One morning recently
A young woman
Got out of bed
Slipped into her robe
Raised the blinds
Uncovered the parrot
Put on the coffee pot
Answered the phone
And heard a masculine voice say:
"Hello, honey. My flight just arrived
And i'm coming right over."
So the young lady
Took the coffee pot of the stove
Covered the parot
Lowered the blinds
Took off her robe
Got into bed
And heard the parrot mumble,
"Damn, what a short day that was!"

...Just a random thought from a random mind

Well, I like this one, but it isn't mine. I got it from here:http://www.digitalwebbing.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=18940
Which means I have to give credit to Miles Allerien

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Theorem: Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.

Now we have a mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,
Work
------ = Power
Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work
------- = Knowledge
Money

Solving for Money, we get:
Work
------------ = Money
Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

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Another one from Miles Allerien:

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Proof that Women are Inherently Evil

Women require both money and time: women = money * time

Since Time is money: women = money * money

To condense this: women = money^2

Now, money is the root of all evil, so: women = (Root(all evil))^2

Square Root and Square cancel: women = all evil

Definition: Women are all evil.

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Not that that's true, of course

Why make your own mistakes when someone else has already made them for you?
-Learn from the skeletons floating in the piranha pool: NO SWIMMING!

Edited by - Whasp Commander on 30-01-2003 06:24:10

Hmmm it's funny how a two simple equations can explain so much!

Three guys are sitting on a park bench. The first guy pulls out a hypodermic needle and shoots himself full of heroin. He gives the needle to the second guy and he shoots himself full of heroin. The second guy gives the needle to the third guy and he shoots himself full of heroin. A man walks by and watches these three guys for a minute or two. He says, "hey, aren't you worried about getting AIDS?" One of the guys on the bench says, "no way. We have condoms on."

A kid didn't have a bathroom in his house, so when he had to go he went across the street and went to the bathroom in an alley behind a building. Of course the guy who owned the building didn't like this so he told the kid the next time he caught him he'd turn him in. One day the kid had to go really bad and finally he decided he had to take the chance and go in the alley. He went and relieved himself and was about to leave when he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He looked around and saw a coffee can so he put it over the evidence right before the guy who owned the building caught him. The guy said, "what are you doing back here? Have you been going to the bathroom in my alley?" The kid said, "no sir. You told me I can't do that anymore." The guy said, "well, what do you have under that coffee can?" The kid said, "oh, my leprechaun is under there." The guy said, "I don't believe you. Let me see him." The kid said, "no. He scares real easily, so I can't show you." The guy said, "oh yeah!" Then he grabbed the coffee can and yanked it away. The kid yelled, "what are you doing?! You squeezed the crap out of my leprechaun!!"

On the first day of school the first-grade teacher tells the kids they have to stop talking in baby talk. She says, "Billy, what did you do over the summer?" Billy says, "I went to visit my nana." The teacher says, "you're using baby-talk, Billy. Who did you visit?" Billy says, "I visited my grandma." The teacher says, "Sally, what did you do over the summer?" Sally says, "I got to take a ride on a choo choo." The teacher says, "you're using baby-talk, Sally. What did you ride on?" Sally says, "I rode on a train." The teacher says, "Bobby, what did you do over the summer?" Bobby says, "I read a book." The teacher says, "what was the name of the book?" Bobby says, "Winnie the s***."

Let's get those missiles ready to destroy the universe!!

Edited by - Ugnaught on 30-01-2003 22:01:04

Art Gallery Nudes

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."

Baby Talk

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "Of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again

All I Want Is a Beer!

A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please." The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis." The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink." The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something." So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin." The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?" Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order." The bartender says, "What'll ya have?" The man says, "A Bud Light please." The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?" The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman

Around christmas time last year I was walking into a shoping center and I saw this young boy sobbing away in a corner while pathetically clutching a wrinkled $50 note.

I went over to comfort the lad and ask him what was wrong. He said that his mother had given him two $50 bills to buy christmas presents for the entire family, this would be the first time in two years that there would be christmas presents under the tree as they were very poor.
Sadly for the boy, some older kids had seen him with this much money and had bundled him up in a corner, fortunately he had managed to escape and they were only able to take half his money.

I asked him "didn't you yell for help?" He nodded while holding back the tears. I asked him how loud did he yell, he gave a little yell "heeellllpp....".
I realised no-one would have been able to hear that patheitic little whimper, so I grabbed the other $50 and legged it out of there.

Yuppie Scumdogs

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"

***

Fairy Tale For Our Times

A Fairy Tale for the Woman of the New Millennium:

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.The frog hopped into the Princess' lap.
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am! Then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself.

"I don't f-ing think so."


***

Children's Books that Didn't Make the Cut

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Food
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

***

A Hooker and a Bungee Jump

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

==END==

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Would you care to follow me... --DEATH

ROTFLMAO!!! Those are classic Death.

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go to the Beach?

A: To have a Fist Fight in the Sand

- A Top Gun Through and Through -

I remember reading this some time ago so I can't fight the urge of posting it here:

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

***

[old but good

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

***

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son


Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

=END=

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Would you care to follow me... --DEATH

Found a nice site with quite interesting jokes. Might give a few laughs.

Light Bulb Jokes

How many pot smokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10, 1 to hold it in place and 9 to smoke up until the world starts spinning.

How many gainsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
101, 1 to screw it in and the other 100 to back him up.

Q: How many senior managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as managers can do to make the light bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many Help Desk people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: PC Repair has received your mail concerning your hardware problem and has assigned your request Service Order Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this case of trouble. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Q: How many support staff people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? O.K.. Just exactly how dark is it? O.K.. There could be four or five things wrong. Have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many integration testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just find the problem. We don't fix them.

Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the systems in all other offices. Why would YOURS not work?

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's a hardware problem.

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tell software to code around it.

Q: How many contract programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One always quits in the middle of a project.

Q: How many help desk techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I think that's a device driver problem.

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle....

hehe there good

There must be a lot of dark houses and offices around

Superb post DATD! All others were great to

Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country & Western Musicians with Their Translated "Country" Definitions


12 Tone Scale: The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailor truck with.


A 440: The highway that runs around Nashville.


Aeolian Mode: How you like Mama's cherry pie.


Altos: Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes."


Arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"


Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.


Bass: The things you run around in Softball.


Bassoon: Typical response when asked what you hope to catch and when.


Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.


Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives.


Cadenza: The ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off when company comes.


Cello: The proper way to answer the phone.


Clarinet: Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.


Clef: What you try to never fall off of.


Bass Clef: Where you wind up if you do fall off.


Conductor: The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.


Cut Time: Parole.


Cymbal: What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.


Diminished 5th: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.


1st Inversion: Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.


Major Scale: What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain; "Whew!" That was a major scale!"


Melodic Min.: Loretta Lynn's singing dad.


Minor 3rd: Your approximate age & grade at the completion of formal schooling.


Order of Sharps: What a wimp gets at the bar.


Passing Tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.


Perfect 5th: A full bottle of Jack Daniels.


Perfect Pitch: The smooth coating on a freshly paved road.


Pianissimo: "Refill this beer bottle."


Portamento: A foreign country you've always wanted to see.


1/4 tone: What most standard pickups can haul.


Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps.


Relative Minor: A girlfriend.


Repeat: What you do until they just expel you.


Ritard: There's one in every family.


Sonata: What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.


Staccato: How you did all your ceilings in your mobile home.


Tempo: Good choice for a used car.


Time Signature: What you need from your boss if your forget to clock in.


Transpositions: Men who wear dresses.


Treble: Women ain't nothin' but.


Tuba: A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"


Whole Note: What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.

***
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To the readers: READ NOW AND GET A FREE BONUS!

BONUS:

While an orchestra was playing Tschaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet overture, an elderly man in the audience wept and wept. "You must be an incurable romantic," said the woman seated next to him. "No," he said, "I'm a musician."

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Would you care to follow me... --DEATH