@White: just for you, an edit happy now?

Killzone: Well, your first post sets the mood for your char. quite well, but....

I'd like to ask you to be a bit more littarite (is that the word?). Try to use full sentences and discribe in a but more words what your character is thinking/experiancing, what he sees and what he feals. He's obviously pissed about the fact that Michael crippled his shieldgenerator and mad at himself that he let his guard down.
The encounter with Malys/Michael surely must have done more to him than smash his commpanel.
And the group was tagged as Bounty Hunters, wich are sworn enemies of the Outcasts. Therefore they all appeared hostile to you. At least, thats what I figured anyway

I realise that you want your character to come accross rude and dangerous and all, but I think saying

---

Bartender, gimme a drink

---

is not realy a good way to make friends, and you need friends in this story I don't think the bartender would have accepted that, especialy from a new guy.
The same goes for the "Hey, greasemonkey! Fix my ship!" line.

Next, of the five pilots your char refers to as navy, not one is part of the navy.
The only one Killzone could have mistaken for a Navy guy is probably Lutz, who flies a Defender-XS, but not likely as they were tagged as BH.

About your ship, we don't do cloaks. I'm sorry, but in our story cloaks do not exist. The tech has died with the last Nomad-infested Rheinlander.
Also, what is a Telemantery? That's just on a sidenote, for all I know it's just a flashlight

Last thing, Why do you go to Liberty? It's not save for a criminal there. No matter how good you say you are, Liberty or Rheinland, who ever finds you first, will kill you on sight.
And I also don't think anyone would just leave with you, just like that. There has to be a reason for that guy to come along with you. Anyone would be mad to follow someone into the hart of Liberty.

All this leads me to beleve you didn't read the story from the beginning, or at least not carefully enough. You might want to do this, is clarifies a lot about the current situation. Whasp has it on his home page in HTML or at home (mail him) in word, but you could just copy/paste it to your own word.

Don't take me wrong, I like your post in general, but a lot just doesn't add up.
I sugest you write a short intro, something about how Killzone ended up in Sigma 19. Probably after being on a killfrenzy against the Corsairs or the BH.

and try to hook up with one or two guys, or at least write an encounter with, for instance, Terranova. One of the important guys in the story.
And try to hang around. If you do that, others will take you along with the story and very soon you will get your own role on this.

Malys and Johnson did the same, each in their own special way () and now they're a part of this. It takes only about a post or two/three from your side and a few appearences in our posts (like in mine).

Don't be offended, or discouraged by my post. This is meant to be a constructive comment. I understand you have your own style of writing, we all do and it's fine, just some note's for you to take along the way.

Good luck

Edit: Kill, I just read your post. Be patient, Lutz will return. And I forgot to ask, how do you know where Lutz, Michael and the rest are heading to? When you met them they were on their way to Sigma 17

Edited by - Nickless on 22-09-2003 20:10:21

Ahh, yeah maybe... well Im kinda short of time sooo Im pullin out... sorry... well, Im deleting my thread and goin sorry for the incoviniece.... and Telemantary as far as I know is planetary weather scans... and Phase CLoak is something I came up with... its a kind of cloak.. it blocks scanners.... an your not invisable... sorry once again......

Bein an Outcast is about doin things you wanna do: Kill, Terrorise, Murder, Destroy, Smoke Cardamine, ya know, normal stuff.....

Well, I'm sorry to hear, because you realy seemed to want to get into the story.
I hope it was my post what made you change your mind, 'cause it was in no way my intention.

Let us know when you do have the time, we can always use more writers.

From Nickless

---

Malys and Johnson did the same, each in their own special way () and now they're a part of this

---

You accused me and Malys of being together. Now, Jim and Malys? Some advice, buddy boy, never become a matchmaker . Oh and Nick, O'Connor has Defenders on the Vengeance . Connor Almays (Eraser's char) flies a Anubis.

Killzone, if this is really about the hard time we've given you, please don't quit. Look at Malys, we gave her a hell of a time, and she beat us all and stayed with it. We give all of the new recruits a hellish first couple of posts because we try to really keep this story focused and constant. Canon is important to us because without it, the story takes a page out of James Joyce and becomes stream of conciousness where you have five different thoughts and plans going at each other.

It's also important that you do everything to make you character as easy to understand and write for the other writers. Give them you character's alliances, motives, ideals (or lack of), friends, and loves. Once you do that, the others can use your character to make the webstory a concise and following narrative. While some characters have their own clique like Lutz, Michael, and Arrigoni, the loose strings and cannons make the story more rounded. Quigley is a pretty solitary character except for the NPC I write in (he tends to get left behind and then I wanted a chance to do a lot of exposition). His running around in the middle of the war adds a tension and depth to the story that you wouldn't get from the Rim systems where all the other characters were.

So ya got to work at it. We all did. You think we just read the newest post and went off writing? No, I've read the whole thread at least four times. I constantly look back at other posts for reference. I'd be happy to help if you need it, email me. I check it atleast everyday.

jedierrant

Saving damsels in distress,
Defending the defenseless,
Fighting for the underdog,
Don Quixote in an X-wing.

Play UT, and you'll leave crying Volun-Tears!




Edited by - jedierrant on 23-09-2003 02:27:15

Edited by - jedierrant on 23-09-2003 05:29:49

Yes, ditto about being sorry you can't participate. We really need fresh blood.

I mean, uh...


Anyway, I did a bit more with the profiles. (I'm too lazy to post a link. Go up.)

--------------------------------
Why make your own mistakes when someone else has already made them for you?
-Learn from the skeletons floating in the piranha pool: NO SWIMMING!

After a rational nights sleep, I decided to come back... buuut I still need a little time... to get names together and such... and read the story... and get the first part done... sooo before the end of the week...

Man: "An why should I come with you?"
Killzone:"You see this big gun I have? Ill shoot you through both kneecaps an leave you to bleed to death on the deck..."
Man: "Uh I uhhh ok..."


Bein an Outcast is about doin things you wanna do: Kill, Terrorise, Murder, Destroy, Smoke Cardamine, ya know, normal stuff.....

Hehe, now that's what I call persuation

Yeeeehaaawww! Welcome back aboard, Kill.

Take all the time you need, we'll even leave your character alone while you decide his past. I'm formulating a side excursion for Quigley and crew. It'll be quick and he'll eventually go to Kyoto (if the plot doesn't take a twist before then). So if Killzone eventually gets carried along by the current to Kyoto, he won't be isolated from the other characters. Quigley will be there with his ex-Libertonians and one Xeno to piss off Killzone.

jedierrant

Saving damsels in distress,
Defending the defenseless,
Fighting for the underdog,
Don Quixote in an X-wing.

Play UT, and you'll leave crying Volun-Tears!

Heh, got it from a game.. hmmmm were to start?? Any ideas??

Hunter: Hey! Why dont you try an take my ass down Killzone??
Killzone: What? Two bit asshole like you?? The guys would all luagh at me!!
Hunter: Thats i BOOOMM!!
Killzone: F*** off....

Bein an Outcast is about doin things you wanna do: Kill, Terrorise, Murder, Destroy, Smoke Cardamine, ya know, normal stuff.....

Ill certainly thing about it... but this war seems to be the perfect oppurtunety to strike the Navy officer he so hates... but then again dont expect the Corsairs to leve him alone either....

Outcast 1: Jee Ricardo, when you wanna frag someone, you go all out dont you?
Outcast 2: Yeah man, he certainly didnt expect that one...
Killzone: Well, yknow what they say..
Outcast 1+2: And whats that??
Killzone: Variety is the spice of life....

Bein an Outcast is about doin things you wanna do: Kill, Terrorise, Murder, Destroy, Smoke Cardamine, ya know, normal stuff.....

Now, that's more like it...Ricardo

ok guys, read it and wheep

Edited by - Nickless on 24-09-2003 01:02:00

Uhh... continuity error. Jim's post sez that Lutz finished off the second cruiser with the fireblade, but you sez that Lutz couldn't fire it.

Just this one minor nitpick, then I'll upload the lot to the website.

Ummm,... I'll kindly edit to make the story consistent.

Hey Killzone, good to see you back. By your little bits of writing in this thread, you certainly know how to be a badass!

There is little that I can tell you that my fellow authors haven't already, but I suggest you read the story twice. Might pick up some details that you didn't your first time.

Yeah, it's hell. But it's so much fun once you're in it.

Damn! I didn't get to read your post. I'll look forward to your next one

Edited by - Jim Groovester on 24-09-2003 04:24:58

Ugh. Stupid pet peeves...

Why is everybody so overzealous with commas? You all make full sentences, but separate them with commas, and it makes everything read messed up!
Add that to commonly misspelled words like "allright (all right), save (safe), Florance (Florence) (when I was editing the New Italy part.) and I get... uh... just slightly annoyed . (No sarcasm or understatement. Just plain slightly annoyed )

Still, it seems many people put commas in places that they shouldn't be, and periods where there should be commas.

And there's my daily rant done with! Either heed or ignore at your own will. I won't care anymore.


I must say, however, that the spelling mistakes of Vengeance have gone down to zero. Nice job! I don't know if you're conciously doing it or not, but it makes editing so much easier.

(I'll upload the pages in a short while.)

Edit: Screw that. It's late. The latest one is 51 pages in word. I average 3 or 4 pages for each 'chapter.' done the math. I ain't doin' 16 chapters right now.

--------------------------------
Why make your own mistakes when someone else has already made them for you?
-Learn from the skeletons floating in the piranha pool: NO SWIMMING!


Edited by - Whasp Commander on 24-09-2003 07:59:45