Hmmm. I didn't number them and I never noticed 11 was missing. Makes you wonder about the FBI.

Answering Machine Messages

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the
world famous: International Institute of Answering Machine
Answers.

"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
we're finished."

Narrator's voice "There Richard sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it
in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath
sounded. Thou must leave a message."

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If
you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I
call sooner!"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.
Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message,
just hold it up to the phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their
office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,
your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

(Direct approach "Who are you and what do you want?"

"You are growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you."

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by
us."

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right .
. . real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done
brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

One of my favorite Darwin Awards

Here's another GREAT one
Make sure you visit the homepage-they have tons of stories like these, most of which are true.

And if you want more, just read the quotes in my sig...

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not too sure about the former.

-Albert Einstein

A Liberal is a man who is too broad-minded to take his own side in an argument.
-Robert Frost
Join my army[!

http://www.crazythoughts.com/ anyone?

I keep digging this thread up, don't I?

Deductive Reasoning

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to
be moving"

New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
friendly"

Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach
deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?

"New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a
dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1: "That is right"

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce
that you have a family.

Neighbor 1: "Right again"

New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a
wife"

Neighbor 1: "Correct"

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you
are heterosexual"

Neighbor 1: "Yup"

New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in
next door"

Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"

Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"

Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"

Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the
University"

Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"

Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog
house?"

Neighbor 2: "No"

Neighbor 1: "You must be gay!"



Just think, this useless post is adding to my rank...