Funny, to be sure, but I don't think that the tables will turn on the tech support folk until they start speaking the correct language for their callers. Maybe if we all learn Swahili and call them up, it'll give them a clue.

If the Llama were here, he would point out (quite rightly) that the sort of people that IT "techos" have to deal with on a regular basis are rarely the easiest people to assist. You know, the sort of people that cause catostrophic failures "by accident" and then don't admit to it. Eg. deleting the "system 32" directory because it is "taking up to much space", and pouring milk on laptop keyboards which are then reported to have "just stopped working for some reason". In summary, blame the IT-types by all means, but also blame the non technologically-inclined user because, quite often, it is not the hardware or software that is the problem, it is the USER .

Which is the very reason that I tend to avoid the technophobic. The sheer amount of strees given off by these people in trying to explain simple things (Like how to change font, no i am not kidding ) is enough to drive a normal man insane.

However, i do believe that most (if not all) tech support channels should have a 'professional' option (Just ask them an automated question and redirect them as necessary). EVERY tech support person i have talked to simply walks through some of the most mundane steps trying to determine the problem, even when i tell them EXACTLY what the problem is, and steps taken to fix it (Irritatingly, they tell me to repeat those steps again, even if ive done them about four times).

I know its not the techies fault (Then again, it COULD be, considering that most of the responses seem to be read from a script. TRAIN YOUR TECH SUPPORT PEOPLE! ITS SUPPOSED TO BE TECHNICAL ), but rather most of the user's fault, but this doesnt completely excuse the tech support.

Then again, we could just balme the manufacturers for not making the machines and software ready to work out of the box, comepltely fool and idiot proofed, and self-repairing. But that wont happen so long as the companies want profit instead of quality.

Natrually, Esky, I didn't mean that as a blanket statement. However, after an hour of holding, the best advice most 'supporters' give is "Have you tried restarting it yet?"

If you remember the last time I came in here saying that my computer crashed (January 19th) then I'm impressed. Even though I actually managed to get the HP recovery drives to work and they saved my computer, I still ended up calling HP tech support first. And I advise you to NEVER call HP's customer support. To save money, they branch out their CS to India, and those guys on the other end of the line never know what you're talking about and barely speak English.

Techie: You tried restarting?
Me: For the tenth time YES!
Techie: And you're using Vindows XP?
Me: For the eleventh time YES!
Techie: You use XP system restore?
Me: How many times am I going to have to tell you I've done something before you stop asking me the same question over and over again?
Techie: Please make sure you're using Vindows XP and try restarting your computer. Have a nice day.

Dawgy - I know, believe me. Even the technical types have to through other technical types when they are using a remote service (eg. an ISP) .

sorry to drag this one up (buit I've only just read it for the first time - sorry, Wolfers!

as a support technician of many years standing, I've seen the gradual dumbing down of support to quite possibly its lowest level ever, with people who can barely speak english and have little or no computer knowledge being given set scripts that cover only the most basic and most common issues, trying to deal with irate and frustrated customers who have an equally limited awareness of computer issues but have been given over-optimistic expectations as to the service level they can expect.

I don't do Level 1 support anymore, it's just too dire. I only do Tier 2 or 3, because by the time it gets that far you know it's a real problem and not just folks forgetting to put the plug in or talking to the mouse. Unfortunately i also know how frustrating it is when the customer does have some knowledge and awareness and ahas to put up with an unskilled twonkawallah reading from a script. Recently Mrs Taw signed us up for Sky Broadband, much against my better judgement - I had told her that we should go with Zen or Nildram or Clara. I was pleasantly surprised to find that Sky supplied us with a Netgear DG834GT rather than some stupid box of lights, and not at all pleased to find that they'd got their own firmware on it. Unsurprisingly, we suffered random disconnects for nearly a week with me and the wife making long painful calls to Sky "techncial support" (what a joke!) until i got so fed up i flashed it back to a Netgear, diabled uPNP, diasbaled ping-on-WAN and limited the IP address range to a more manageable number than the 254 default (like 10) Odlly enough it's worked fine ever since!

but how many other poor folks would know to do that? theyd just sit on the phone at 50p per min to Sky only to be given a load of old codswallop by some flunky in India.

and here's the nub of the issue - everyone wants stuff cheap, yet expects top-of-the-line service. Forget it. Service costs - if you get a bargain pc or dsl connection, whatever, then expect to get very little in the way of service. All the best and most expensive stuff comes with decent service because the margin is there to provide it. However customers are led to beleive and foolishly expect, due to their own ignorance, that a technical support line from a cut-price dsl reseller is going to solve all their pc problems, and will whine and complain and cause problems and tell your manager that you've got attitude because you won't send an engineer out to fix their virus ridden pc thats full of porn their husband or teenage son has downloaded.

My own sister-in-law who recently ahd cable b/band installed rang me up and wanted to know why the cable guys hadn't set up her pc or configured her e-mail or run cables round her house, and how could she complain? I told her she couldn't, their responsibilty ends at point-of-entry and after that it's down to her. As you might expect, a hard-working Mullah ended up going over and doing it.

Again, it's false expectations at work; if you ring up a D-Hell support line in india, do you really think they'll be able to help you? all they can do is say " please be inserting your Dell recovery CD" because that's all they're told or trained to do. There are probably about 3 Tier 3s covering about 500,000 customers so what chance do you think you've got of speaking to someone with any sense?

You know, if you could create a room, say 12x12, add ten computer geeks, all knowkledgeable in computers, a handfull of programs, and networking experiance, charge $5 per call, you could make a killing. Problems could be fixed (well most of them) and people would be happy once again.

Here in the good olde US of A, Best Buy and a few others have thier own version of that they call the Geek Squad that will come to you for the min price of $149, fix almost anything wrong with your computer (Parts Excepted) and have you running quickly. My mom used thier service and loved it.

Edited by - Finalday on 10/31/2006 5:22:20 AM

you'll excuse me but i might take a little bit of exception to my 16 years experience of IT infrastructure being referred to by the great unwashed as "geekism" - experienced and valued professional would be better! <fume>

Well just to reassure you Taw, "geeks" and "techies" are not alone. I recently got the face chewed of me (metaphoricaly speaking) by a daft old woman with a blue rinse who's car broke down only after 3 weeks of ownership.

I asked all of the relevant questions just as tech support would and all came up dead ends. She was just driving along and it stopped. Not that it would not start in the morn, not that it stalled at the lights. Just stopped. Dead!

All of which was attained between the deluge of verbal abuse eminating from the daft old bat.

We sent a truck out to collect. Got it in workshop and checked for the obvious.

"Sorry Miss (who I should kick severally for the bollocking you just gave me) but your car has ran out of petrol"

That is impossible you twit

"Terribly sorry again but it is not only possible but that is what actaully happened. We will not charge for the tow truck or the fuel we used to start it but that is what happened."

Well then I want to complain to the distributors of this brand.

"And what is your complaint Miss? Your car ran out of petrol"(Yes I did keep saying "your car ran out of petrol"

Well the car I traded in could go from my house to work and back on a red light 3 times and this one only did it twice. It is faulty!

>>>Insert your own response if you will.

Believe it or not there are many who do not know that cars are run on fuel.

Once I pulled into a gas station and seen a car with the front end pointed at the side of the pump. I walked up to the lady and ask here to pull in like normal so I could get in on the other side as the pumps were busy this day. She told me she could not find a place to open the hood, I ask if she was low on oil, she said no but she needed to fill the engine back up with gas.

I did help her and explained that the gas goes into the tank which was back on the left side of her car. Oh and yes she was blonde LOL!

"It doesn’t matter what universe you’re from. That’s got to hurt!"

Yup, tis true. Years ago when I was only starting out in the motor trade I charged someone to put fresh air in their tyres. I was polite and served with a smile. What more would you want eh?

oh I know there's no limit to peoples' stupidity. One of my all-time favourites is this:-

moron: none of the computeres you sold me are working
me: sorry to hear that, but you say none of them?
moron: yes that's rigth, none. I want an engineer out striaght away!
me: well we need to determine what exactly the problem is first, "sir"
moron: the problem is theyre not working and if you don't send an engineer out right away I'll make a complaint/close the account/have your job etc etc etc
me: i can't send an engineer out until I've determined what the problem is and your contracts ates 24hr RESPONSE so you won't get anyone until tomorrow 9AM. but if you would just co-operate we may well get to the bottom of the problem over the telephone in a few minutes
moron: <strangling noises>
me: ok, what do you see on the screens?
moron: nothing
me: on the server?
moron: where's that?
me: <checks on database> it's in your dispensary, a tall computer with S on the front
moron: oh i can't go in there!
me: whyever not?
moron: it's in the dark

<pause>

me: you wouldn't be having a powercut by any chance, would you?
moron: yes, lightning hit the substation and the whole village is off
me: well that could possibly explain why the computers are off, might it not?

<pause>

moron: oh. OH! they run off the mains, do they?
me: <yes>
moron: oh erm ok erm well then, we'll erm say no more about it then shall we?
me: what about your complaint? "sir"
moron: <muffled click>
me: bye YOU IGNORANT CRETIN!

this one was quite good also:_

idiot: the computer you sold me isnt working
me: is it turned on?
idiot: no
me: try booting it
idiot: <thunk!>
me: what was that?
idiot: me booting the computer
me: well that didnt sound like a computer restarting?
idiot: well i knew kicking it wouldn't work
me: <despairs> no that's not what i meant by booting the computer!
idiot: oh. oh I see, do I have to wear boots then? I'm only wearing ordinary shoes
me: <banging head on table> yes. go home and change into some boots, big size 9s, that should do jicely. have a nice day.

or this one...

cretin: this computer you sold us isnt working
me: how exactly do you mean? can you be a little more specific?
cretin: I can't get the numbers in
me: elaborate please
cretin: i cant make the numbers go in
me: what numbers?
cretin: the numbers on the screen

(another 5 minutes of this ensue until i painfully extract from her that she can't activate individual fields on the db form she's in. numlock light is lit, althought that took another 5 mins to establish, and TAB is working)

me: can you click into one of the white boxes with the mouse please?
cretin: the what?
me: the mouse
cretin: what's that?
me: it's a round thing with 2 buttons and a little wheel on with a long wire coming out of it, it's on your desk.
cretin: I can't see anything like that
me: it must be there, all computers use a mouse or something like it.
cretin: what's it look like?
me: <sigh> like I said, a oval shaped grey thing with a wheel and two buttons and a ball underneath and a wire coming out of it attaching to the computer. you use it to click on the screen?
cretin: oh i dont know what that is. are you sure you don't mean the pedal?
me: what pedal?
cretin: the pedal that makes it go
me: what? what pedal are you talking about? computers don't have pedals!
cretin: yes they do, i'm using it now!
me: does it have "Genius" in grey on the top by any chance?
cretin: yes it does! i don't think it's working though, the computer's very slow at the moment no matter how hard i stand on it.
me: <pained noises> it's not a pedal. pick it up please and put it on the table. then hold it flat and move it around.
cretin: why what will that do?
mwe: just do it for me please and you'll see
cretin: oh! oh! I've got a little arrow moving around on the screen! is it supposed to do that?
me: yes. tell me, have you ever used a computer before?
cretin: oh no, i just come in on Mondays and do the labels but the girl who turns the computer on isn't in today.
me: please go and find someone who knows how to use a computer and get them to tell you how to use a mouse. there's nothing wrong with your computer, you just don't know how to use it. I'm going to go and deal with some real problems now. Bye.

those of you who've been around here a while will know that i have hundreds of these, and time hasn't made the job any easier. I still deal with utter stupidity every single day, usually from fairly intelligent people who think that just whining and complaining and threatening will make problems go away when in fact it's their own ignorance (and arrogance)

"There is a warning buzzer sound coming from my car and I am afraid that it is unsafe to drive"

Okay lets eliminate the things which may not be a problem but may cause a buzzer. Is you door open and key in ignition or is your door open and driving lights turned on?

"No, all doors closed, no lights on."

Right, does it only happen when driving or also when stopped?

"Only when driving!"

Are you wearing your seat belt?

"Of course!"

Is there anything on the passenger seat?

"No, no passangers."

Anything on the passenger seat? Anything heavy enough to trip the weight sensor?

"No! Nothing!"

Nothing at all

"Nothing for god's sake how many times do I have to tell you?"

Okay, can you give me the chassis number or registration of the vehicle so I can send out a truck for you?

"One sec, the details are in my breif-case beside me."

And where are you again sir?

"In the car of course you fool"

In the driver's seat?

"What kind of moron are you, of course the driver's seat!!!"

So the brief-case beside you would be on the passenger seat then?

"...."