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A Freelancer Parody *COMPLETED 7/9/06!*
Read, add and comment on excellent written stories by fans, set within the Freelancer universe
Sat Mar 12, 2005 2:29 pm
Chapter 4: Of Birdmen, Attorney-Generals, and Ludicrous Speed
Trent was walking out to his new Patriot on the docking bay. And as you all know, the Patriot totally pwnz0rz the Starflier (or is much better for those of you who don’t speak 1337) in every way possible. But anyway, he was walking out to the Patriot when he ran into Lonnigan.
Trent: Lonnigan? Are you sure you should be out of medical yet?
Lonnigan: We’re not safe here! They want us all dead!
Trent: Guess not.
Lonnigan: No, because I escaped from medical. We’ve got to get out of Liberty now!
Trent: Who do you think are after us?
Lonnigan: The Bir-I mean government men. I know who destroyed Freeport 7. There were these ships that weren’t there, and they were piloted by flying men! The Birdmen are coming! They’ll take over the world and stab us all to death with sporks! THE BIRDMEN ARE COMING!
Trent: O_o
Lonnigan then started to run around in circles with his hands up in the air shouting “THE BIRDMEN ARE COMING!”, until Trent walked up and whipped him on the head with his pistol. Lonnigan then immediately stopped.
Lonnigan: Sorry, I was going a bit insane there. But I’m serious, get out of Liberty while you still can.
Policeman 1: Where do you think you’re going?
The policeman then started shooting at Lonnigan, but he dodged the bullets Matrix-style. The policeman was finally able to hit him when he pointed up into the sky and shouted, “BIRDMEN!” Lonnigan turned around to look for them and was immediately hit. Then the other policeman zapped Trent with a stun baton.
Juni: Trent…HEY, WAKE UP! (Slaps him very hard)
Trent: X_X
Juni: D’OH!
Trent: (Wakes up)
King: What happened?
Trent: I ran into this guy called Lonnigan, who I was about to sign a deal with on Freeport 7 when the station was attacked. He said that someone was after him, and he escaped from medical. I was sure he was insane the whole time when these two guys showed up and shot him. Now I know he was only insane about half the time.
King: Well, we need to start the mission now, so let’s launch to space.
COLORADO JUMPGATE
Trent and King got past the Battleship Unity, and flew into the jumpgate.
Trent: Ooh…pretty colors…
NEW YORK JUMPGATE, COLORADO SYSTEM
Juni: Ashcroft is in the Kepler system now, and I think he’s coming straight at you.
King: Trent, we have to scan all passing ships.
Trent: @_@
King: Trent?
Trent: @_@
King: Wake up!
Trent: What?
King: I think the wormhole hypnotized you.
Trent: No way! That sort of stuff doesn’t work on me!
King: …
Trent: Anyway, what did you say again?
King: Juni just said Ashcroft is in Kepler and heading straight at us, so we have to scan all passing ships.
Trent: Why should we scan them if he’s in a different system?
King: Because his cronies could be coming through before him. Or he could have switched ships with someone else.
Trent: I see. (Looks at radar) Hey, this guy’s name is DSE-Unknown, and he’s on the Important Contacts list, so he must be critical to the mission!
King: This is Liberty Police Gamma-6 to unknown ship; I’m scanning your cargo for contraband.
Unknown ship: OMG 4th AMENDMENT VIOLATION! (Opens fire)
King and Trent then fired back and tried to disable his engines. Not that you can disable someone’s engines in Freelancer, but it never hurts to try. Finally, they heavily damaged him and he stopped firing.
King: Sean Ashcroft, you are under arrest!
Unknown: I’m not Sean Ashcroft, you idiot! I’m John Ashcroft, the attorney-general! So stop shooting me or I’ll sic the CIA on you!
King: NOT THE CIA! (Immediately flies away)
Juni: Trent, Sean Ashcroft’s cronies just broke through the defenses at Pueblo. Get there right away.
PUEBLO STATION
Trent and King came out of the tradelane and saw Rogues flying everywhere; also Pueblo Station was on fire. They easily destroyed the Rogues and headed into the Silverton Field to find Ashcroft.
Trent: How could those Rogues have broken through the defenses? They were almost as bad as the ones we saw before!
King: Apparently, the defenders were all in Starfliers.
Trent: Ouch, that must have hurt.
King: Hey, Ashcroft’s right there!
Trent: Why does he have no one with him?
Ashcroft: Those stupid pilots all flew into asteroids.
Trent and King had remembered what happened in the last mission, the idea of these supposedly feared and deadly pirates all flying into asteroids causing them to laugh so hard that they didn’t even notice Ashcroft cruising away.
King: OH NOES! He’s getting away! Firing cruise disruptor. CRAP! IT MISSED!
Trent: King, you don't even have a CD on your ship.
King: Mental note: Hunt down whatever idiot said they put one on it and spork ‘em to death.
Trent: King, he’s flying through a jumphole.
King: Well, get in after him!
Unfortunately for Ashcroft, the jumphole was destabilizing, which he didn’t notice until he was flying through and the wormhole was plaid. He was then launched at Ludicrous Speed through Galileo and into Honshu, where he came to a stop slightly less than 5 inches away from the minefield around Kansai Research Station. However, King and Trent had followed him through, and this time Trent wasn’t hypnotized by the wormhole. Ashcroft was lucky enough to eject just before King came from behind and rammed his ship into the minefield, destroying it. Trent then beamed up Ashcroft’s escape pod, and he and King made their way to the New Tokyo Jumpgate.
King: I know a way to speed this up.
King then shot a certain part of the jumpgate, which caused it to malfunction and, again, form a plaid wormhole. It shot them into New York at Ludicrous Speed. Luckily, they happened to fly through Galileo instead of hitting the dark matter cloud, because firing a ship into a dark matter cloud at Ludicrous Speed has the same effect as slingshotting an egg into a brick wall. They came to a stop right next to the Battleship Missouri.
Juni: Change of plans. You are to proceed to the Battleship Missouri near Zone-21.
Trent: We’re right next to it.
Juni: Well, in that case, just dock with it.
BATTLESHIP MISSOURI
Trent: Why do you have all these armed men with you? He’s unconscious in my cargo hold.
Ashcroft: (Wakes up) YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! (Runs toward the airlock, but is shot with a taser and falls to the ground)
Juni: That’s why. Ashcroft is a tough man, but I’m sure we can get him to talk.
As Trent walked out to the docking bay, he thought he heard screams coming from a room. He listened at the door, and it turned out to be Ashcroft being tortured.
Ashcroft: AHHHHH! OK, I’LL TELL YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT! JUST GET THAT TEDDY BEAR AWAY FROM ME!
Edited by - Starman Omega on 3/12/2005 10:45:05 PM
Trent was walking out to his new Patriot on the docking bay. And as you all know, the Patriot totally pwnz0rz the Starflier (or is much better for those of you who don’t speak 1337) in every way possible. But anyway, he was walking out to the Patriot when he ran into Lonnigan.
Trent: Lonnigan? Are you sure you should be out of medical yet?
Lonnigan: We’re not safe here! They want us all dead!
Trent: Guess not.
Lonnigan: No, because I escaped from medical. We’ve got to get out of Liberty now!
Trent: Who do you think are after us?
Lonnigan: The Bir-I mean government men. I know who destroyed Freeport 7. There were these ships that weren’t there, and they were piloted by flying men! The Birdmen are coming! They’ll take over the world and stab us all to death with sporks! THE BIRDMEN ARE COMING!
Trent: O_o
Lonnigan then started to run around in circles with his hands up in the air shouting “THE BIRDMEN ARE COMING!”, until Trent walked up and whipped him on the head with his pistol. Lonnigan then immediately stopped.
Lonnigan: Sorry, I was going a bit insane there. But I’m serious, get out of Liberty while you still can.
Policeman 1: Where do you think you’re going?
The policeman then started shooting at Lonnigan, but he dodged the bullets Matrix-style. The policeman was finally able to hit him when he pointed up into the sky and shouted, “BIRDMEN!” Lonnigan turned around to look for them and was immediately hit. Then the other policeman zapped Trent with a stun baton.
Juni: Trent…HEY, WAKE UP! (Slaps him very hard)
Trent: X_X
Juni: D’OH!
Trent: (Wakes up)
King: What happened?
Trent: I ran into this guy called Lonnigan, who I was about to sign a deal with on Freeport 7 when the station was attacked. He said that someone was after him, and he escaped from medical. I was sure he was insane the whole time when these two guys showed up and shot him. Now I know he was only insane about half the time.
King: Well, we need to start the mission now, so let’s launch to space.
COLORADO JUMPGATE
Trent and King got past the Battleship Unity, and flew into the jumpgate.
Trent: Ooh…pretty colors…
NEW YORK JUMPGATE, COLORADO SYSTEM
Juni: Ashcroft is in the Kepler system now, and I think he’s coming straight at you.
King: Trent, we have to scan all passing ships.
Trent: @_@
King: Trent?
Trent: @_@
King: Wake up!
Trent: What?
King: I think the wormhole hypnotized you.
Trent: No way! That sort of stuff doesn’t work on me!
King: …
Trent: Anyway, what did you say again?
King: Juni just said Ashcroft is in Kepler and heading straight at us, so we have to scan all passing ships.
Trent: Why should we scan them if he’s in a different system?
King: Because his cronies could be coming through before him. Or he could have switched ships with someone else.
Trent: I see. (Looks at radar) Hey, this guy’s name is DSE-Unknown, and he’s on the Important Contacts list, so he must be critical to the mission!
King: This is Liberty Police Gamma-6 to unknown ship; I’m scanning your cargo for contraband.
Unknown ship: OMG 4th AMENDMENT VIOLATION! (Opens fire)
King and Trent then fired back and tried to disable his engines. Not that you can disable someone’s engines in Freelancer, but it never hurts to try. Finally, they heavily damaged him and he stopped firing.
King: Sean Ashcroft, you are under arrest!
Unknown: I’m not Sean Ashcroft, you idiot! I’m John Ashcroft, the attorney-general! So stop shooting me or I’ll sic the CIA on you!
King: NOT THE CIA! (Immediately flies away)
Juni: Trent, Sean Ashcroft’s cronies just broke through the defenses at Pueblo. Get there right away.
PUEBLO STATION
Trent and King came out of the tradelane and saw Rogues flying everywhere; also Pueblo Station was on fire. They easily destroyed the Rogues and headed into the Silverton Field to find Ashcroft.
Trent: How could those Rogues have broken through the defenses? They were almost as bad as the ones we saw before!
King: Apparently, the defenders were all in Starfliers.
Trent: Ouch, that must have hurt.
King: Hey, Ashcroft’s right there!
Trent: Why does he have no one with him?
Ashcroft: Those stupid pilots all flew into asteroids.
Trent and King had remembered what happened in the last mission, the idea of these supposedly feared and deadly pirates all flying into asteroids causing them to laugh so hard that they didn’t even notice Ashcroft cruising away.
King: OH NOES! He’s getting away! Firing cruise disruptor. CRAP! IT MISSED!
Trent: King, you don't even have a CD on your ship.
King: Mental note: Hunt down whatever idiot said they put one on it and spork ‘em to death.
Trent: King, he’s flying through a jumphole.
King: Well, get in after him!
Unfortunately for Ashcroft, the jumphole was destabilizing, which he didn’t notice until he was flying through and the wormhole was plaid. He was then launched at Ludicrous Speed through Galileo and into Honshu, where he came to a stop slightly less than 5 inches away from the minefield around Kansai Research Station. However, King and Trent had followed him through, and this time Trent wasn’t hypnotized by the wormhole. Ashcroft was lucky enough to eject just before King came from behind and rammed his ship into the minefield, destroying it. Trent then beamed up Ashcroft’s escape pod, and he and King made their way to the New Tokyo Jumpgate.
King: I know a way to speed this up.
King then shot a certain part of the jumpgate, which caused it to malfunction and, again, form a plaid wormhole. It shot them into New York at Ludicrous Speed. Luckily, they happened to fly through Galileo instead of hitting the dark matter cloud, because firing a ship into a dark matter cloud at Ludicrous Speed has the same effect as slingshotting an egg into a brick wall. They came to a stop right next to the Battleship Missouri.
Juni: Change of plans. You are to proceed to the Battleship Missouri near Zone-21.
Trent: We’re right next to it.
Juni: Well, in that case, just dock with it.
BATTLESHIP MISSOURI
Trent: Why do you have all these armed men with you? He’s unconscious in my cargo hold.
Ashcroft: (Wakes up) YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! (Runs toward the airlock, but is shot with a taser and falls to the ground)
Juni: That’s why. Ashcroft is a tough man, but I’m sure we can get him to talk.
As Trent walked out to the docking bay, he thought he heard screams coming from a room. He listened at the door, and it turned out to be Ashcroft being tortured.
Ashcroft: AHHHHH! OK, I’LL TELL YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT! JUST GET THAT TEDDY BEAR AWAY FROM ME!
Edited by - Starman Omega on 3/12/2005 10:45:05 PM
Sat Mar 12, 2005 7:35 pm
Perhaps you should edit the cruise disruptor scene. Anyone who has scanned King's ship knows that the real reason the CD missed is that there wasn't ever one mounted on the ship in the first place. 
Some high speed pursuit that is... Anyway good work with these, very entertaining.
Some high speed pursuit that is... Anyway good work with these, very entertaining.
Sun Apr 03, 2005 11:30 am
(Looks out window)
(An angry mob is standing outside my house with pitchforks, torches, and nuclear missiles)
Mob: KILL! MAIM! DESTROY!
Ahhhhh! Here's Chapter 5! Just take it and go away!
Mob: Yay!
Chapter 5: Of Magical Author Powers and Arnold Schwarzenegger Clones
This chapter started out much like the last one did. Trent had just landed his new Defender (which, again, pwnz0rz/is much better than the Patriot) when Lonnigan stepped out of the shadows and pointed a gun at him.
Trent: OK, I’ll call off the debt, just don’t shoot me!
Lonnigan: Actually, I was just going to tell you that the Bir-Whoops, I mean government men, are after us and to get out of Liberty while you still can, but that’s not a bad idea.
Trent: D’OH!
MANHATTAN BAR
Trent walked up to the bartender and asked him where Juni was.
Bartender: Oh, Juni just told me to tell you to meet her on California Minor.
Trent: C’OH!
Bartender: C’oh?
Trent: Well, I just said d’oh a few lines ago, so I had to use something different!
Bartender: …
CALIFORNIA SYSTEM
Rowlett: Trent, we need to talk. The Liberty police are after me because of what I saw on Freeport 7! We need to get out of Liberty now!
Of course, the second he said that, three Navy ships came out of the tradelane. Even worse, they were cheating and using class 5 weapons.
Navy pilot: Fire missiles!
Of course, you know from the game that they fire 9 Moonstalker Missiles each very quickly, which is total overkill by the way, and blow up Rowlett’s ship. However, their missiles jammed from trying to fire so fast and they blew up. However, they had still each fired 3 missiles, which is more than enough to destroy a Rhino. Trent was then able to salvage a Rowlett’s Revenge turret from the wreckage.
Trent: OMG a good laser weapon! THE END IS NEAR!
CALIFORNIA MINOR
Trent walked in to the bar to find Juni. When he looked out the window, he saw a Dromedary flying by. He guessed that the pilot was an Outcast and a little high on Cardamine, due to the ship’s very erratic flight pattern and how the pilot was screaming something about saving the turkey. Then a news report came on the TV.
TV: The Liberty Police just dealt a major blow to the Order by killing its leader, Orillion. His real name was actually…
Trent: Lonnigan?!
Juni: How did you know?
Trent: He was a trader that I met on Freeport 7. He was too insane to be a terrorist, let alone lead them. They must’ve got the wrong guy.
Juni: Well, whoever he is, he’s dead now.
Trent: What’s the mission we’re doing, anyway?
Juni: We got Ashcroft to talk, which was pretty easy since he had a mortal fear of teddy bears. He told us all kinds of stuff about the artifact smuggling routes, and that there’s a traitor in the Navy. We captured a lot of artifacts, and we need to escort a convoy carrying them to Research Station Willard. Also, if there is a traitor, this will lure him out. Meet me in space above the planet.
IN SPACE
Juni: We’ll take the tradelane to San Diego Border Station. You first, Trent.
Trent: Why me?
Juni: (Turns all freaky looking) I said YOU FIRST!!
Trent: O_O Yes ma’am.
Juni: Thank you.
Trent: How did you learn to be so scary, anyway?
Juni: I’ve been taking lessons from Tekagi.
Trent: I see.
Now, I’m just going to skip to when the convoy reaches the third buoy, since the part in between is pretty boring.
Transport: Alert! There’s something up ahead!
Juni: What is it?
Transport: A mine!
Juni: Crap.
The transport hit the mine, and for some unknown reason, dropped out of cruise speed. The amount of Outcasts waiting for them would be somewhere in between a fleet and an armada. Even worse, they were all in Sabres with class 10 guns.
HEY! You can’t use Sabres in mission 3!
Outcast 1: Why not?
Because the mission will be impossible then!
Outcast 2: So? I don’t care about what you think.
Oh, really?
Suddenly, the Outcast’s Sabres magically changed to Starfliers. The Outcasts then immediately surrendered, since the worst thing a Starflier can do to a transport is scratch the paint job.
Trent: How did you do that?
Mysterious author powers. Never write a fanfic without ‘em!
Trent: (Looks hopeful) Could you use those powers to give me a battleship or a million credits, then?
No, but I could put you back in your old Starflier.
Trent: You’re evil!
I know. Isn’t it great?
Trent: -_-
Transport: C’mon. We need to get to Willard before more of them show up.
WILLARD RESEARCH STATION
Trent: Hey, they sell class 6 guns here!
Juni: It doesn’t matter though, because you can’t put them on your ship.
Trent: Then could you tell me how you and the other NPCs cheat so I can?
Juni: No.
Trent: >_<
Trent and Juni then flew to California Minor and destroyed Arnold Schwarzenegger Clones 432, 518, and 3267, who, luckily, were in Valkyries with crapified Stealthblade Mk.I’s (and they're pretty crappy normally) and class 2 shields. The fight at Willard Research Station happened just as you know it did, and I would cover it in more detail except that I want to keep the chapters about the same length. There were some pretty strange events though, like when the cruisers and battleship destroyed the gunboats immediately after Walker called for help because they were too fast to hit and the Rheinland bombers (a.k.a. fighters with torpedoes) somehow mananged to torp each other, not to mention all the Rheinlanders sounded like the Terminator. Trent then used his payment to buy some Magma Hammer Mk.I’s for his Defender. He then flew back to Manhattan, where he would do some missions. When he was walking in to the bar, there was a cutscene showing the guy with the artifact, which would’ve been in the last chapter but I forgot to put it there.
Guy with artifact: My precioussssss…
Do a barrel roll!
Edited by - Starman Omega on 4/10/2005 1:39:51 PM
(An angry mob is standing outside my house with pitchforks, torches, and nuclear missiles)
Mob: KILL! MAIM! DESTROY!
Ahhhhh! Here's Chapter 5! Just take it and go away!
Mob: Yay!
Chapter 5: Of Magical Author Powers and Arnold Schwarzenegger Clones
This chapter started out much like the last one did. Trent had just landed his new Defender (which, again, pwnz0rz/is much better than the Patriot) when Lonnigan stepped out of the shadows and pointed a gun at him.
Trent: OK, I’ll call off the debt, just don’t shoot me!
Lonnigan: Actually, I was just going to tell you that the Bir-Whoops, I mean government men, are after us and to get out of Liberty while you still can, but that’s not a bad idea.
Trent: D’OH!
MANHATTAN BAR
Trent walked up to the bartender and asked him where Juni was.
Bartender: Oh, Juni just told me to tell you to meet her on California Minor.
Trent: C’OH!
Bartender: C’oh?
Trent: Well, I just said d’oh a few lines ago, so I had to use something different!
Bartender: …
CALIFORNIA SYSTEM
Rowlett: Trent, we need to talk. The Liberty police are after me because of what I saw on Freeport 7! We need to get out of Liberty now!
Of course, the second he said that, three Navy ships came out of the tradelane. Even worse, they were cheating and using class 5 weapons.
Navy pilot: Fire missiles!
Of course, you know from the game that they fire 9 Moonstalker Missiles each very quickly, which is total overkill by the way, and blow up Rowlett’s ship. However, their missiles jammed from trying to fire so fast and they blew up. However, they had still each fired 3 missiles, which is more than enough to destroy a Rhino. Trent was then able to salvage a Rowlett’s Revenge turret from the wreckage.
Trent: OMG a good laser weapon! THE END IS NEAR!
CALIFORNIA MINOR
Trent walked in to the bar to find Juni. When he looked out the window, he saw a Dromedary flying by. He guessed that the pilot was an Outcast and a little high on Cardamine, due to the ship’s very erratic flight pattern and how the pilot was screaming something about saving the turkey. Then a news report came on the TV.
TV: The Liberty Police just dealt a major blow to the Order by killing its leader, Orillion. His real name was actually…
Trent: Lonnigan?!
Juni: How did you know?
Trent: He was a trader that I met on Freeport 7. He was too insane to be a terrorist, let alone lead them. They must’ve got the wrong guy.
Juni: Well, whoever he is, he’s dead now.
Trent: What’s the mission we’re doing, anyway?
Juni: We got Ashcroft to talk, which was pretty easy since he had a mortal fear of teddy bears. He told us all kinds of stuff about the artifact smuggling routes, and that there’s a traitor in the Navy. We captured a lot of artifacts, and we need to escort a convoy carrying them to Research Station Willard. Also, if there is a traitor, this will lure him out. Meet me in space above the planet.
IN SPACE
Juni: We’ll take the tradelane to San Diego Border Station. You first, Trent.
Trent: Why me?
Juni: (Turns all freaky looking) I said YOU FIRST!!
Trent: O_O Yes ma’am.
Juni: Thank you.
Trent: How did you learn to be so scary, anyway?
Juni: I’ve been taking lessons from Tekagi.
Trent: I see.
Now, I’m just going to skip to when the convoy reaches the third buoy, since the part in between is pretty boring.
Transport: Alert! There’s something up ahead!
Juni: What is it?
Transport: A mine!
Juni: Crap.
The transport hit the mine, and for some unknown reason, dropped out of cruise speed. The amount of Outcasts waiting for them would be somewhere in between a fleet and an armada. Even worse, they were all in Sabres with class 10 guns.
HEY! You can’t use Sabres in mission 3!
Outcast 1: Why not?
Because the mission will be impossible then!
Outcast 2: So? I don’t care about what you think.
Oh, really?
Suddenly, the Outcast’s Sabres magically changed to Starfliers. The Outcasts then immediately surrendered, since the worst thing a Starflier can do to a transport is scratch the paint job.
Trent: How did you do that?
Mysterious author powers. Never write a fanfic without ‘em!
Trent: (Looks hopeful) Could you use those powers to give me a battleship or a million credits, then?
No, but I could put you back in your old Starflier.
Trent: You’re evil!
I know. Isn’t it great?
Trent: -_-
Transport: C’mon. We need to get to Willard before more of them show up.
WILLARD RESEARCH STATION
Trent: Hey, they sell class 6 guns here!
Juni: It doesn’t matter though, because you can’t put them on your ship.
Trent: Then could you tell me how you and the other NPCs cheat so I can?
Juni: No.
Trent: >_<
Trent and Juni then flew to California Minor and destroyed Arnold Schwarzenegger Clones 432, 518, and 3267, who, luckily, were in Valkyries with crapified Stealthblade Mk.I’s (and they're pretty crappy normally) and class 2 shields. The fight at Willard Research Station happened just as you know it did, and I would cover it in more detail except that I want to keep the chapters about the same length. There were some pretty strange events though, like when the cruisers and battleship destroyed the gunboats immediately after Walker called for help because they were too fast to hit and the Rheinland bombers (a.k.a. fighters with torpedoes) somehow mananged to torp each other, not to mention all the Rheinlanders sounded like the Terminator. Trent then used his payment to buy some Magma Hammer Mk.I’s for his Defender. He then flew back to Manhattan, where he would do some missions. When he was walking in to the bar, there was a cutscene showing the guy with the artifact, which would’ve been in the last chapter but I forgot to put it there.
Guy with artifact: My precioussssss…
Do a barrel roll!
Edited by - Starman Omega on 4/10/2005 1:39:51 PM
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