ACT I
SCENE I

In the city of Venice did live a general, by the name of Gromitello, who was enamoured with a fair maiden, Desdenuba. Though her father did not appreciate the attention the general had for her, they did steal themselves away during the night to be married. However, Gromitello's Ensign, Zlo, who had a most amiable outward appearance, did instead hide a raging hatred for his general. With his efforts he does work to split Gromitello from his happiness and his love to fair Desdenuba.

{Enter Zlo and Freighterick.}

Zlo: I hast read Sir Spectre's plays front to back and didst enjoy them much to my hearts content. However another story will not be made, lest another tale be presented. To this outcome I have charged myself.
Freighterick: I do not understand, Zlo.
Zlo: We each seek pleasure, both you and I, dear Freighterick. I from the written word and you to join with a woman for a night out.
Freighterick: 'Tis true. All I ask of fate is for a first time, an evening out with a beautiful woman. But alas ... no other woman do excite me or be as fair as sweet Desdenuba.
Zlo: Desdenuba, you say?
Freighterick: Aye, Desdenuba. I have become quite enamoured with her from afar. I know not how to approach such a heavenly creature. Praythee, can you give me some counsel?
Zlo: More advice? Hast not all the town provided you with much already?
Freighterick: Yay, but one can always assimilate more. I do wonder what I shall do for our first date, when time comes around. I would need to dazzle such a beauty as she. Perhaps I could wear a suit of armor to our first lover's escapade.
Zlo: I do not wish to get into such a lengthy discussion at this dark hour.
Freighterick: Zlo, you know women. Would they think less of me if I were to arrive on a donkey cart?
Zlo: If it be a hired ass, then perhaps. But if it be your ass, then I dare say not. Before you commit your love to her, know you that Desdenuba did make her home here in town after the man, UbaNewba, had for some time departed?
Freighterick: I know not of her family affairs with her cousin or brother, whoever he be. But 'tis a wonderous coincidence she come to our town at all. The stars look favorable tonight.
Zlo: Those very stars do deceive thee. On this very night Gromitello did steal her away to be married.
Freighterick: No, cannot be! She be my heart's surrender. Oh, what pain does affect this poor drumbeat of mine.
Zlo: Dear lovesick Freighterick, do not be glum. All is not lost. I know of Desdenuba's true affection for thee.
Freighterick: You make jest, Zlo?
Zlo: Nay, I do not. She had at one time been enamoured with the boar, my Lord Gromitello, but now bitterly entwined she is with the affections he has for her, which she does no longer return. Ensnared in his embrace she does clamour to be free and encage you in her arms.
Freighterick: It be true? All that you say?
Zlo: Yay, Freighterick, 'tis true.
Freighterick: But if she is to be married ...
Zlo: We shall have an end put to it. From henceforth, yours and mine affairs are irrevocably linked to the end of disturbing their union. We shall win thee Desdenuba and I shall have me a tale and my revenge.
Freighterick: What revenge do you speak of?
Zlo: The boar did promote Rilmsio to position of First Lieutenant of Scouting over me, to which I remain Gromitello's Ensign. Rilmsio, Rilmsio! Wherefore hath he chosen Rilmsio?! While many a year in the scouts, he has not led an expedition into the forest, nor fought a wildebeast with only a pocket knife. And I, Gromitello's Ensign, remain so regardless of my faithful and honest works to my general. For this outrage I shall end his joy and bring much sorrow upon their marriage.
Freighterick: This be a task too harsh for me.
Zlo: Nay, dear Freighterick, your outcome shall be Desdenuba's love for thee. Is there no greater reason to commit ourselves to this task?
Freighterick: Love be worth a fight.
Zlo: Wise words indeed. The father of Desdenuba be now asleep and knows not of Gromitello's theft of his daughter. We will wake him, so he may stop the wedding. Stand there, I will hide myself.
Freighterick: Why must you hide?
Zlo: Is it not your quest to win her heart? Let it be known it is you who fights for her.
Freighterick: I know not what to say.
Zlo: {Aloud} Wake up the house! Call to the lord of the manor! Where is your daughter?!
Freighterick: Zlo?!
Zlo: Quiet, here comes Desdenuba's father hence.

{Enter Eraser.}

Eraser: Who beckons at this late hour?
Zlo: Look to your house! Your daughter be stolen away!
Eraser: Who you be? It is difficult to see with no moon over our sleepy town.
Zlo: Merely a man concerned! Your daughter has been stolen from your house!
Eraser: My daughter be safely asleep in her crib.
Zlo: Nay, your older daughter has been taken to the church for marriage to the boar Gromitello!
Eraser: I have no older daughter, only an older son UbaNewba.
Freighterick: {Aside to Zlo} What dost he mean?
Zlo: Quiet. {Aloud} Does your son stay in his bed?!
Eraser: I shall check ........ No, he has been stolen from my house.
Zlo: Then perhaps it be he that Gromitello is to marry!
Freighterick: {Aside to Zlo} What trickery do you shout? Why hast he forgotten his daughter?
Zlo: Be still.
Eraser: Treachery! Vile treachery is this, if it be true! Raise the house! My son has been stolen away for marriage! Raise my kindred!
Zlo: Lets us away.

{Exit All.}

SCENE II

{Enter Eraser, Tawakalna and Nickless.}

Eraser: Gromitello! Remove thee from thy home! Gromitello!
Nickless: What strife be caused here?
Eraser: Without my consent, Gromitello did engage himself to my son!
Tawakalna: Your son? ... To be wed to Gromitello?
Nickless: Is that even legal?

{Enter Gromitello.}

Gromitello: Gentlemen, I do beseech thee, for what reason has my slumber been stirred?
Eraser: You have stolen away my son!
Gromitello: I know not of your son. And you good senators, why be here on this night.
Tawakalna: News of great importence.

{Enter Desdenuba.}

Eraser: State affairs shall wait until my family affairs be addressed.
Desdenuba: Good father, I am before you. Praythee, what be your quarrel?
Eraser: You are not my son UbaNewba.
Desdenuba: Nay, I be not UbaNewba. {Aside to Eraser} However, I once be UbaNewba your son, but I now be your daughter ... Desdenuba.
Eraser: What deception is this?
Gromitello: To what deception do you refer, this be your daughter Desdenuba. Cannot thine eyes see by the twilight it be her?
Eraser: My eyes do see damn well enough that he be a she!
Nickless: Is she or isn't she your daughter, that is the question?!
Eraser: Contrary to his birth, she is.
Gromitello: I understand little of your feeble ramblings, old man. Desdenuba is the grandest woman that ever did live.
Eraser: Thou art an enchanter. With thine beguiling words in the town forum you did woo my son--er, daughter--to your arms.
Nickless: Gromitello, our accomplished officer, what hast thou to say on thy behalf?
Tawakalna: Didst thou put a spell on dear Desdenuba?
Gromitello: Aye, a most potent combination of my shed tears from grave stories of battles on the computer and campaigns I have led on the platforms of many game systems. From my humble upbringings to my charges as your officer.
Nickless: {Aside to Tawakalna} I believe this would win my daughter's affection.
Tawakalna: He's got my heart--I mean--I too agree.
Gromitello: And with a greedy ear she did devour my discourse. She listened with pain and a great strength to my tales and in return gave a world of snickers. Twas a wonder, a pitiful wonder, that a woman from the fairer sex did laugh so daintily at death. A strong and temperate heart has she to hear such burdens.
Eraser: Tis the case she once be a man!
Gromitello: You do her wrong. She once be an angel wed to God and now she be a woman wed to me. So I will not hear of such besmerching of Desdenuba's good name. She be a lady and my wife this very night.
Eraser: Son can this be true?! Have you deceived me further? Before these witnesses, speak of where your devotion lies.
Desdenuba: You are my father, to you I am bound as a devoted daughter--
Eraser: Son.
Desdenuba: --But he is my husband and to him I am bound as a devoted wife. His bindings be greater for he has handcuffs for which to clasp me to our bed.
Tawakalna: A handkerchief for my tears do I need, for this be a touching scene.
Eraser: Touching? A son's transformation and a daughter's stolen vows?!
Tawakalna: Tis a beautiful moment, not the likes witnessed by me since Elena and Salvatore's reunion in Cinema Paradiso. Lo, here my tears flow.
Gromitello: What is this transformation of which you speak? She but only be transformed from your daughter to my wife. That be all.
Eraser: You have her hand and I not. I Eraser, do erase her from my memory. Ere, I go.
Nickless: These quarrels now be over.
Eraser: Gromitello, look to your wife! Desdenuba hath deceived her father with her marriage to thee and by her gender. If he--she can do it on her doting father, a doting husband too may be deceived. I rid myself of you, dear son, daughter ... whatever.

{Exit Eraser.}

Tawakalna: Now down to afore mentioned great matters of importence to which we were on our very way to deliver to thee.
Nickless: That statement be a mouthful.
Tawakalna: From the north, our enemy does approach to lay siege to our Town Forum. In the morning you are to go to our naval stronghold to take up defense against the Penguins.
Gromitello: Penguins come from Antarctica, 'tis in the south.
Tawakalna: Aye, I meant south.
Nickless: Actually, it be the Dutch who approach.
Tawakalna: Yay, truth be told, the Dutch approach from the south.
Nickless: The north.
Tawakalna: The north. Go to the island of Cyprus where your command is needed.
Nickless: Nobody knows where Holland is, "it's somewhere in Europe," they say! Damn tourists!
Tawakalna: If that be all Senator Nickless ...
Nickless: Cyprus is not anywhere near Holland. Why send General Gromitello there?
Tawakalna: Why concern yourself with Holland? We make war with the Dutch.
Nickless: My blood be raised too greatly for a proper response!
Tawakalna: Gromitello go to Cyprus, rally the penguins to arms!
Gromitello: The men dost thou mean? Rally the men?
Tawakalna: If it be necessary, yes. I be off to my penguin for cheese and my trousers. Good night, gentlemen and lady.
Desdenuba: Good night, kind sir.
Nickless: Good night general, madame.
Desdenuba: And you, sir.
Gromitello: Good night Statesman Tawakalna and Senator Nickless.

{Exit Tawakalna and Nickless.}

Gromitello: Now that we be alone. I have a present for thee to mark our wedding day. I had deemed later a more proper time to give it thee, but as we do leave for Cyprus in the morning given now it is to be.
Desdenuba: Ohh, what blessed keepsake is this?
Gromitello: The amulet of Chewbacca to be hung around your neck.
Desdenuba: It hath fur and a snout, it be too precious for words! Lo, there too be an engraving of your love for me.
Gromitello: Aye, those words speak of me true. Whether it be a conspiracy on the part of heaven dwelling gods who dabble amongst the mortals, or forest living fairies that stir up great mischief; my heart be bound to you in such a way that neither heaven nor deep woods can explain.
Desdenuba: Such poetry from my lord, I be a fortunate man ... WOMAN!, woman I am.
Gromitello: And a pretty one at that. Let's us away to our quarters. Take my hand.
Desdenuba: It is taken.
Gromitello: Such a strong grip you have.

{Exit Gromitello and Desdenuba. Enter Zlo and Freighterick.}

Zlo: Our attempts at foiling their marriage were ineffective. More must be done.
Freighterick: Desdenuba be married. What is there more to do? I suppose I could go about the town asking for advice to lure another woman into my lovesick heart.
Zlo: No, Desdenuba will be yours. Patience. We will get thee the fair woman with whom thou art enamoured. After his war with the Dutch, upon Gromitello's return to Cyprus will we conduct our meddling into their affairs.

{Exit all.}

Edited by - Sir Spectre on 10-10-2003 03:27:06

ACT II
SCENE I

{Enter Rilmsio and Warlord Bobino}

Rilmsio: Make the announcement officer.
Bobino: {Aloud} Hark, raise the town in celebration! Our leader does return in victory! Having sent the Dutch Armada to the bottom of the seas! Tonight, um--{Aside to Rilmsio} Had there ever been such a thing as a Dutch Armada?
Rilmsio: Just keep reading.
Bobino: {Aloud} Tonight shall be festivities for the enjoyment of our returning heroes and at long last the toast to General Gromitello's union with Desdenuba! Officers will have leave on this night to take part of the victory party! And afterwards will be invited to the post-Wedding Shower, where you are expected to bring gifts! Please know you, that whips and chains do not make suitable gifts as we do already have a dungeon! That is all.
Rilmsio: Very good Warlord Bobino. You may go.

{Enter Desdenuba, exit Bobino.}

Desdenuba: Lieutenant Rilmsio, how fare thee?
Rilmsio: Fine my lady.
Desdenuba: Does my lord approach?
Rilmsio: His ship is nearly to port.
Desdenuba: I be pleased that my lord hath made thee his First Lieutenant, dear friend.
Rilmsio: It is my great honour to serve your husband, as I have for some time served as your friend. Lo, here our lord comes with his ensign.

{Enter Gromitello and Zlo.}

Zlo: Good day my lady Desdenuba and my good friend, Rilmsio.
Desdenuba: Welcome my lord, and good day to you honest Zlo.
Rilmsio: Good day General Gromitello, and welcome back old friend Zlo.
Gromitello: Sweet Desdenuba, come to my arms. How art thee Rilmsio?
Rilmsio: Good.
Gromitello: Good. And thee Desdenuba, how be you my dear wife?
Desdenuba: Good, my lord.
Gromitello: Good. And you honest Zlo, how you be?
Zlo: Good.
Gromitello: Good .... Good .... Good. Everyone be good then?
Rilmsio: Good am I. No better no worse.
Desdenuba: Good indeed, my lord.
Zlo: You know I be good the entire voyage here.
Gromitello: Good ......
Rilmsio: We have festivities planned for tonight to celebrate your union and our victory.
Gromitello: Good, good.
Desdenuba: Perhaps we should ajourn to our quarters. You must be weary from battle and the long voyage.
Gromitello: That would be ............................... great!
Zlo: {Aside} Another "good" and I would have cut him down right here.
Gromitello: Rilmsio, look to the watch this night, while the men do enjoy their celebration.
Rilmsio: It is my honour, general.

{Exit all.}

SCENE II

{Enter Desdenuba and Jedierrant.}

Desdenuba: Nurse, help me with my Chewbacca amulet.
Jedierrant: The clasp appears loose, I fear it will not hold.
Desdenuba: Thank you. It came loose while my lord was away.
Jedierrant: But 'tis a wonderful gift your lord did give. I wish I had someone to give me such a wonderful memento.
Desdenuba: Enamoured with Star Wars are you, Nurse Jedierrant?
Jedierrant: Very much so. It be a supreme epic in my eyes.
Desdenuba: You speak as if it consumes you.
Jedierrant: To a point perhaps, but Star Wars does teach some about life.
Desdenuba: How so?
Jedierrant: Like Master Yoda's speak, Olde English is, yes? Hehmmmmhaha!
Desdenuba: I see your logic. Again, I thank you good nurse, I go now to my husband.

{Exit Desdenuba.}

Jedierrant: My lady's amulet hast fallen from around her neck, and here it be on the floor.

{Enter Zlo.}

Zlo: How you be, my significant other?
Jedierrant: What would you give me for that amulet?
Zlo: What amulet?
Jedierrant: The same amulet of my lady's that you bid me steal.
Zlo: Give it me.
Jedierrant: For what purpose do you want it?
Zlo: I have a use for it. Give it me.
Jedierrant: You will rue the day you treat me this way. Am I not your significant other? And not am I a faceless stormtrooper. I have no wish to be chewed up and spit upon the ground. Never have you given me a Star Wars keepsake.
Zlo: I gave thee the NCC-1701 Enterprise Christmas tree ornament.
Jedierrant: Star Trek, pischaw! You gave it me in July when it be a sale price in the store.
Zlo: Enough of your mouth. With this Chewbacca amulet in hand, I go.
Jedierrant: I know not why I put up with that bastard.

{Exit all.}

SCENE III

{Enter Zlo and Freighterick.}

Freighterick: What is it I am to do?
Zlo: Whilst Rilmsio be on his duties of the watch, I will embibe him with drink to the loss of his decency. Then thou wilt provoke him to skirmish under the watchful eye of a crowd.
Freighterick: How will this aide me in winning Desdenuba's love?
Zlo: First we must remove General Gromitello's trusted counsel before proceeding we will to remove Desdenuba from the general. Look to me for my signal to thee. Then thou shalt prod Rilmsio with thy annoyance. I will tend to the rest. Here comes Rilmsio hence, hide yourself.

{Freighterick hides, Enter Rilmsio.}

Zlo: How goes the watch Lieutenant?
Rilmsio: It goes well. I do spy much joy and merriment about the town.
Zlo: Save for you ... come now away from the watch. Drink this Liberty Ale for 'tis a day of celebration!
Rilmsio: Nay, I cannot.
Zlo: I beseech thee, drink a toast to victory with me. One drink ne'er do man injustice?
Rilmsio: One drink will bring no harm. A toast! To the conquest of our enemies.
Zlo: A worthy toast ...
Rilmsio: Have ye noticed that there be but one Ale in this town?
Zlo: Aye, but 'tis a good ale. Here, let me pour thee another cup.
Rilmsio: I dare not.
Zlo: Do enjoy another toast with me. To the union of our General and your friend Desdenuba.
Rilmsio: That too be a worthy toast. Do pour ... A toast to the blessed union of my lord and my lady!
Zlo: Here, here!
Rilmsio: I wonder why it be that we have but one ale. We see to ships that gather from all ports of the known world, can there not be more than one ale brought for our enbibement?
Zlo: Drink it up, for if we vanquish our stock perhaps they will bring new liquors to replenish that which we have finished.
Rilmsio: I likest the way you think, Zlo. Ale ... the cause of and solution to all of life's problems.
Zlo: Correct you are.
Rilmsio: So, let us all drink and solve our problems.
Zlo: A drink! ... Another?
Rilmsio: Most certainly ... Have you ever pondered why there be but one ale here for us to drink?
Zlo: We pondered such a thought afore.
Rilmsio: Then good Zlo, tell me, have we yet pondered why there be only one bar here in this fort and for that matter only one bar on Planet Manhatten.
Zlo: Nay, we have not.
Rilmsio: 'Tis a strange thing that a fort or a planet of that size have no other bars to which to go.
Zlo: 'Tis wonderous strange. {Aside to Freighterick} Make a move.
Freighterick: A knave be ye, here a strike!
Rilmsio: You dare strike me, insolent peasant. Be gone with ye!

{Freighterick hides himself again.}

Zlo: Pay him no mind, Lieutenant. Here is more drink for your good humour of him that hit you.
Rilmsio: Good humour I have. And true merriment too! A drink!
Zlo: A drink!
Rilmsio: More is needed in this goblet. Zlo ... ?
Zlo: Yay, Rilmsio?
Rilmsio: What be a knave?
Zlo: I know not.
Rilmsio: 'Tis an odd insult that be. Do I knave people to distraction, are my actions like a knave, or do I sit on my knave? I know not, says I.
Zlo: Drink and forget, Rilmsio.
Rilmsio: This knave shall drink ... But I dare no more, I do have my duty to attend. I will take my watch through the streets where celebration occurs.

{Exit Rilmsio.}

Zlo: Come forth, Freighterick.
Freighterick: I fear that I may come out of my dealings with Rilmsio rather damaged.
Zlo: Fear not, there will be others to look to your protection.
Freighterick: When we accomplish that which we set out to do and I get Desdenuba's heart. Perhaps she will be much impressed of me if I were to take her to a castle for a joyful meal.
Zlo: Dude, she lives in a castle. But never you mind that now, we have important matters still at hand.
Freighterick: What am I to do now?
Zlo: Remember ye a man by the name of Hey?
Freighterick: Aye, I did meet the psycho briefly, near upon his expulsion.
Zlo: Be like Hey to Rilmsio and draw out his temper. The drink does take its effect. But more be needed, to that I go provide more.

{Exit all.}

SCENE IV

{Enter Rilmsio and Jiminy,}

Jiminy: Lieutenant, lieutenant, how you be?!
Rilmsio: Greetings Jiminy, but I don't wish to enter into another discussion about how "good" I be.
Jiminy: Well, I be now a Life Scout and directly under your command.
Rilmsio: That's good news indeed. I look forward to your service.

{Enter Zlo and Freighterick who hides himself.}

Jiminy: 'Tis a grand celebration!
Zlo: Aye it is. And more drink for the merry do I bring.
Rilmsio: No more drink for me Zlo.
Zlo: Before the boy, do you act a wuss?
Rilmsio: A wuss not I, merely a knave.
Jiminy: Thou art funny!
Rilmsio: Very well, another drink will I take.
Freighterick: I be like Hey! Frompen ma fritter frap, a zam zam zooey thou art a grave knave!
Rilmsio: You speak more like Bill Cosby than Hey. But be gone with you before my anger boil over.
Freighterick: A slap to thee head. Lo! You ne'er strike me dead!
Rilmsio: A single strike, ALEE!
Freighterick: OHHH!
Rilmsio: Be gone with thee!

{Exit Freighterick.}

Jiminy: What a strange fellow?
Zlo: Raise drink to his departure.
Rilmsio: I shall drink to that.
Zlo: Let us go to the bar.
Rilmsio: To which bar do you refer, the one where great quantities of Liberty Ale be provided or the other one where Liberty Ale is not; which is a lie and be the same bar indeed?
Zlo: Both bars, Lieutenant.
Rilmsio: Good answer. To both, as one, we go. I will see thee later Jiminy. Wait, I have something found in my home this day, I give it thee.
Jiminy: A Chewbacca amulet! 'Tis be a grand gift!
Rilmsio: A reward for thy hard work and dilligence in scouting. Now go, enjoy the festivities.
Jiminy: Have good drink and good women too!
Rilmsio: Haha ho! Be off, you sly boy.
Jiminy: I bid you bye.

{Exit all.}

SCENE V

{Enter Rilmsio, Zlo, Warlord Bobino and Freighterick hides himself.}

Rilmsio: Gentle...men, do not think me drunk. For 'tis true that I drink this drink, however I have not drunk enough to be drunk. Where hast my head gone?
Zlo: 'Tis still on thine neck, where it be attached.
Rilmsio: I can feel it with mine hands, but I cannot sense my head by any other means.
Bobino: You be too infatuated with merry ale.
Rilmsio: True, I be merry with drink. But do not think me drunk. For I twas merry without drink. Now I drink to be more merry than before I had drink, drunk, drank--whichever be the proper form of the word.
Freighterick: Ca caw! Ca caw!
Rilmsio: You twerp! I will slay thee!
Zlo: Rilmsio, look to your office. Do no harm.
Bobino: Honourable Rilmsio calm your temper!
Rilmsio: I aim to slay a nuisance! Come here nuisance and take my steel into your chest!
Bobino: I take my steel to thee Rilmsio, that I may protect the peace.
Rilmsio: I shall duel with thee to get to that annoyance behind thee.
Zlo: Call to arms the watch! There be swordplay. {Aside to Freighterick} Go into the town square and beckon "Mutiny!"
Freighterick: Mutiny! Mutiny! There be a mutiny!

{Exit Freighterick.}

Zlo: Stop this fight dear friends!

{Enter Gromitello and Desdenuba.}

Gromitello: LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS!! ....... Good. What conspiracy does present itself?
Bobino: Conspiracy, my lord?
Gromitello: Who began this strife?
Bobino: Your ensign can tell thee.
Gromitello: Zlo, who began these stirrings?
Zlo: I would tear out my tongue and with it wipe my own arse before I do offense to Rilmsio.
Gromitello: I know honest Zlo, you do well by your friend. But Rilmsio ... for thy actions in this dispute, no longer will you be an officer of mine. Zlo, you now be my First Lieutenant.
Zlo: My lord.
Gromitello: Come Desdenuba, we go now to our chamber.
Bobino: And I rid myself of your company Rilmsio.

{Exit Gromitello, Desdenuba and Bobino.}

Rilmsio: Reputation, reputation, Zlo, I have lost my reputation.
Zlo: There be worse ways to lose a reputation.
Rilmsio: How so?
Zlo: To be caught too well knowing a goat.
Rilmsio: There is that, I suppose. But still I have lost my reputation, the immortal part of myself. The part of me that does endure time where by body will not.
Zlo: Desdenuba did appear to be moved by your plight.
Rilmsio: Moved to laughter?
Zlo: Nay, moved to tears. The general does look to her for much comfort. In her comfort to him can she redeem thee. Dear Rilmsio, go to her and pronounce your admonishment of your behaviour and ask that she doth speak on your behalf to the general. On the morrow, ask for her assistence. She will surely give thee aide.
Rilmsio: Your advice is wise, Zlo. I shall do it. Now I go to bed and sleep on tonight's happenings.

{Exit all.}




Edited by - Sir Spectre on 10-10-2003 03:33:34

ACT III
SCENE I

{Enter Desdenuba and Rilmsio.)

Rilmsio: My lady.
Desdenuba: Ah, Rilmsio, I be greatly sorry for your bannishment from my husband's service.
Rilmsio: It be that, I wish to speak of?

{Enter Gromitello and Zlo.}

Zlo: There be Rilmsio and your wife. I likest not that.
Gromitello: What is your meaning by that?
Zlo: Nothing, my lord, just a passing thought.
Gromitello: Nay, 'tis more than a thought. I praythee, speak your mind.
Zlo: I didst not know that Rilmsio knew your Desdenuba.
Gromitello: Aye, they be friends of olde.
Zlo: Well, Rilmsio hath enjoyed the company of Desdenuba before. But as they are friends of olde, that must be why they do see each other from time to time.

{Exit Rilmsio.}

Desdenuba: How fare thee good husband?
Gromitello: Was that Rilmsio that went hence?
Desdenuba: A most distraught Rilmsio who did entreat me to speak on his behalf to thee. Please, husband, may we have him to supper so he can explain his case.
Gromitello: Perhaps another time.
Desdenuba: Please, my lord. Rilmsio's heart does ache for the pain he caused thee.
Gromitello: I will consider it.
Desdenuba: I go now tell Rilmsio of this good turn in your mood.

{Exit Desdenuba.}

Gromitello: Zlo, do you not think she be honest?
Zlo: People should be what they seem.
Gromitello: Nay, there be more hidden beneathe your thoughts. Tell me now, if thoust did love me, thoust would speak thy thoughts.
Zlo: My lord, you know I love you.
Gromitello: Aye, I think thoust does.
Zlo: What I speak of is not proof. Gromitello, look to your wife, notice her well. She doth dwell too much on your beliefs that she be honest.
Gromitello: Conspiracy, conspiracy, a conspiracy has befallen me! By witness of the rising moon, I am ensnared in an intrigue of which I know not the reality. I think Desdenuba be honest, yet I think she is not. I think thee be just, but I think thee are not. I think Desdenuba be a woman, yet I think she is not. Conspiracy does surround my being. What be truth and what be lies?
Zlo: It takes two people to conspire my lord. I am but one man.
Gromitello: Proof Zlo! I need proof before I am to condemn my wife!
Zlo: Didst thou give an amulet to Desdenuba?
Gromitello: Aye, I did.
Zlo: An amulet of Chewbacca with fur and a strong snout?
Gromitello: Aye, I gave her such a one.
Zlo: That very amulet did I see in the posession of Rilmsio the other day. It bore your words, the eternal seal of thy love and the LucasFilms logo.
Gromitello: Curses! Cursed be the whore who trapped my love in deceit. Here comes the whore now.
Zlo: I shall take my leave.

{Enter Desdenuba, exit Zlo.}

Desdenuba: Rilmsio didst enjoy the tidings of your changed heart. But I beg of thee, welcome him back into your service.
Gromitello: He did enjoy your company?
Desdenuba: My words did raise his spirits.
Gromitello: I grow weary, I would like to see thine Chewbacca so that I may stroke the fur to calm my mood and ease the pain of my head.
Desdenuba: But I have come to talk about Rilmsio.
Gromitello: The Chewbacca.
Desdenuba: You do attempt to sway me from my purpose. Rilmsio be a great officer of thine. Please welcome him back.
Gromitello: The Chewbacca!
Desdenuba: I have it not about me.
Gromitello: Is it lost?
Desdenuba: Nay, it is not lost. But if it were--
Gromitello: Is it lost?!
Desdenuba: Nay, I say it is not lost, but if it were what strife would it bring between us?
Gromitello: Be gone from my sight!
Desdenuba: My lord?
Gromitello: Be gone vile harlet!!!
Desdenuba: I would not stay to cause offense.

{Exit Desdenuba.}

Gromitello: Oh, what wretched conspiracy does enfold in my care. A love I once thought honest, now be spoiled. But certain I am not.

{Enter Zlo.}

Zlo: My lord.
Gromitello: If you be devious of your concern about fair Desdenuba, may God have mercy on your soul for I will not!!
Zlo: I shall get thee proof, from the very mouth of the deceiver. Come my lord, Rilmsio be walking the streets near us. I shall talk him into confessing his sins while you be hidden from sight, but not from being able to hear his wicked deeds.

{Gromitello hides, enter Rilmsio.}

Zlo: Greetings dear Rilmsio!
Rilmsio: Greetings Zlo, have you heard, the Senators and Statesmen are bound to arrive to congratulate the men on their conquest of the Dutch.
Zlo: Nay, I have not. But I did hear Desdenuba has spoken on your behalf to the General.
Rilmsio: This lightens my mood.
Zlo: {Aside to Rilmsio} And how about your past love, the one with which you recently split, a few nights afore?
Rilmsio: We are separated, her and I, but still we be friends with, shall I say ... benefits.
Zlo: A true ladies' man art thee. To maintain a bond with a woman with whom you must remain apart and to have the love of dear Desdenuba to go so boldly to the General to speak on your behalf.
Rilmsio: Yay, do I agree that I am a man much blessed with women.

{Enter Jiminy.}

Jiminy: Rilmsio, why hath you given me this Chewbacca amulet, when there stays engraved that it be betrothed to a great love.
Rilmsio: I knew not of those markings. 'Tis of no importence to me. Do you wish to return it.
Jiminy: Nay, I still wish to keep the amulet. Simply a passing curiosity struck me upon seeing those touching words. I be off. Thank you again Rilmsio.
Rilmsio: I be off too.
Zlo: Go in peace, Rilmsio.

{Exit Jiminy and Rilmsio.}

Zlo: Did you hear how he spoke of your Desdenuba as a friend with "benefits?"
Gromitello: Aye, I did.
Zlo: And see you the amulet in Jiminy's posession? Desdenuba did give Rilmsio your token of love and he hath given it his scout. To that reason, I do not think my stomach could handle an answer as to "why" he hath given it his scout.
Gromitello: These wrongs must be avenged! Look you to Rilmsio as a friend?
Zlo: No more be Rilmsio a friend of mine. Dead to me he is ... dead as a can of spam.
Gromitello: Revenge upon this conspiracy of two, we must. A poison, Zlo, get me a poison so I may stop my wife's beating heart.
Zlo: Do it not with poison. Strangle her in her bed. The very bed she hath contaminated with Rilmsio's cooties.
Gromitello: Good, the justice of your advice does me well. What about Rilmsio?
Zlo: Let me kill him.
Gromitello: Aye, Zlo. To that end I do entreaty you.

{Exit all.}

SCENE II

{Enter Tawakalna, Nickless and Gromitello.}

Tawakalna: General Gromitello, congratulations on your victory over the penguins.
Nickless: It was welcome news in the senate.

{Enter Desdenuba.}

Nickless: Wherebe your lieutenant?
Desdenuba: There has been a cause of some discontention between my lord and Rilmsio.
Tawakalna: Ah dear lady your trousers look lovely this day.
Nickless: He means your dress. And 'tis true you are a beautiful sight. What is this news of Rilmsio?
Desdenuba: I do plead on Rilmsio's behalf that my lord do accept him back into his good grace.
Gromitello: Enough of your pleading.
Desdenuba: Rilmsio is a good and decent man who did make a mistake on one eve to which my lord has bannished him from his service.
Gromitello: Be still your mouth.
Desdenuba: I only speak of honest Rilmsio.
Gromitello: Honest! A SLAP for thee!!
Desdenuba: I will not stay to offend.
Tawakalna: Do call her back.
Gromitello: Stay hence, woman.
Desdenuba: I will stay for as long as is your pleasure.
Nickless: She is a woman of obedience.
Gromitello: Aye, obedience. See how she doth turn away from scorn and turn back when I ask and turn away again when I be angered!
Nickless: Well .... then, on to other matters, we bring news that you and your wife can return to Venice. Rilmsio will take command of the fort.
Gromitello: Rilmsio?
Nickless: Aye, Rilmsio.
Gromitello: Go woman. Get thee to bed.
Desdenuba: At thy command I go.

{Exit Desdenuba.}

Tawakalna: What the cheese is going on here? I do not understand a trouser or a penguin of what drama takes place on this spot.
Gromitello: It is of no concern to you. Praythee, do not press the issue. I will abide by your decision. Stateman, Senator, both of you have had a long journey to our fort and must be as weary as I. Please excuse me to bed.

{Exit all.}

SCENE III

{Enter Zlo and Freighterick.}

Freighterick: I have no great devotion to this deed.
Zlo: Rilmsio also woos your love. For you to have Desdenuba, he must not live.
Freighterick: Surely with my personality, I am to win Desdenuba's love. A killing not be necessary.
Zlo: No.
Freighterick: I be witty--
Zlo: No.
Freighterick: Charming?
Zlo: No.
Freighterick: I can offer her a challenge to a game of Monopoly! ........
Freighterick: ......................................................................
Freighterick: ......................................................................
Freighterick: ......................................................................
Freighterick: ................... You be right, I must kill him.
Zlo: Lo, here Rilmsio approaches. Here is a dagger.

{Zlo hides, enter Rilmsio.}

Freighterick: A deadly blow I deal thee.
Rilmsio: A scratch upon my side you heathen have caused. Come so that I may throttle thee.
Freighterick: Ahhh! Away I flee!

{Freighterick hides himself.}

Rilmsio: Raise the watch! There be a culprit in our midst! I stand here bleeding!

{Enter Bobino, Wolf Demon, Killzone and DeathHawk, Zlo emerges.}

Bobino: What strife goes on here?!
Zlo: Who calls the watch?
Rilmsio: I do. Help me search him out, a man who dealt this wound to my side.
Wolfgang: I, Wolfgang, will tear out this culprit's heart and gnaw on his flesh!
Killzonio: I, Killzonio, will fillet the very heart Wolfgang removes and batter it in a nice wine sauce!
DeathHawk: Can I join thee? I really want to be a part of your search! How can I help?
Zlo: All of you, split up and seek this attacker out.

{Exit Bobino, Killzonio, DeathHawk and Wolfgang.}

Freighterick: Zlo?
Zlo: I be here.
Freighterick: Save me.
Zlo: Only by this dagger!
Freighterick: AHHH!

{Enter Gowserpaul.}

Gowserpaul: I come! I come! Aw dammit, too late again! I do miss a second time the enjoyment of a chase.
Zlo: The culprit is slain. Now I must go, other affairs need be attended to.

{Exit Zlo.}

Gowerspaul: I now be left alone to clean up the mess on my own. And this be like the duties I have been offered to take in another town forum. Dammit!

SCENE IV

{Enter Desdenuba and Jedierrant.}

Desdenuba: As the moon does grow brighter in the night sky, I feel that my lord's love be waning from me.
Jedierrant: Men are a fickle breed, I should know I be one.
Desdenuba: I used to be.
Jedierrant: Used to be what?
Desdenuba: Oh nurse, what earthly deceit does drive away a man's love?
Jedierrant: Earthly, I know not. But on Endor's moon, creatures known as Ewoks do live out their lives surrounded by love for each other. Only an Evil Galactic Empire can come between two who love each other there.
Desdenuba: I fear that something smaller does intrude upon my happiness. Lo! I hear my lord approaching. Away good nurse! While I look as if I be asleep.

{Exit Jedierrant, enter Gromitello.}

Gromitello: Desdenuba be asleep ... Put out the light. A candle, a flame burning too brightly for the jealous moon now high over our fort. The moon approaches too closely to Earth more than men had want of her. It drives them to jealousy and rage. Put out the light.
Desdenuba: My lord?
Gromitello: Aye, Desdenuba?
Desdenuba: Come you to bed?
Gromitello: If thoust has any sin that thoust has committed, confess it now. I would not kill an unprepared spirit.
Desdenuba: Talk you of killing?
Gromitello: Aye.
Desdenuba: I praythee kill me tomorrow, let me live tonight.
Gromitello: It is too late. No confession have ye?
Desdenuba: Just that the rumours be true, I once be a man.
Gromitello: With a queasy stomach I do now hurl! Yeaacht!! Eaaarpt!
Desdenuba: Dear husband, this is no story of "The Crying Game."
Gromitello: Sorry, I stained the linens. Where was I?
Desdenuba: Talking of killing.
Gromitello: Oh yes ... Put out the light.
Desdenuba: If know you hadn't that I been a man, then what grave sin have I supposedly committed?
Gromitello: Committed? Committed? You did be false to your marriage, with Rilmsio.
Desdenuba: No by heaven I have not! Ask him yourself.
Gromitello: His mouth be stopped, seen to by honest Zlo.
Desdenuba: Oh ... ?
Gromitello: Put out the light.
Desdenuba: Must you keep saying that?
Gromitello: Put out the light.
Desdenuba: Just screw this light bulb of her life!!
Gromitello: Around your neck will I stop your breath.
Desdenuba: Huuuh!
Gromitello: Put out the light .......

{Enter Jedierrant.}

Jedierrant: Oh, General Gromitello. I thought I heard my lady scream.
Gromitello: Aye, she be in her bed.
Jedierrant: My lady? Oh, look at this! I have to wash these linens! .... And my lady lies here murdered! My lady, my lady!
Desdenuba: With my last breath ... my lord hath done no wrong ....
Jedierrant: ....... My lady lies here murdered. Murdered in her bed.
Gromitello: You heard her say 'twas not me.
Jedierrant: Aye, she did.
Gromitello: She be a liar, gone to burning hell. It was I who killed her.

{Enter Zlo, Rilmsio, Tawakalna, Nickless and Sir Spectre.}

Nickless: Sir Spectre, where did you come from?
Tawakalna: Yay, you be not in the Playbill.
Rilmsio: What commotion stirs in this bed chamber?
Jedierrant: My lady lies here murdered by her husband.
Tawakalna: Well, if that doesn't just cheese it!
Nickless: Why didst thou kill an innocent woman?!
Gromitello: She was neither innocent nor a woman. A betrayer of vows and whore she was. Honest Zlo, alerted me so.
Jedierrant: Villainy, villainy. I sense great villainy.
Zlo: Be still your mouth.
Rilmsio: Didst thou say that Desdenuba did betray the general?
Zlo: I did. Based on evidence to the fact, that my lord did know for himself to be true.
Tawakalna: Who was the penguin in trousers with whom she was to have sinned?
Gromitello: Rilmsio, there before you.
Rilmsio: My lord, I never gave thee cause!
Gromitello: Her Chewbacca amulet that I gave her, she did give you and you gave it your scout.
Rilmsio: I knew not that be her amulet.
Jedierrant: My lord, that amulet--
Zlo: Be quiet foul man!!
Jedierrant: I will not be silent! As his significant other, 'tis right I should obey him, but not now.
Nickless: Let the nurse speak.
Jedierrant: That amulet, I found and did give to my significant other, Zlo. He did take it and use it--AHH!
Rilmsio: Catch Zlo, he hath stabbed his significant other!
Jedierrant: She be chaste, my lord. She be chaste ....
Nickless: Caught you are Zlo!
Gromitello: For my own villainy against my innocent wife, to myself a deadly blow!
Tawakalna: General! You're bleeding on your trousers!
Gromitello: Bring him forth ... Zlo, why have you ensnared my body and my soul?
Zlo: Ask nothing of me. But, you know you know.
Gromitello: I do not.
Zlo: Yes you do.
Gromitello: Nay I don't.
Zlo: Indeed you do.
Gromitello: I tell thee, I don't.
Zlo: You should:
Gromitello: But I haven't.
Zlo: Just die already!
Gromitello: Nay, will I not die until you bestow to me your reasons.
Zlo: Very well. My name "Zlo" be from the Slavic tongue and dost mean "evil."
Gromitello: A better purpose to cause my terrible fate, there must be?
Zlo: No, that's it. Oh, I did want Sir Spectre to write another story.
Gromitello: .... My wife I do take in my arms that we may be together for our last moments on this Earth. Sir Spectre, when you speak of this. Do not play it comedy, for these be tragic events indeed. Tell a tale of a man who did love, not wisely, but too much loved a woman, who once be a man, and was driven to foolish jealousy.
Sir Spectre: I will not play it a comedy for as long you shall live.
Gromitello: My strength does leave me. I go with full expectation to account for my sinful deeds to whatever awaits me on the other side.
Sir Spectre: Now that he be dead, a comedy of tragic errors will I write!
Zlo: I cannot stay the time until I can read your new play!!!

CLOSE CURTAINS

Edited by - Sir Spectre on 11-10-2003 09:15:23

sweeet!!
i havent read it yet cause i wanna be the first to congraduate u!

A note to freighter fighter: I STOPPED A MONTH AGO!!
oops!! sorry Fear Factor
"Turn left at fork in road......
In Soviet Russia, road forks you!"

that's v v goood! I'll be laughing about that for days. i'm taking to work 2 morro to read over and over. Wonderful!

I LOVED IT VERY VERY MUCH!!!!
i especially liked the parts where freighter acted like an idiot!

A note to freighter fighter: I STOPPED A MONTH AGO!!
oops!! sorry Fear Factor
"Turn left at fork in road......
In Soviet Russia, road forks you!"

now now don't be like that, it gets u into trouble..

hehe
even humor after the play is happening

A note to freighter fighter: I STOPPED A MONTH AGO!!
oops!! sorry Fear Factor
"Turn left at fork in road......
In Soviet Russia, road forks you!"

ehehehehahahah! If I video'd my face while reading this, it would've been a comedy in itself. This was some of the strangest, yet funniest stuff I have read in awhile and the overtones are so wrong!
I love it!!
~~~
there are some typos caught:
Typo:
Mickless: Is that even legal?

Punctuation:
Rilmsio} Had there ever been such a thing as a Dutch Armada?

Extra comma:
Jedierrant: I know not why, I put up with that bastard.

Possible error?:
Rilmsio: It be that I wish to speak of?

Typo or another contradiction:
I think Desdeniba be a woman

Missing bracket:
{Exit Jedierrant, enter Gromitello.

~~~
Here are my favorite quotes:

...or do I sit on my knave?

Zlo: There be worse ways to lose a reputation.
Rilmsio: How so?
Zlo: To be caught too well knowing a goat.

Gromitello: The Chewbacca!
Killzonio: I, Killzonio, will fillet the very heart Wolfgang removes and batter it in a nice wine sauce!
Gromitello: With a queasy stomach I do now hurl!
Desdenuba: Just screw this light bulb of her life!!
Tawakalna: Well, if that doesn't just cheese it!
Tawakalna: Who was the penguin in trousers with whom she was to have sinned?
Zlo: Be quiet fowl man!!


~~~
When is the paperback coming out? Maybe you should do biweekly installments or something; they are getting to be epic sized.

Kudos!!

---
"Notice ye a strange man of odd temperment racing through here?"
The Taming of the Psycho
Sir Spectrespeare

Sir Spectre's Plays
mostly based on events and people's personalities
only $15 in U.S.!!!

A note to freighter fighter: I STOPPED A MONTH AGO!!
oops!! sorry Fear Factor
"Turn left at fork in road......
In Soviet Russia, road forks you!"

Thanks Imagine, I corrected those mistakes.

---

Rilmsio} Had there ever been such a thing as a Dutch Armada?

---

Actually, this one was really {Aside to Rilmsio}, but the way it looked on the page I saw the confusion and corrected the margin of the text.

---

I think Desdeniba be a woman

---

Spelling fixed, but the meaning is what I intended. I think she be honest (Pro) Yet I think she is not (Con); I think she be a woman (Pro) yet I think she is not (Con)

---

{Exit Jedierrant, enter Gromitello.

---

Yeah, that one was the fault of my putting the square bracket on it instead of the squiggly bracket (whatever you call it). These forums drop an unused right square bracket.

@Everyone else, I'm pleased so far you all like it.


Sir Spectre

.... Time passes too quickly to be enjoyed and too slowly to be endured.

only 3 read it so far
and is it just me or am i posting here alot?

A note to freighter fighter: I STOPPED A MONTH AGO!!
oops!! sorry Fear Factor
"Turn left at fork in road......
In Soviet Russia, road forks you!"

Imagine:

---

When is the paperback coming out? Maybe you should do biweekly installments or something; they are getting to be epic sized.

---

I couldn't stand to do a bi-weekly. I think after I tackle the Starfyre fiasco which will be entitled "Reynet" after Hamlet, I'm quitting the TLR stories. At least for a while.

Wolfy:

---

and is it just me or am i posting here alot?

---

It's true, you are.


Sir Spectre

.... Time passes too quickly to be enjoyed and too slowly to be endured.

Edited by - Sir Spectre on 10-10-2003 04:22:15

Talk about considerably longer.

This is a person gone mad w/ rambling!!!!!!!!!!111

J/K. I just looked at the length of the thread and went 'wow'. Must be good though.