Time for more politically incorrect jokes...
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Greater Los Angeles Area
Driver's License Application
Name: ______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________
Therapist name: __________________________________
Sex:
__ Male
__ Female
__ Formerly male
__ Formerly female
__ Both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any
way?
Yes___ No ___
Occupation:
__ Lawyer
__ Actor/Waiter
__ Film-maker/Self-employed
__ Writer
__ Car Dealer
__ Pan-handler
__ Agent
__ Hooker/Transvestite
__ Other. Please explain: ___________________
Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in a car: ____
Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex: _____
Please list brand of cell phone: __________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.) _______________
Please check most recent hair color:
Females:
__ Blonde
__ Platinum Blonde
Teenagers:
__ Red
__ Orange
__ Green
__ Purple
__ Blue
__ Skinhead
Men: Please list shade of hairplugs: _______
Activities you perform while driving.
Please check all that apply:
__ Eating a wrap
__ Drinking Starbucks coffee
__ Applying make-up
__ Shaving
__ Talking on the phone
__ Slapping kids in the backseat
__ Having sex
__ Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
__ Tanning
__ Snorting cocaine
__ Watching TV
__ Reading Variety
__ Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
You expect to shoot at other drivers _______
You expect to be shot at while driving ______
If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a
high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not
going through.
d) Call your therapist.
e) None of the above (South Central resident).
Please indicate if you drive:
a) a Beamer
b) a Lexus
c) a Mercedes
d) a Cabriolet
(If your answer is d, please add six to eight weeks, to normal delivery time for your driver's
license.)
In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car.
b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4.
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
c) You're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Xanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) Celexa
h) All of the above
i) None of the above
If none, please explain: __________________
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405.
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a
hefty lawsuit.
d) Reload before coming to a complete stop.
When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) Using your directional signals.
b) What is a "directional signal"?
Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) The horn _______
b) The horn _______
c) The horn _______
The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) Dark, poorly lit roads _________
b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way _________
c) Revenge! _________
Your rear view mirror is for:
a) Watching for approaching cars _______
b) Watching for approaching police _______
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When you go to Heaven:
You are greeted by the British, the French do the cooking, the Italians do the entertaining and the Germans run everything.
When you go to Hell:
You are greeted by the French, the British do the cooking, the Germans do the entertaining and the Italians run everything.
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There are three construction workers (one Italian, one Jewish and one Polish) sitting on the 21st floor of a building being erected. They sit down for lunch. The Italian opens his lunch and he has pasta. He says, "If I have pasta one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." The Jew opens his lunch pail and has chopped liver. He says, "If I have chopped liver one more time, it's over for me, too. The Pole opens his lunch and has peanut butter and jelly. He says the same thing.
The next day, the Italian opens his box and it's pasta. He jumps 21 floors - splat - dead. Same for the Jew - chopped liver - splat - dead. Likewise for the Pole - peanut butter and jelly - splat - dead.
At the funeral, the wives are commiserating. The Italian wife says, "If only my husband had told me, I would have packed him something else besides pasta. The Jewish wife agrees, "Me too, I would certainly have packed something besides chopped liver, I want my husband alive." The Polish wife says, "I just don't understand, my husband makes his own lunch."
(You can substitute any nationality or food you choose.)
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How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
a) Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
b) Californians don't screw in light bulbs; they screw in hot tubs.
How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
a) Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
b) Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
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Three reasons why the British are better than the Americans:
-They speak English.
-When they host a world championship, they invite other countries.
-Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.
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Canada draws against the US in this match-up. Here's how:
US attacks...
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally, they arrived at some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so they stopped. The wife let down her window and asked, "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The wife rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
Canadian counter-attack...
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually,Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them ..."
It's a 1:1 as you can see...
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Driving rules for Americans:
Turn signals will give away your next move. Don't bother using them or noticing when someone else does. A little respect goes a long way and we wouldn't want that taking the extreme aggressiveness off of our roads!
Drive three inches behind the car in front of you even if you are in the far right lane ... they don't want to see your headlights anyways so you will be doing them a courtesy. It's not like this ever causes accidents or anything.
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow and should be done often. Also refer back to Rule #1.
Lights: Yellow light means "Floor it!" If the light just turned red it is okay to go through it, still. The faster you drive through the red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. If you end up behind somebody who slows down for a yellow light, get very angry and honk your horn at him while swearing. Always honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. Always assume a green light is going to turn red just before you get to it; speed up when approaching an intersection.
Never, ever, come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want to annoy the guy off behind you and have your insurance company pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
A lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you in the soon-to-be-closed lane as you responsibly sit in the proper lane waiting for the same ****s to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels. Don't attempt to stop your car on the line so these creeps can't pass you; it only makes them honk their horn and give you dirty looks as they drive on the closed part of the road to get around you.
Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork (That's one out of every 20 here.) They have obviously been in many accidents and probably are under- insured if at all.
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. This is to be done especially fast right after changing lanes and cutting someone off.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a great way to scare people entering the highway.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforcable. If it says 55 MPH, you should be doing at least 70. Anyone doing less than that will be tailgated, harrassed, and passed on all sides.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver, flashing his high beams behind you, doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
Need a shortcut when traffic is high? Simply drive down the center lane. It's completely safe and no cop will ever give you a hard time about it. On the freeway? Just take the carpool lane or the space to the left or right of the "real" lanes.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Most truckers don't have any idea how to load their trucks so be prepared to dodge pallets, boxes, and even couches! Abrubt swerving is also a fun and safe way to change lanes quickly and instantly! (Once again, refer to Rule #1.)
Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
Real women American drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, yell at their kids, and run you off of the road in their SUV's, at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Flipping someone the bird is considered a special salute. This gesture should always be returned.
Once you get onto the freeway, just get into the far left lane and stay there. When other drivers pull up behind you trying to pass just ignore them and wait. Soon you will see that you have forced them to dart in and out of traffic to get around you which is much safer for everyone than for you to pull to the right when you have a chance.
If someone cuts you off or wrongs you in any way on the road, be sure to teach them a lesson by getting very angry and staying so all day long.
By following these above listed rules, you can do your part to help keep our rapidly increasing population under control.
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The Travel Advisory for France
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe, and is for all intents and purposes, completely useless. It is an important member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities.
France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used. It is also next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, although many will speak English, if shouted at repeatedly.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed and have no concept of standing patiently in a line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined. Those are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. All French women have little tits and don't shave their armpits.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier mutual recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connection France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport. The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by just about every other country in the world.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor). Members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a French family.)
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels, such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for such.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany. Remember that no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally we always take our vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same. Thank you and good luck.
NOTE: This IS a joke. Really.
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An Irishman's Philosophy
There are only two things to worry about.
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well,
then there's nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick,
there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will get well or you will die.
If you get well,
then there's nothing to worry about.
If you die,
there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven,
there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell,
you'll be so busy shaking hands with friends,
you won't have time to worry.
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The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"My neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed."
"This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz, and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
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A WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a boat to a supply base in the south of England, then took a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not locate a seat.
He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for a place to sit down. Finally, he found a compartment with seats facing each other. There was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only an older proper-looking British lady, with a small dog sitting in the seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat," he asked.
The woman insulted him, saying, "You Americans are so rude. Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"
The exhausted man walked through the train again and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs. I even have a couple at home. I would be glad to hold your dog if I can just sit down." The snooty woman replied, "You Americans are not only rude, but you are also arrogant!"
He leaned against the wall for a time, utterly exhausted and finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I just please sit there and hold your dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant but you are also obnoxious."
Hearing her comment, the soldier calmly stepped forward, picked up the dog, threw it out the window. Then he sat down where the dog had been sitting. The lady was awestruck and speechless.
Across the isle, an older neatly dressed Englishman spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all Americans fit the lady's description of you, but I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"
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A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve, frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
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New Rules for the English Language
(Euroenglish)
The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the European Community(EU) -- rather than German (the other possibility).
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules that would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish. The agreed plan is as follows:
In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replased by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' is replased by 'f'. This will reduse "fotograf' by 20%.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful, and they should eliminat them.
By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas).
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
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A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation.
"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
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A Russian man has saved his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman. "Do you know which week, two years from now, the new car will arrive?", he asks.
The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.
"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week, two years from now, the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.
Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back and walks up to the salesman.
"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday, in the morning or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply, that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now, on Thursday.
"That's a relief!", says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning!"
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OK, that's enough for now. I'm probably blacklisted by now anyway...
Cpbuja ybuja!
Fri May 30, 2003 2:11 am 
