It just won''t go away

Sat Sep 17, 2005 1:21 am by Balthazar Furious

This is probably bad timing but Arania's post let me see the knowledge and helpfulness of some of TLR's members, so I'd like to ask for advice yet again; though I may have already asked for it on this issue before.

As some of you may have noticed from some of my previous posts I seem very callous and uncaring, oftentimes quite brutal and eagerly violent. This is because of a deep-seated rage and contempt I have gained from a certain organisation. A few of TLR's members already know the background so I won't bore you guys with it. But basically I'm losing control of myself. Every day it's like a battle in my mind. I'm fighting against all this hate and anger but I usually can't beat it. I succumb to it and it's changing me for the worse. When I do lose myself to it I almost become a different person, calculating, methodical and very cold.

Other times when it doesn't surface, I'm quite compassionate and caring, and I want to help people. It wouldn't be so bad but this civil war of sorts inside me has been causing massive depression for about five years now. I feel like I'm being mentally torn apart, my thoughts are scattered and sometimes I'm unable to concentrate properly. It's not just relegated to my mental health either, every time I get angry or fall prey to it, it puts my body under a lot of strain. I can feel it labour when I get angry and I'm getting all sorts of pains and aches. Sometimes at work I have so little energy I struggle to stay standing, and when I'm not in sight I just let my legs collapse and rest a while. I think I'm in danger of doing some real damage to my body and especially my heart, as it seems to be under strain and hurting quite a lot.

In other words, what should I do? I've considered therapy or something like that but I can't afford it, it costs so much money and now that I'm 18 I can't get it under government subsidy. Is there any sort of alternative I can use? I'm beginning to really get desperate for a way to just end all this madness I seem to have.

Sat Sep 17, 2005 7:54 am by blackhole

Ask yourself: "Why?" Why are you angry? And i cannot stress the power of forgiveness. This kind of anger is extremely unhealthy.

Sat Sep 17, 2005 8:26 am by Striker-1

All the advise and sugjestions are worthless, until one thing happenes. YOU have to make the choice to get help/ change things in your life. Until you do, the ideas are worthless. The decide what you want to do. Then ideas can be aplied to help. But, you have to want it.

Sat Sep 17, 2005 8:27 am by DemonSlayer

Either beat the **** out of something or take a pill, you'll feel better either way.

Sat Sep 17, 2005 9:25 am by Amedeus

Don't know your situation, I only know my own life experience.

do anything, dosn't matter what that it is so long as you enjoy it , a physical activity, woodworking, volunteer, or even go hiking, but the more u focus on whatever is upsetting you, the more it will, I'm not saying it will go away but if you can reflect on it while doing something you enjoy, you will acclimitize to the anger and get a better perpective.

things that bring a duality to our personalities can be very bad, and that's when you hear " he was a quiet person, we never would have seen this coming"

I know this dosn't make anything better, but the real you needs time to deal with it, give yourself the time to overcome it or accept it depending on whatever it is , just remember that it's your choice to be "you"

blackhole is right forgiveness has a great relieving power on our Psyche

Bear also has good point, help from other's only works if your willing to accept it

Whether you spectate or participate, Life Happens

Edited by - Amedeus on 9/17/2005 10:28:44 AM

Sat Sep 17, 2005 12:17 pm by Wilde

Demonslayer, happy pills have been found to be nearly useless. And beating people is hardly a healthy way of ridding oneself of anger, seeing as it can also encourage self-loathing.

Quite honestly Balthazar, try some form of meditation. Truly. It is the greatest practice for ridding oneself of anger, desire, fear...

Sat Sep 17, 2005 5:00 pm by arton alpha

have you tried meditation it helps me. i pop on some music (oddly enough hard rock)
and zone out, if that dosen't help i have a punching bag in the attic

Sun Sep 18, 2005 6:36 am by The Ninja

The only advice i have to you is to find something that you do that can induce a state of total relaxation, of toal nothingness, something that induces a 'zen' moment. Be it either a walk in the park, music, art, or just sitting on the roof looking at the scenery, it can be helpful to just lose your mind in nothing once in a while.

I cant tell you exactly what to do, im not psychic, it is something that you would have to find on your own.

and, demonslayer: Do you have anything decent to say? To me violence and drugs are not the answer. Personally I'd like to see you get in a state like some of these people so I can poke fun at your condition... wait i already do. verbal diaorrhea is a serious condition.

-:-
You wanna revolution?

Sun Sep 18, 2005 8:47 am by DemonSlayer

Pills might work for him

and I didn't say beat up someone, I said beat up something. It's destructive but it takes your anger away real quick.

Sun Sep 18, 2005 12:24 pm by Locutov

As Wilde said, Happy Pills are utterly useless.. they are like Penicilline, take too many, and your body will begin to adapt to them.

as for anger and beating someone, he wants to get rid of it, not succumb to it..

Sun Sep 18, 2005 2:07 pm by .Tawakalna

well Balthazar, Ia ctually do know what you're talking about. i feel that same rage every day directed towards a variety of individuals and organisations; I've had several major injustices doen to me over the years and have been roughly dealt with by certain people and I know, I know, it burns and rankles and you want to get even. I still do and some of these things are years ago.

but what would make it better? if i was to even the scores as these people deserve, some of them would be dead or crippled, and I'd be in jail or in a secure mental institution. now, how would that be better? quite often the best thingt o do is get on with your life and just lead a better life than your enemies want or expect you to. I have an enemy I really want to see dead, to kill him would rid the world of a wastrel p.o.s. that's done nothing but cause harm and misery wherever he goes; but is he worth going to jail for? as it is, i know he lives in squalor now, hated by everyone, no friends worth the mention, his ill-gotten gains having brought him nothing in the end - whereas i have a nice house and a wife who loves me and the respect of my friends and neigbours (I think!)

the desire to even the score and let out the frustration is a very strong one, I know it all too well, and beleive me, it may feel good at the time to let it go, but really, it achieves nothing and usually makes things a lot worse. if you don't do something about it or talk to someone it can drive you quite mad, and beleive me, you don't want that. there is no need to suffer, these days there's lots of help available. take my word for it - go and get some help, you'll be glad you did.

Sun Sep 18, 2005 5:21 pm by DemonSlayer

I feel rage toward terrorists

Mon Sep 19, 2005 12:58 am by zazie

Welcome to the club, Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hide

Only kidding, Balthazar

Your desciption of your problems give some contradictionnial information: one part is saying you are no more master of yourself or of what is happening with you. Other part claims to be aware what is going on.

So the answer is in you: If you really feel submitted to powers/emotions out of your control then I think you should see a doctor. This does not mean 'therapist'. I talk about a medical (psycho-somatic) approach. Honestly I'd advise you to see a doctor.

But If you think that fundamentally you can take care of your problems by youself, then - again - you have to give the answer:

Some people can calm down or control themselves with any kind of concentration, yoga, Zen, meditation, massage, mysticism, esoteric actions - whatever.
But for others (like e.g. me

) this approach does not work. They have to break out: sports like boxing, biking, running, other intense physical activity, going to the woods and cry out loudly and so on. Let it go.
(Personnally I break out faster than anything else: from 0 to 180 in 0.187 secs

)

It's up to you. And if you don't know: try it. Several times. Maybe sitting down and breathing only three times in two minutes helps. If you feel better then, go on this way. But if you feel even more anger, more pain, then break out.

A nice story to this topic:
In the 60's a son from a chief in Kenya studied in Germany. He worked for the Osram company (manufactury of electric bulbs). That's why he knew that there is a rate of faulty bulbs.
When years later he became chief by himself he made an arrangement with Osram. They shipped the faulty bulbs to Kenya, the chief payed the transport.
When ever he felt upset or anger he went into a specialö yard where he took some of the faulty bulbs - and smashed them onto the wall. Crrraackkk .

Wonderful.

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