(REALLY GAY BUT FUUNY JOKE)
how do you get pickachu on a bus?
you poke-him-on
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JOKES RATED PG-13 (new jokes after the cats on page 2)
This is where you can discuss your homework, family, just about anything, make strange sounds and otherwise discuss things which are really not related to the Lancer-series. Yes that means you can discuss other games.
33 posts
• Page 2 of 3 • 1, 2, 3
Mon Apr 21, 2003 12:40 am
Not bad. This is one of my favorites, besides the one with the flies:
A guy goes into a bar, and orders drink after drink. He passes out, and when he wakes up he looks at his watch and realizes that it's three, A.M., and his wife is going to kill him. He orders two bottles of Scotch to go, shoves them in his pockets, and dashes to his car.
After racing home as fast as he can, he opens the door, takes of his shoes, and tiptoes up the stairs so as not to wake anyone up. Suddenly, he slips, falling all the way down on his [rear, shattering the two Scotch bottles in his back pockets. His [rear is now seriously cut up, but he's so drunk that at first he doesn't even notice it. When he reaches the top of the stairs, he sees the blood he's tracking everywhere, so he goes to the mirror and tries to mend the damage as best he can under the circumstances, then heads to bed.
When he wakes up, his head is hurting, his [rear is still killing him, and his wife asks, "you really got plastered last night, didn't you?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Well, my first big clue came when I woke up and found nineteen band-aids stuck to the bathroom mirror."
----------------------------
But, if you want tasteless ....
A guy goes into a bar, and meets this really nice girl. After a few drinks and the customary small-talk, they head back to his apartment for the night.
So they're having a great time, and suddenly, she, on top of him, starts having a seizure. She had neglected to tell him about her problem, so at first he thinks, "Damn, this is the best sex I've ever had!" But when he finishes up, she's still flailing around, so he starts to get a little worried.
Finally, he takes her to the hospital. When they arrive, the nurse inquires about the problem, to which he responds, "er...I, uh...think her orgasm's stuck."
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not too sure about the former.
-Albert Einstein
Join my army[[!
A guy goes into a bar, and orders drink after drink. He passes out, and when he wakes up he looks at his watch and realizes that it's three, A.M., and his wife is going to kill him. He orders two bottles of Scotch to go, shoves them in his pockets, and dashes to his car.
After racing home as fast as he can, he opens the door, takes of his shoes, and tiptoes up the stairs so as not to wake anyone up. Suddenly, he slips, falling all the way down on his [rear, shattering the two Scotch bottles in his back pockets. His [rear is now seriously cut up, but he's so drunk that at first he doesn't even notice it. When he reaches the top of the stairs, he sees the blood he's tracking everywhere, so he goes to the mirror and tries to mend the damage as best he can under the circumstances, then heads to bed.
When he wakes up, his head is hurting, his [rear is still killing him, and his wife asks, "you really got plastered last night, didn't you?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Well, my first big clue came when I woke up and found nineteen band-aids stuck to the bathroom mirror."
----------------------------
But, if you want tasteless ....
A guy goes into a bar, and meets this really nice girl. After a few drinks and the customary small-talk, they head back to his apartment for the night.
So they're having a great time, and suddenly, she, on top of him, starts having a seizure. She had neglected to tell him about her problem, so at first he thinks, "Damn, this is the best sex I've ever had!" But when he finishes up, she's still flailing around, so he starts to get a little worried.
Finally, he takes her to the hospital. When they arrive, the nurse inquires about the problem, to which he responds, "er...I, uh...think her orgasm's stuck."
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not too sure about the former.
-Albert Einstein
Join my army[[!
Thu Apr 24, 2003 10:46 pm
A guy goes into a bar, and, for no apparent reason, gets involved in an argument with a woman in the corner over which of the major genders enjoys sex the most. "Why else would men talk about it all the time?" he asks.
The woman looks at him and says, "That doesn't prove anything. Think about this. When you stick your finger in your ear, wiggle it around a little bit and pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes into a bar and sees an obviously drunk woman reading a book. This seems a little odd to him, so he sends her a drink. Without even glancing up, she continues to read. He's really curious now, and sends her another drink, which she ignores. Finally, he walks over and asks her why she ignored the beers.
"I'm sorry, I'm just engrossed in this book on male genitalia," she said. "Did you know that Navajo men have the fattest, widest penises?"
The man shakes his head.
"Or that Mexican men have the longest?"
"Nope, didn't know that, either."
The woman puts down the book, and looks up saying, "so what's your name, anyway?"
"Tonto Rodriguez."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not too sure about the former.
-Albert Einstein
Join my army[[!
The woman looks at him and says, "That doesn't prove anything. Think about this. When you stick your finger in your ear, wiggle it around a little bit and pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes into a bar and sees an obviously drunk woman reading a book. This seems a little odd to him, so he sends her a drink. Without even glancing up, she continues to read. He's really curious now, and sends her another drink, which she ignores. Finally, he walks over and asks her why she ignored the beers.
"I'm sorry, I'm just engrossed in this book on male genitalia," she said. "Did you know that Navajo men have the fattest, widest penises?"
The man shakes his head.
"Or that Mexican men have the longest?"
"Nope, didn't know that, either."
The woman puts down the book, and looks up saying, "so what's your name, anyway?"
"Tonto Rodriguez."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not too sure about the former.
-Albert Einstein
Join my army[[!
Tue Apr 29, 2003 1:37 pm
- Why does a blond have a sore navel?
- 'Cause her bf is a blonde too.
A sharks watching "The Titanic":
"I just love movies with happy end!"
An alcoholic is fishing and catches a goldfish which appears to be magic and promises to grant him thre wishes if he lets it go.
His first wish is, of course, a barrel of Scotch.
"What's your second wish?"
"Err, make this whole sea scotch!"
"Done. You got one last wish left."
"Uh, hmmm.... Ah, what the heck, gimme one more bottle!"
Just thought I'd dig it up
English in foreign countries...It's really funny
>
> In a Bang*** temple:
> "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A
> MAN."
>
> Cocktail lounge, Norway:
> "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
>
> At a Budapest zoo:
> "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE
> IT TO
> THE GUARD ON DUTY."
>
> Doctors office, Rome:
> "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
>
> Hotel, Acapulco:
> "THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE."
>
> Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
> "COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR
> ROOM,
> PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF."
>
> Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
> "WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM
> MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN
> TOOTLE HIM
> WITH VIGOR."
>
> Dry cleaners, Bang***:
> "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS."
>
> In a Nairobi restaurant:
> "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
>
> On the grounds of a private school:
> "NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION."
>
> On an Athi River highway:
> "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS
> IMPASSABLE."
>
>
> On a poster at Kencom:
> "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."
>
> In a City restaurant:
> OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
>
> One of the Mathare buildings:
> "MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE."
>
> A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
> "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."
>
> In a Pumwani maternity ward:
> "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED."
>
> In a cemetery:
> "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
> GRAVES."
>
> Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
> "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
> BEHAVIOURS IN
> BED."
>
> Hotel notice, Tokyo:
> "IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON
> TO DO
> SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO HAD NOTIS."
>
> On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
> "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."
>
> In a Tokyo bar:
> "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
>
> Hotel brochure, Italy:
> "THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS
> FROM
> ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE."
>
> Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
> "THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE
> REGRET THAT
> YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE."
>
> Hotel elevator, Paris:
> "PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK."
>
> Hotel, Yugoslavia:
> "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
> CHAMBERMAID."
>
> Hotel, Japan:
> "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
>
>
> In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
> monastery:
> "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND
> SOVIET
> COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
>
> Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
> "NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE
> BOOTS OF
> ASCENSION."
>
> Taken from a menu, Poland:
> "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS
> IN THE
> FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE
> COUNTRY
> PEOPLE'S FASHION."
>
> Supermarket, Hong Kong:
> "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT
> SELF-SERVICE."
>
> From the "Soviet Weekly":
> "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC
> PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS."
>
> In an East African newspaper:
> "A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS
> HAVE
> THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS."
>
> Hotel, Vienna:
> "IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER."
>
>
> A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
> "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
> PEOPLE OF
> DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
> UNLESS
> THEY ARE MARRIED.
I'm not sad - I'm sober[[[!
Edited by - ZLO on 06-05-2003 15:51:09
- 'Cause her bf is a blonde too.
A sharks watching "The Titanic":
"I just love movies with happy end!"
An alcoholic is fishing and catches a goldfish which appears to be magic and promises to grant him thre wishes if he lets it go.
His first wish is, of course, a barrel of Scotch.
"What's your second wish?"
"Err, make this whole sea scotch!"
"Done. You got one last wish left."
"Uh, hmmm.... Ah, what the heck, gimme one more bottle!"
Just thought I'd dig it up
English in foreign countries...It's really funny
>
> In a Bang*** temple:
> "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A
> MAN."
>
> Cocktail lounge, Norway:
> "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
>
> At a Budapest zoo:
> "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE
> IT TO
> THE GUARD ON DUTY."
>
> Doctors office, Rome:
> "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
>
> Hotel, Acapulco:
> "THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE."
>
> Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
> "COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR
> ROOM,
> PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF."
>
> Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
> "WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM
> MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN
> TOOTLE HIM
> WITH VIGOR."
>
> Dry cleaners, Bang***:
> "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS."
>
> In a Nairobi restaurant:
> "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
>
> On the grounds of a private school:
> "NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION."
>
> On an Athi River highway:
> "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS
> IMPASSABLE."
>
>
> On a poster at Kencom:
> "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."
>
> In a City restaurant:
> OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
>
> One of the Mathare buildings:
> "MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE."
>
> A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
> "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."
>
> In a Pumwani maternity ward:
> "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED."
>
> In a cemetery:
> "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
> GRAVES."
>
> Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
> "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
> BEHAVIOURS IN
> BED."
>
> Hotel notice, Tokyo:
> "IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON
> TO DO
> SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO HAD NOTIS."
>
> On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
> "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."
>
> In a Tokyo bar:
> "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
>
> Hotel brochure, Italy:
> "THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS
> FROM
> ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE."
>
> Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
> "THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE
> REGRET THAT
> YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE."
>
> Hotel elevator, Paris:
> "PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK."
>
> Hotel, Yugoslavia:
> "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
> CHAMBERMAID."
>
> Hotel, Japan:
> "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
>
>
> In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
> monastery:
> "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND
> SOVIET
> COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
>
> Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
> "NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE
> BOOTS OF
> ASCENSION."
>
> Taken from a menu, Poland:
> "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS
> IN THE
> FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE
> COUNTRY
> PEOPLE'S FASHION."
>
> Supermarket, Hong Kong:
> "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT
> SELF-SERVICE."
>
> From the "Soviet Weekly":
> "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC
> PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS."
>
> In an East African newspaper:
> "A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS
> HAVE
> THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS."
>
> Hotel, Vienna:
> "IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER."
>
>
> A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
> "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
> PEOPLE OF
> DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
> UNLESS
> THEY ARE MARRIED.
I'm not sad - I'm sober[[[!
Edited by - ZLO on 06-05-2003 15:51:09
Tue May 06, 2003 3:00 pm
Mastercard Wedding
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to veryone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this? Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...$32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...$3,000. Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...$8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man...Priceless. There are some things money can't buy; for everything else there's MASTERCARD!!!
SPQR
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to veryone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this? Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...$32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...$3,000. Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...$8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man...Priceless. There are some things money can't buy; for everything else there's MASTERCARD!!!
SPQR
Tue May 06, 2003 3:30 pm
Real cool! The guy has nuts!
BTW, judging from your sig, I thought you were from Rome
Trevligt att se dig haer (how to make "umlaut"?)
A train station is where a train stops. A bus station is where a bus stops.
On my desk I have a workstation...
Edited by - zlo on 06-05-2003 16:31:48
BTW, judging from your sig, I thought you were from Rome
Trevligt att se dig haer
(how to make "umlaut"?)
A train station is where a train stops. A bus station is where a bus stops.
On my desk I have a workstation...
Edited by - zlo on 06-05-2003 16:31:48
Wed Jun 11, 2003 5:15 am
More Massively Kewl Knock Knock Jokes!!!
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
I know it was you.
Crap.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A talking pig.
Pigs can’t talk.
Neither can penguins, but I can’t shut him up! Wait till you get a load of the dancing candelabra…
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You want to buy a kitten?
You want to buy a kitten who?
Make pretty pet.
I’m allergic to cats.
Taste good, too?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You sure you don’t want buy a little kitten?
Yes, I’m sure.
Could make one cute fuzzy glove?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ted Bundy
Ted Bundy who?
Let me in, meat!
No!
I mean… Hello I am Santa Claus.
Yay! Santa!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile.
Saddam, I think it’s for you!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Gandalf the Gray Wizard, friend to hobbits and elves!
Dork-ass loser.
Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
My mouth is full of spiders.
My mouth is full of spiders who?
I didn’t kill the baby. It was made out of popcorn. Popcorn baby! I need a bucket - my knuckles are melting…
Man, you have got to lay off the cough syrup.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Hitler
Hitler who?
Hitler: German, dictator, mass murderer. Little mustache? One testicle? “HEIL ME!” Ring a bell?
I thought you were someone else.
How is that possible? There is only ONE HITLER!
Nope. Went to school with a Nelson Hitler.
You’re just trying to annoy me now.
Do you really have just one testicle?
You’d think I miss it, but I don’t
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
What, and that makes you special?
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
I know it was you.
Crap.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A talking pig.
Pigs can’t talk.
Neither can penguins, but I can’t shut him up! Wait till you get a load of the dancing candelabra…
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You want to buy a kitten?
You want to buy a kitten who?
Make pretty pet.
I’m allergic to cats.
Taste good, too?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You sure you don’t want buy a little kitten?
Yes, I’m sure.
Could make one cute fuzzy glove?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ted Bundy
Ted Bundy who?
Let me in, meat!
No!
I mean… Hello I am Santa Claus.
Yay! Santa!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile.
Saddam, I think it’s for you!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Gandalf the Gray Wizard, friend to hobbits and elves!
Dork-ass loser.
Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
My mouth is full of spiders.
My mouth is full of spiders who?
I didn’t kill the baby. It was made out of popcorn. Popcorn baby! I need a bucket - my knuckles are melting…
Man, you have got to lay off the cough syrup.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Hitler
Hitler who?
Hitler: German, dictator, mass murderer. Little mustache? One testicle? “HEIL ME!” Ring a bell?
I thought you were someone else.
How is that possible? There is only ONE HITLER!
Nope. Went to school with a Nelson Hitler.
You’re just trying to annoy me now.
Do you really have just one testicle?
You’d think I miss it, but I don’t
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
What, and that makes you special?
Wed Jun 11, 2003 5:20 am
A Fisherman's Tale
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Scottish tourist at his first baseball game...
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
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Aggie Accident
There was an Aggie, Longhorn, and a Red Raider who were out hunting. The Aggie brought back a big buck.
''How did you get that?'' they all asked.
''I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and ''boom'' I shot a buck.'' Then the longhorn brought back an elephant.
''How did you get that?" they all asked.
''I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and ''boom'' I shot an elephant.'' Then the Red Raider came back all beat up.
"What happened?" they all asked.
"I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and ''boom'' I got hit by a train."
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Aggies R Dum
There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater. They attempted to rob a bank but got caught. They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair. The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go.
The Longhorn went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go.
The bug eater went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go.
The Aggie went next. They asked him if he had any last words.
"I think if you plug the chair in, it'll work better."
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
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A Scottish tourist at his first baseball game...
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
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Aggie Accident
There was an Aggie, Longhorn, and a Red Raider who were out hunting. The Aggie brought back a big buck.
''How did you get that?'' they all asked.
''I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and ''boom'' I shot a buck.'' Then the longhorn brought back an elephant.
''How did you get that?" they all asked.
''I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and ''boom'' I shot an elephant.'' Then the Red Raider came back all beat up.
"What happened?" they all asked.
"I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and ''boom'' I got hit by a train."
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Aggies R Dum
There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater. They attempted to rob a bank but got caught. They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair. The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go.
The Longhorn went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go.
The bug eater went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go.
The Aggie went next. They asked him if he had any last words.
"I think if you plug the chair in, it'll work better."
Mon Jun 23, 2003 12:15 am
New Improved Lawnmowers
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
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A Few Good Lawyers
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
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Beautiful?
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
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Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
_____________________________________________________________
A Few Good Lawyers
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
_____________________________________________________________
Beautiful?
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
_____________________________________________________________
Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
33 posts
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