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A Freelancer Parody *COMPLETED 7/9/06!*
Read, add and comment on excellent written stories by fans, set within the Freelancer universe
Wed Sep 07, 2005 3:11 pm
No, but the 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000k posts reffering to arming impertinant weapons do become tedious, foolish, irritating, and somewhat idiotic. Honestly, acclaim, compliments, occasional reminder/queries and critisims are positive and supplementary, but posts that are utterly irelevenat are not.
Thu Sep 08, 2005 3:07 pm
I find it enjoybale due to it's incorporation of legitimate vices, idioices, idiosyncrasies into the text in conjunction with the satirization of pre-existing elements and unbalances, in addition to some random cliches. But saying that you're arming a siege tank from starcraft (great gane, unfortunate that the skirmish AI cheats, otherwise I would invest more of my effort and time into it) against some laser bunker or whatnot is really just extraneous and gratuitous (sp?), and somwhat irrelevant to the concept of parodizing Freelancer, especially due to the fact that the aforementioned armaments have never been incorporated into the plot of the parody, and in numerous instances, have been spontaneoulsly (damn you Msoft word, you have ruined my spelling!) and arbitrarily formulated.
Thu Sep 08, 2005 9:44 pm
Sorry all you readers, I haven't had the next chapter up because I loaned the disk to a friend, whose mom then moved it somewhere. I'll do the next chapter as soon as I get it back. And a few less posts about arming various Starcraft weapons, or I send in my fleet of Protoss Carriers!
Edit: WOOT! I just got the CD back! Expect the next chapter very soon.
Do a barrel roll!
Edited by - Starman Omega on 9/9/2005 12:36:02 PM
Edit: WOOT! I just got the CD back! Expect the next chapter very soon.
Do a barrel roll!
Edited by - Starman Omega on 9/9/2005 12:36:02 PM
Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:29 pm
Sure ill stop the Starcraft stuff, not a problem. I was just defending the interests of the posters like me. The good thing is, it didnt start a flaming match, could of come to a bad one if it went on too long and too sloppy!
Anyway, good stuff Omega!
Edited by - darkfighter on 9/9/2005 5:31:29 PM
Anyway, good stuff Omega!
Edited by - darkfighter on 9/9/2005 5:31:29 PM
 on 9/10/2005 12:53:30 PM)
Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:42 am
(Again, on top of the bomb shelter) Here they come!
Juni: What should we do?
Let them in, so I can carry out my evil plan. By the way, you’ll need these. (Hands out a bunch of earplugs)
Quintaine: What are these for?
You’ll see. Put them on, they’re nearly inside!
Sure enough, the mob was bringing in the huge battering ram from Lord of the Rings. Due to its enormous size, the door was bashed open on the first hit. The mob then began pouring into the bomb shelter.
Everyone got they’re earplugs in?
Trent: Yep.
OK. (Holds out a remote control) 3…2…1…(Hits a button)
Suddenly, the characters heard what sounded like music through their earplugs. They also heard screams and the mob was running back out as fast as it had come in. Strangely, far less people came out then had entered.
Alright, it’s safe now! I think that went well. (Pulls N’Sync, Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears CDs out of the sound system)
Orillion: O_O A fate worse than death!
Mob leader: PULL BACK TO THE FORTRESS!
Huh? What fortr-
Suddenly, everyone could see a very large fortress only a mile off.
Trent: Hey, that’s just like the Station Glorious!
Of course, they used an SEP field!
For those who have not read the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an SEP, or Somebody Else’s Problem field, is a much preferable alternative to cloaking devices. Instead of becoming completely invisible, the object under the field’s influence is simply edited out by the brain, because it is somebody else’s problem. If you look at it directly, you will never see it unless you know exactly what it is you’re looking at. The only hope is to catch it by surprise out of the corner of your eye. The SEP field is used by a number of starships, the Station Glorious, and all PPC agents (Protectors of the Plot Continuum for those of you who don’t know about it, which is probably all of you). But I’m sure you want me to start the story, right? Well, too bad! That’s all you’re going to get now! You’ll just have to wait another month!
Just kidding, stop aiming those nuclear missiles at me.
Chapter 9: Cruisers and Corsairs and Clones, Oh My!
Trent and the others launched from Leeds to head to the Tau systems, but only after Juni had beaten Trent within an inch of his life for stealing her line in the last chapter. Then Trent noticed that something was wrong. Very wrong. It could lead to all of their deaths if he didn’t say something about it.
Trent (who has a black eye and several large egg-shaped bumps on his head): Juni, something’s wrong.
Juni: …
Trent: Still won’t speak to me?
Juni: …
Trent: Fine then. Quintaine, something’s wrong.
Quintaine: Well, why don’t you tell Juni?
Trent: She still won’t speak to me after that “line incident”.
Quintaine: Oh yeah, that. (Shudders) I was nearly killed by that shard of glass! But anyways, what is it? It can’t possibly be that bad. Probably just a bunch of Rheinlanders headed for us, right? Bring ‘em on!
Trent: No, we’re…in a cutscene!
Juni: CRAP!
Sinclair: We’re dead, we’re dead! (Starts hyperventilating)
Quintaine: Lfba’vzjnxklgadsfg save us!
Trent: What the heck is that?
Quintaine: The Nomad god, didn’t you read chapter 6?
Trent: …
Passing BMM Pilot: PIRATES! (If you know what fanfic this is from, I will personally give you $500 Million on the FL server of your choice, plus 20 Nomad Energy Blasters/Cobras/Star Beams/whatever the best weapon is in the mod you’re using, and a free box of cookies. And no, it isn’t an FL fanfic)
Trent: O_o
BMM Pilot: Sorry, I’ve always wanted to say that.
Quintaine: Someone’s decloaking!
Trent: (Staring in horror)
Sinclair: (Passes out)
(The ships finish decloaking, revealing two Valkyries)
Trent: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quntaine: Trent, it’s two Clones.
Trent: AHHHHHHH-Oh right. DIE!
(Trent, Juni, and Quintaine attack and kill one of them)
Clone 2: (Puts on a pair of shades) I’ll be back. (Cloaks)
Juni: Well, let’s take the tradelane to Stokes.
STOKES MINING STATION
Rheinland Agent: I told you I’d be back, now give up the artifact!
Juni: If you want it, come and get it!
(Rheinlanders start flying towards Trent)
Sinclair: (Looking through a stack of papers) OK, where did I put it? (Goes in the back. You can see things being thrown back into the cockpit.) Ah, here it is!
Sinclair pulled out what looked like a very old scroll and started chanting in some strange language. When she finished, a huge wave of purple energy flew in from the side. Trent noticed that there were shapes that looked like Nomad fighters coming out of the front of it, right before it hit the Rheinlanders and destroyed them instantly. Then the scroll immediately caught fire.
Which was unfortunate since it was currently located in Sinclair’s hands.
Trent: Stop, you’ve already sent this fic to an R rating!
Sinclair: &(*&^%$%$(ing piece of &@#$($#@^(*&^ scroll I ought to…
Quintaine: Please stop, do it for me.
Sinclair: (Changes expressions faster than the Happy Mask Man) ^_^ Of course, anything for you, Quinty-poo!
Quintaine: O_o Am I the only sane one here?
Juni: Don’t worry, we’ll soon change that.
Trent: Has ANYONE thought that maybe we should get out of here before more Clones show up?
Juni: Ummm, of course! In fact, I was just about to say that, Trent!
Trent: …
Passing Bowex Pilot: PIRATES!
Trent: What is it with people saying pirates every time I say …?
Quintaine: Wait, how do you even say …?
Juni: I guess that will always remain one of the many, (puts on a dramatic voice) UNSOLVED MYSTERIES OF FANFICTION! *dun dun duunnnnn*
Quintaine: No comment.
Bowex Pilot: No, there really are pirates!
Sinclair: What?
Sure enough, a group of 5 Corsairs were flying by, however they were not attacking, instead they were…singing?
Corsairs: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!
Corsair 2: Avast me hearties, I’m out of grog!
Corsair 1: Here you go, matey! (Drops some, which is beamed up by 2)
(Corsairs start flying off)
Corsair 4: (Singing very badly) Thirteen men on a dead man’s chest, yo ho ho and a bottle of…ummmm…diet Mountain Dew!
Corsair 3: That’s enough to wake the dead! Keep that up and you’ll be keelhauled! And it’s rum, RUM!
Corsair 4: Sorry, I’m still new at this.
Trent: Hey, why aren’t you attacking us?
Corsair 1: Yarrrr, we go to the Tau-31 system to fight those lily-livered land-lubbers, the Outcasts! They will walk the plank when we’re done with them!
(Corsairs fly out of scanner range)
Trent: Ookay, that was random. Let’s just get to Tau-31.
(In the tradelane)
Juni: Hey, has anyone realized that no one asked Sinclair what that was?
Trent: Oh yeah, what was that anyway?
Sinclair: That was a Nomad spell that I dug up on Sprague. I thought it might be useful for getting out of here.
(Meanwhile, a cloaked Sabre is following them)
???: (Writing down what was said) Excellent. (Exits the tradelane and turns around)
Trent: We’re coming up on the jumpgate. Get ready to fight! (Looks at radar) OK, it’s messed up or something. There is not really a cruiser here. Now I’ll just look up and see what it real-AAAAGHHH!! (Starts flying around in circles dodging fire from the Rheinlanders) RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Juni: Hey, doesn’t Tobias show up now?
Trent: Oh yeah, we’re saved!
(5 minutes later)
Trent: (Still dodging fire) Well where is he?
GUNS R’ US
Tobias: For the last time, I do not want to convert to Consolism!
Consolist: Fine then! But the auto-maintenance is coming! You will lose all you have attained! You’ll see! BWAHAHAHA!! (Leaves)
Tobias: That was a bit strange. Now where did I leave the keys to my Hawk?
TAU-31 JUMPGATE
Trent: Great, I’m out of nanobots. We’re screwed.
Sinclair: Hey, someone’s coming!
Corsairs: Yarr, Rheinlanders, give us your booty or you’ll walk the plank!
Rheinland Cruiser: Never. You will be terminated immediately.
Corsair 1: Fire torpedoes, mateys!
Corsair 3: Aye aye, captain!
So the Corsairs attacked and, with help from Trent and Juni (well not really from Juni, since she couldn’t hit it), destroyed the cruiser. Then it was easy to mop up the remaining fighters. The Corsairs then left for the jumphole to Edinburgh, where they would then go to Tau-31, when Tobias finally showed up.
Tobias: Hey Trent, did I miss anything?
Trent: (Shoots a missile at Tobias)
TAU-31
Quintaine: Come on, let’s get in the tradelane.
Trent: No, don’t do it! It’ll be disrupted, or there will be a minefield right at the exit, or something!
Juni: Calm down, Trent, nothing will happen yet.
Trent: You don’t know what these game designers are like! They’re a bunch of sadistic freaks who like torturing us! You can delude yourself with your ignorance, but I’m ready. Just you wait.
Juni: (Turns really freaky looking) I said GET IN THE TRADELANE OR A MILLION BATTLESHIPS WILL BE A CAKEWALK COMPARED TO WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU!
Trent: O_O Yes ma’am.
(Near the end of the lane)
Tobias: We’re coming up on Holman.
Trent: AAHHH! MINE! LOOK OUT!
Sinclair: Trent, that’s an asteroid.
Trent: Well something must happen here! There’s a huge Rheinland fleet cloaked here! Or the station will suddenly turn on us! I’m ready for it though. They won’t take me by surprise.
Tobias: Come on, let’s just dock here and repair.
Trent: NO! IT’S A TRAP!
Juni: You need a vacation, Trent.
ENDE CHAPTERE NINE
Yes! Finally no trouble with the mob!
Tekagi: But what about that fortress?
Ah, that can wait. For now, I can just sit back and relax and-(A Sabre flies in) What’s going on!
???: (Using a microphone to talk) Is this thing on? Oh, right. I am an agent of the PPC. You have been charged with using an illegal Deus ex Machina plot device, namely the Nomad spell scroll. You’re coming with me!
But it’s just a parody!
PPC: Tell it to the judge! (Beams me up and flies off)
Tobias: So much for relaxation.
Do a barrel roll!
Want to get the chapters of A Freelancer Parody before anyone else? Click here for more info.
Edited by - Starman Omega on 10/2/2005 10:22:41 AM
Juni: What should we do?
Let them in, so I can carry out my evil plan. By the way, you’ll need these. (Hands out a bunch of earplugs)
Quintaine: What are these for?
You’ll see. Put them on, they’re nearly inside!
Sure enough, the mob was bringing in the huge battering ram from Lord of the Rings. Due to its enormous size, the door was bashed open on the first hit. The mob then began pouring into the bomb shelter.
Everyone got they’re earplugs in?
Trent: Yep.
OK. (Holds out a remote control) 3…2…1…(Hits a button)
Suddenly, the characters heard what sounded like music through their earplugs. They also heard screams and the mob was running back out as fast as it had come in. Strangely, far less people came out then had entered.
Alright, it’s safe now! I think that went well. (Pulls N’Sync, Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears CDs out of the sound system)
Orillion: O_O A fate worse than death!
Mob leader: PULL BACK TO THE FORTRESS!
Huh? What fortr-
Suddenly, everyone could see a very large fortress only a mile off.
Trent: Hey, that’s just like the Station Glorious!
Of course, they used an SEP field!
For those who have not read the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an SEP, or Somebody Else’s Problem field, is a much preferable alternative to cloaking devices. Instead of becoming completely invisible, the object under the field’s influence is simply edited out by the brain, because it is somebody else’s problem. If you look at it directly, you will never see it unless you know exactly what it is you’re looking at. The only hope is to catch it by surprise out of the corner of your eye. The SEP field is used by a number of starships, the Station Glorious, and all PPC agents (Protectors of the Plot Continuum for those of you who don’t know about it, which is probably all of you). But I’m sure you want me to start the story, right? Well, too bad! That’s all you’re going to get now! You’ll just have to wait another month!
Just kidding, stop aiming those nuclear missiles at me.
Chapter 9: Cruisers and Corsairs and Clones, Oh My!
Trent and the others launched from Leeds to head to the Tau systems, but only after Juni had beaten Trent within an inch of his life for stealing her line in the last chapter. Then Trent noticed that something was wrong. Very wrong. It could lead to all of their deaths if he didn’t say something about it.
Trent (who has a black eye and several large egg-shaped bumps on his head): Juni, something’s wrong.
Juni: …
Trent: Still won’t speak to me?
Juni: …
Trent: Fine then. Quintaine, something’s wrong.
Quintaine: Well, why don’t you tell Juni?
Trent: She still won’t speak to me after that “line incident”.
Quintaine: Oh yeah, that. (Shudders) I was nearly killed by that shard of glass! But anyways, what is it? It can’t possibly be that bad. Probably just a bunch of Rheinlanders headed for us, right? Bring ‘em on!
Trent: No, we’re…in a cutscene!
Juni: CRAP!
Sinclair: We’re dead, we’re dead! (Starts hyperventilating)
Quintaine: Lfba’vzjnxklgadsfg save us!
Trent: What the heck is that?
Quintaine: The Nomad god, didn’t you read chapter 6?
Trent: …
Passing BMM Pilot: PIRATES! (If you know what fanfic this is from, I will personally give you $500 Million on the FL server of your choice, plus 20 Nomad Energy Blasters/Cobras/Star Beams/whatever the best weapon is in the mod you’re using, and a free box of cookies. And no, it isn’t an FL fanfic)
Trent: O_o
BMM Pilot: Sorry, I’ve always wanted to say that.
Quintaine: Someone’s decloaking!
Trent: (Staring in horror)
Sinclair: (Passes out)
(The ships finish decloaking, revealing two Valkyries)
Trent: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quntaine: Trent, it’s two Clones.
Trent: AHHHHHHH-Oh right. DIE!
(Trent, Juni, and Quintaine attack and kill one of them)
Clone 2: (Puts on a pair of shades) I’ll be back. (Cloaks)
Juni: Well, let’s take the tradelane to Stokes.
STOKES MINING STATION
Rheinland Agent: I told you I’d be back, now give up the artifact!
Juni: If you want it, come and get it!
(Rheinlanders start flying towards Trent)
Sinclair: (Looking through a stack of papers) OK, where did I put it? (Goes in the back. You can see things being thrown back into the cockpit.) Ah, here it is!
Sinclair pulled out what looked like a very old scroll and started chanting in some strange language. When she finished, a huge wave of purple energy flew in from the side. Trent noticed that there were shapes that looked like Nomad fighters coming out of the front of it, right before it hit the Rheinlanders and destroyed them instantly. Then the scroll immediately caught fire.
Which was unfortunate since it was currently located in Sinclair’s hands.
Trent: Stop, you’ve already sent this fic to an R rating!
Sinclair: &(*&^%$%$(ing piece of &@#$($#@^(*&^ scroll I ought to…
Quintaine: Please stop, do it for me.
Sinclair: (Changes expressions faster than the Happy Mask Man) ^_^ Of course, anything for you, Quinty-poo!
Quintaine: O_o Am I the only sane one here?
Juni: Don’t worry, we’ll soon change that.
Trent: Has ANYONE thought that maybe we should get out of here before more Clones show up?
Juni: Ummm, of course! In fact, I was just about to say that, Trent!
Trent: …
Passing Bowex Pilot: PIRATES!
Trent: What is it with people saying pirates every time I say …?
Quintaine: Wait, how do you even say …?
Juni: I guess that will always remain one of the many, (puts on a dramatic voice) UNSOLVED MYSTERIES OF FANFICTION! *dun dun duunnnnn*
Quintaine: No comment.
Bowex Pilot: No, there really are pirates!
Sinclair: What?
Sure enough, a group of 5 Corsairs were flying by, however they were not attacking, instead they were…singing?
Corsairs: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!
Corsair 2: Avast me hearties, I’m out of grog!
Corsair 1: Here you go, matey! (Drops some, which is beamed up by 2)
(Corsairs start flying off)
Corsair 4: (Singing very badly) Thirteen men on a dead man’s chest, yo ho ho and a bottle of…ummmm…diet Mountain Dew!
Corsair 3: That’s enough to wake the dead! Keep that up and you’ll be keelhauled! And it’s rum, RUM!
Corsair 4: Sorry, I’m still new at this.
Trent: Hey, why aren’t you attacking us?
Corsair 1: Yarrrr, we go to the Tau-31 system to fight those lily-livered land-lubbers, the Outcasts! They will walk the plank when we’re done with them!
(Corsairs fly out of scanner range)
Trent: Ookay, that was random. Let’s just get to Tau-31.
(In the tradelane)
Juni: Hey, has anyone realized that no one asked Sinclair what that was?
Trent: Oh yeah, what was that anyway?
Sinclair: That was a Nomad spell that I dug up on Sprague. I thought it might be useful for getting out of here.
(Meanwhile, a cloaked Sabre is following them)
???: (Writing down what was said) Excellent. (Exits the tradelane and turns around)
Trent: We’re coming up on the jumpgate. Get ready to fight! (Looks at radar) OK, it’s messed up or something. There is not really a cruiser here. Now I’ll just look up and see what it real-AAAAGHHH!! (Starts flying around in circles dodging fire from the Rheinlanders) RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Juni: Hey, doesn’t Tobias show up now?
Trent: Oh yeah, we’re saved!
(5 minutes later)
Trent: (Still dodging fire) Well where is he?
GUNS R’ US
Tobias: For the last time, I do not want to convert to Consolism!
Consolist: Fine then! But the auto-maintenance is coming! You will lose all you have attained! You’ll see! BWAHAHAHA!! (Leaves)
Tobias: That was a bit strange. Now where did I leave the keys to my Hawk?
TAU-31 JUMPGATE
Trent: Great, I’m out of nanobots. We’re screwed.
Sinclair: Hey, someone’s coming!
Corsairs: Yarr, Rheinlanders, give us your booty or you’ll walk the plank!
Rheinland Cruiser: Never. You will be terminated immediately.
Corsair 1: Fire torpedoes, mateys!
Corsair 3: Aye aye, captain!
So the Corsairs attacked and, with help from Trent and Juni (well not really from Juni, since she couldn’t hit it), destroyed the cruiser. Then it was easy to mop up the remaining fighters. The Corsairs then left for the jumphole to Edinburgh, where they would then go to Tau-31, when Tobias finally showed up.
Tobias: Hey Trent, did I miss anything?
Trent: (Shoots a missile at Tobias)
TAU-31
Quintaine: Come on, let’s get in the tradelane.
Trent: No, don’t do it! It’ll be disrupted, or there will be a minefield right at the exit, or something!
Juni: Calm down, Trent, nothing will happen yet.
Trent: You don’t know what these game designers are like! They’re a bunch of sadistic freaks who like torturing us! You can delude yourself with your ignorance, but I’m ready. Just you wait.
Juni: (Turns really freaky looking) I said GET IN THE TRADELANE OR A MILLION BATTLESHIPS WILL BE A CAKEWALK COMPARED TO WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU!
Trent: O_O Yes ma’am.
(Near the end of the lane)
Tobias: We’re coming up on Holman.
Trent: AAHHH! MINE! LOOK OUT!
Sinclair: Trent, that’s an asteroid.
Trent: Well something must happen here! There’s a huge Rheinland fleet cloaked here! Or the station will suddenly turn on us! I’m ready for it though. They won’t take me by surprise.
Tobias: Come on, let’s just dock here and repair.
Trent: NO! IT’S A TRAP!
Juni: You need a vacation, Trent.
ENDE CHAPTERE NINE
Yes! Finally no trouble with the mob!
Tekagi: But what about that fortress?
Ah, that can wait. For now, I can just sit back and relax and-(A Sabre flies in) What’s going on!
???: (Using a microphone to talk) Is this thing on? Oh, right. I am an agent of the PPC. You have been charged with using an illegal Deus ex Machina plot device, namely the Nomad spell scroll. You’re coming with me!
But it’s just a parody!
PPC: Tell it to the judge! (Beams me up and flies off)
Tobias: So much for relaxation.
Do a barrel roll!
Want to get the chapters of A Freelancer Parody before anyone else? Click here for more info.
Edited by - Starman Omega on 10/2/2005 10:22:41 AM
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