holy crap man, someone needs to sort that cousin out. i mean physically re-educate the f**ker until he starts understanding things. i think you need to get this girl to seriously consider telling someone. its bound to be awkward, its bound to be distressing but she's 2 years older than him and if he's dominating her like that to the point where she cant stop him and is too worried to tell on him, then he's gonna see this as a potential cant loose situation. He sounds pretty disturbed anyway and i wouldnt be suprised if it happens a second time or becomes the start of something larger. Something like this CANNOT be taken lightly when someone is sexually viotated. There are laws against this sort of thing if he were an adult, and its even more messed up since its his cousin, a member of family he should be protecting, not taking advantage of.

You HAVE to get her to make this stop, but if she doesnt have the personal power to make this stop then she needs to get somone in who will. Parents are the obvious choice but also they have a personal connection here and it could be devastating and cause far more problems. Mutual friends that the two have could step in or does the girl know any guys? Im sure you'd sort this out yourself if you could get there but as you said, 3000 miles, she needs someone on her side, someone who is there, someone she can confide in physically. Telling people, although hard to do, is the only way to solve this, especially if she doesnt have the power to stop it herself.


Seek the truth
Behold the truth
Reveal the truth
That is the law and the whole of the law

You get me near that SOB cousin and I'll beat him to pulp for you and your gf or die trying. Tell her parents yourself - this is no time to be sensitive and ****. This is a crime and that bastard needs his face rearranged

That's wrong on so many levels. As Arcon said, that kid needs to get sorted. I'd offer my services if I didn't think it was a completely meaningless gesture.

Depending on the situation I'd say press charges (or get the gf to press charges, whatever it takes). The kid deserves to be hung, drawn and quartered but, since that isn't really an option, turn him into a pariah. It won't undo what has already been done but, given the nature of what he did, he deserves whatever comes to him.

You should check out the phone numbers of governement or private agencies. In the UK we have childline, the samaritians, and other such agencies - who will listen and advise your cousin only. She can tell qualified people in confidence, without any need for her identity to be blown, and they will give her more sound and better advice than we can. If you push really hard to tell her parents, she might shut you out instead. I would seriously try and persuade her to find the right agency instead.

You can locate them on the internet for her country, and then pass along the details/phone number. It wouldn't appear on the bill if they are anyway decent (free and un-documented on itemised bills).

The advice she would receive is better than anyone here can give - people who can actually recommend exaclty what she should do, whilst also council her at the same time.
The other alternative is to get her to tell her doctor. They cannot break their client confidentiality clause, but they will also be able to help out without the parents knowing. The doctor will also recommend she tells her parents, but its one footstep at a time, and she could also tell the family at the doctors clinic etc, where everyone can help, and she may feel safer too.........

It is very hard for a girl to tell her parents that something like this has happened to her. Usually, in most East Asian cultures anyway, the blame falls back on the girl for "letting the boy" do it and thus bringing shame upon the family as a whole. So her options are very limited indeed. The boy usually is given a lecture and possibly punished but there may even be some knowing winks mixed into the punishment.

So let's talk about you for a minute. You're trying to be intelligent about it but the reason why you feel funny inside is because, in fact, you are enraged. And rightfully so. You probably feel conflicted because as much as you care for her, you've also been conditioned to think of her as an object ... not your fault, its the societal environment in which you have been brought up ... not just your family influences .... so you have a sense of violated ownership as well, that what you want to keep for yourself as pure has now been defiled by that boy. The intelligent part of you cannot accept that you see your gf as an object because it is wrong to do so and yet you also know that a good chunk of your anger is motivated by just that outlook.

Focus on the fact that you love her and that she has been hurt and acknowledge to yourself that society has a debt to pay you for twisting up your thinking inside.

Now, getting back to the gf, you will need to consult your parents about this. They are, unfortunately, better connected than you to understand what may be possible in terms of how to communicate the harm that was done and what may be done to protect her from further harm. I know this sounds like a lame answer to you but short of what you already are thinking of trying to do (and trigger a whole host of other problems for yourself) it is the more practical approach afaik.

<Edit>

Chips' very good advice also should be thought about as well. Again, I know your gf will be petrified because it very well may be that the laws in her country are such that parents are to be notified of all of these kinds of contacts. So you'll have to check carefully first before going down that avenue.

If the government services are required to notify the parents, then try private ones. Religious charities may provide a viable alternative in this instance.

Edited by - Indy11 on 11/17/2004 9:28:50 AM

gimme the money and I'll go and beat the b*st*rd up myself.
If you want and can get her to talk to me...they say it helps to talk about it...and its usually easier to talk to someone outside.

The dude at the game shop is such an idiot...he told me I should try out Real Life sometime...this while he knows that I dont like fantasy

I think people are placing too much blame on the cousin, here. I assume the cousin was stalking the girl, and nagging constantly? Bad indeed, but the choice was still the girl's to make. Unless physical coercion was involved, which is very different.

Don't tell parents, whatever you do, tell other adults, ie. phonelines etc. as long as you're certain they'll keep quiet, but telling your parents will bring you nothing but uncomfortable silences around the dinner table.


___Corsair~MMIV
Reasons I'm better than you: #78468- I have squiggly lines in my name.

*shakes head*

I feel bad for both you and your gf kimk. I actually hate anyone who lays their hand on a woman in that sort of way and what i would do to him can't be posted here.

The advise i would give would be the same as Chips, we do have over here in the UK that can take calls, completly anonymous (sp?) and they may be able to help.

I'm sorry my advice is pretty bland but i just cannot get my head around why her cousin would do such a thing. I suggest you get a posse of your boys over to where she is, pop round the cousins house, strap him to the bonnet of a car, drive it off of a cliff and bail out at the last second. If she had been here in the UK, i would get some of the real nasties to break some bones.

Once again Kimk, i'm sorry that is just so ****ed up!

EDIT: If she speaks english (i assume she does) and there is no one in her own country she can talk to, i will happily go and find a website that she could get a number from so she could talk to one of the helplines we have over here.

Edited by - Bret Bretonian on 11/17/2004 1:25:57 PM

She did however let him do it? I think we all need to ponder that for a moment. You can't exactly accuse someone of stealing your car when you hand over the keys, can you?
Personally I find the whole thing a little disturbing, she should really be sitting the sick little puppy down and telling him that she shouldn't have let him do it and that it won't be happening again.


EDIT: Ok edited some of that was a bit harsh and I've taken that out Wiz, but I still I stick by my statements. I've heard of a lot of guys (know of some too) that have consensual sex with a girl (or sometimes they have just rejected their advances) and then find themselves up on rape charges the next day. She's either felt guilty about having sex with him or as I said he has rejected her advances or whatever. Their lives are thrown into turmoil for something that didn't even occur, just to satisfy the girls sense of well being. Rape charges are very serious things and accusations should not be made with forthought to the consequences. I'm not saying that this is the case with your girl kimk, I can't really comment to closely because I don't have all the facts. However I wouldn't go bumbling in blaming the cousing for the whole situation until you know exactly how things panned out. You have to ask a couple of questions, how much cohersion if any, was involved? was it physical or mental? why did she allow him to do it? how easily did she succomb to said cohersion? why does a younger relative feel he has control over her? I'd just advise you to look into it a little more closely before jumping the gun.


Edited by - Mustang on 11/17/2004 5:08:27 PM

That's were most people make your mistake Mustang. Maybe he has this sense of authority on him, or maybe she isn't in the position to say "no". You should be very careful when you say such things.

I still urge agencies/charity run help lines for children - they are trained to deal with it, and they can actually help. They will be able to talk it through with her, ascertain whatever they can, and give sound advise. Having us lot sit around wondering what reasons could lead be meant for it isn't helping, and we certainly don't know what circumstances are involved etc etc.

Get her to contact some help, its confidential, and they can help her make the best advised decision for her ....

Remember, the best decision for her, not you, her family or anyone else - her.
As for all the violence - its also illegal and against the law..........further more - it will not solve anything..........even further - two wrongs will not make it right, or even better.... and none of us here are qualified for it either.

Edited by - Chips on 11/17/2004 2:50:50 PM

arrrg if i lived in korea....

If you want to hurt him get a baseball bat and kneecap him.

thats just wrong

Musty is right...semi.

If she agreed to it, then I doubt it would hold then. She needs to get the courage to stand up and if he threatens her , then she can go to court for battery. Talk to her kimk, its the best thing. Try and talk to her that will convinve her that the best course of action is to seek help. and whoever said

---

Telling the parents will only cause uncomfortable silences at the dinner table.

---

is extremely right imo.

thanks guys, i love you all

thanks for the generous offers to rearrange his bodily anatomy. but im sure if we all set loose on him there wont be enough to go around.

i've posted this on another board, and i've gotten some very different insights, typically more.. rough ones. given the nature of that board, it was expected.

i will definitely look into the child welfare sites that may be found around taiwan. (she lives in taiwan) but i fear they'll be in chinese and i'll have heck of a time making anything out.

edit:

ok, i found this site.. seems to be the best. children.org

does anyone know of the large charity organisations ? like WHO (thats health) that are geared towards child welfare? those international ones. they're bound to have a branch in taiwan.

im just waiting for gf to talk about this. i'll show her this thread. its got all the thoughts that i couldn't put into words.

thanks again guys

and i would talk to her, listen to her, more than i already am, but im petrified i might say something wrong maybe i wont need to, if i can convince her to look at this thread.

Edited by - kimk on 11/18/2004 4:44:12 AM


edit2: i keep re-reading FF and codename's replies.. they make me feel good somehow

Edited by - kimk on 11/18/2004 5:06:28 AM

edit3: oh and guys, i forgot to put in main post, i got a 100% scholarship to the college i wanted to go to. now i have a good excuse to get out of this pathetic place.

Edited by - kimk on 11/18/2004 5:11:29 AM