything original?
(A terrifying, insane, evil hamster appears inside the ship)
Trent: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!
Do you apologize?
Trent: YES!
(The hamster disappears)
Ozu: What the heck was that all about?
Trent has a mortal fear of hamsters. Apparently once he was transporting a bunch of them when, in California, a pirate shot him with neutron guns. The radiation caused them to mutate into insane evil hamsters and they attacked him until he got to Manhattan. And since when do you say “What the heck was that all about”? That just sounds unnatural!
Ozu: Well what do you want me to say, “I would be honored to inquire what has taken place”?
Trent: Well, yes.
Ozu: Hamsters.
Trent: AHHHHHHHHH!! (Starts flying in circles)
Ozu: (Mr. Burns) Eexcellent. I can just see the blackmail possibilities.
Trent: Hey, what’s that coming toward us?
(A Rather Large Kusari Patrol™ is flying at them)
Ozu: Attack!
(NOTE: The following scene has been removed due to a lawsuit by Jack Thompson on the grounds that it is extremely violent and will corrupt the minds of young children. However, his house is now the target of a Mission 13-style Nomad orbital laser strike. But anyways, they keep flying towards the Arch)
Trent: Hopefully the defenses won’t be too strong, or at least they won’t cheat and use class 8 guns again!
(They come out of the cloud, where a Rather Large Kusari Fleet™ is waiting for them)
Trent: Ahhhhh it’s a Rather Large Kusari Fleet™!
Ozu: Come on, let’s take out those generators!
(Trent flies around, destroys the generators and docks with the Arch)
Trent: Great description there!
You want another insane hamster?
Trent: Of course not, sir. That was very good writing, sir.
Thank you.
TEKAGI’S ARCH
Ozu: Don’t worry; I will take out the guards with my uber ninja skills!
Ozu then opened the door and killed two of the guards with ninja stars. Then the third guard started shooting at him, so he threw a smoke bomb and appeared behind him.
Ozu: Matrix-style death kick!
Ozu ran towards the guard in slow motion, jumped up into the air and froze there. The camera spun around him once before he kicked the guard, who dropped to the floor.
Ozu: Come on, the Tome is in there!
They went in, Trent took the Tome and Ozu planted a bomb under the table. As you all know, then gas started coming in and when they woke up, Tekagi was standing there.
Tekagi: Yes, I finally get a part! Oh yeah, and why did you two come in here to kill me and take the Proteus Tome? (Changes expressions faster than Sinclair in Chapter 9) WHY?!
Trent: Eep!
Tekagi: ^_^ I love doing that. Leave us, guards.
Trent: Oh crap, rule #563 of all stories states that something bad will happen when the villain orders the guards to leave.
Tekagi: Do you really know who are dealing with?
Ozu: (Bad Mr. T impersonation) What you talking about, foo? You’re just a crazy man seein’ things that ain’t there!
Tekagi: (Bad Mr. T impersonation) You can’t imitate Mr. T, sucka! I pity the foo that does bad Mr. T impersonations!
Ozu: Hey, that was just as bad!
Tekagi: Shut up, foo! (Pulls a knife out of his sleeve and throws it at Ozu)
Ozu: (Pulls a katana out of his sleeve and deflects the knife)
Trent: Where did you get that?
Ozu: Dimensional pocket, all the great video game characters are using them nowadays.
Tekagi: Now you will die! (Starts pulling random stuff out of his sleeve) Now where did I leave my sword? (Throwing away the random stuff, including food wrappers, golf balls, a rubber ducky, a hamster (Trent: AHHH! HAMSTERS!), and a PS3 controller that flies back and almost hits him) OK, here it is. (Pulls another katana out) En garde!
Tekagi and Ozu then got into a cool Star Wars-style sword fight and that music in Star Wars Episode I when they fight Darth Maul started playing over the speakers.
Trent: (Watching and eating popcorn) Awesome! I give it 5 stars!
Ozu: (Cuts Tekagi’s arm)
Tekagi: A mere flesh wound! (Knocks Ozu’s sword out of his hand and stabs him)
Ozu: I am slain!
Trent: Aw man, he killed Ozu! That sucks.
Ozu: That was just so dramatic, Trent. Try that again.
Trent: OK, how’s this? OZU! NOOOOOOOOOO!!
Ozu: Not that dramatic!
Tekagi: *Ahem* Before you die, I want you to know one thing. I am your father’s cousin’s sister’s friend’s aunt’s grandson’s uncle’s dog’s groomer’s former roommate!
Ozu: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
(Hakkera flies in)
Hakkera: Get down! (Shoots a torpedo into the room, destroying it) Uhhhh…Whoops, wrong button.
(Magically rewinds time) Argh! How many times do I have to tell you, Hakkera? The green button shoots the guns, and the red one fires the torpedo!
Hakkera: Why am I getting a feeling of déjà vu here?
Never mind, just do it again!
Hakkera: Get down! (Shoots his guns into the room, but they don’t hit anything)
Tekagi: Now you will die! (Pulls another knife out of his sleeve)
(Ozu hits the bomb)
Trent: IT’S GONNA BLOW! (Runs toward the camera in slow motion and dives out just as the room explodes)
(In space)
Hakkera: Quick, we have to get back to Kyoto!
Trent: Phew, there are no enemies out here.
Hakkera: What did you say?
Trent: Oh crap, I didn’t mean it!
(Suddenly, they are attacked by some fighters and two Rheinland gunboats)
Trent: Oh well, at least it’s something easy for a change.
(After the fight)
Trent: I sense a disturbance in the force. A plot twist is approaching.
Juni: Where’s Ozu?
Hakkera: He was killed by a Nomad. They are aliens that can possess people, and they have been infiltrating the colonies for a while now. And they also go absolutely bonkers if they eat the smallest amount of sugar.
Juni: OMG plot twist!
Hakkera: The Nomads have taken over the Rheinland government, and they have become more aggressive. Then when Schultsky visited Manhattan, we knew they were trying to infiltrade the Liberty government, which is why we destroyed, or at least tried to destroy the RNC Donut.
Trent: Really?
Hakkera: No, we really just wanted their donuts. After all, the Liberty government gets taken over anyway, so what’s the point? Notice how it said “Fortunately for everyone except the Order”?
Trent: OK, so we’re being invaded by these aliens, and people are being turned into them.
Hakkera: Yep.
Trent: This explains so much! (Turns off the radio for a second, or at least thinks he does) Like Juni, for instance.
Juni: Grrrrrrrrrrrr…
Trent: Crap, did you hear that? Well I’ve got to meet someone in Omicron Theta right now, bye! (Flies off)
Juni: GET BACK HERE! Great, the one time you don’t buy disruptor ammo…
ENDE CHAPTERE TWELVE
Yes, finally I finished chapter 12! Hopefully anything left of the mob will be satisfied now. Well, I’m going out now.
Trent: Where?
X3 Addicts Anonymous. I finally sought help after I got an irrational fear of triangular objects. It’s because of these aliens that are X3’s equivalent to Nomads, and they fly pyramid-shaped ships with insta-hit lasers, uber missiles, and they attack in huge swarms! You can’t escape from them, they murder you wherever you go!
Trent: Oh crap, he’s starting to sound like me in Chapter 10!
The horror! (Starts running into various large objects in the room) THE HORROR!!
Trent: O_o Snap out of it! (Dumps another bucket of water on my head)
Sorry about that, I’ll just be going now.
(Outside)
Ahhh, nice weather today.
(A mob surrounds me pointing various class 10 guns and other weapons of mass destruction)
Mob leader: We’ve got you now!
Oh really? (Tries to teleport away) What? It’s not working!
Mob leader: (Holds out a weird-looking gadget) Magic Author Power Stop-O-Matic 2000. Quite useful at times. Anyways, you’re coming with us!
Aw crap.
Want to get the chapters of A Freelancer Parody before anyone else? Click here for more info.
Do a barrel roll!
Edited by - Starman Omega on 1/1/2006 1:39:37 PM
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