kimk, stop being a doormat and stand up to your father.

Kimk, Yes, your dad could pull the "send them home" deal with you, essecially if honor is involved. If you have a school that you want to go to, make your case and present it to him. Show the evidenct that it is a good place to get the education, fees covered, it has a good reputation and so forth. I learn a lot through TR, including about differnt cultures. Some place high on responciblities, respect, honor to parents. You may have to abide by your dad's wishes, but, see if you can convence him of your choice, not argue, that won't help, but present a well thought out plan for the school of your choice.

Edited by - Finalday on 11/21/2004 7:52:11 PM

@kimk: accept my condolescence, pal, it must be real tough time for you now. Ok, first off, speaking about your father's ability to control you via the embassy. It depends a lot on whether he has relatives/close friends/co-drinkers () etc. working there. I don't think it's that easy to do. I'd consider it a threat and an attempt of the dad to show you how powerful and influential he is.
Actions you could take:
Learn sth from his past, especially concerning HIS relationships with HIS parents, and HIS willingness to obey their requests. This may not necesarily work, but still.
Try to talk to him in a very polite and respectful manner (I cannot overemphasize that - sho respect, respect, respect, and gratitude, of course), then start making your points (with all due respect, of course). Make sure your statements don't sound as contradiction to his opinion - you'd only get into more heated argument at no benefit that way). It could be worth reminding him that you're a man and have to learn to be responsible for your decisions and actions, and you can't learn that without making those decisions and actions, right? Now, your dad doesn't want to have a son who's unable to stand for himself,does he? () Of course not, he wants his son to be just as strong-willed and independent as he is, so he can be proud of his son, right?
Get authoritative opinions and evaluations (preferably positive ) of your choice. Just make sure they don't state that his choice is wrong - that would be a grave mistake!
And, of course, you would be more than proud of your father if he'd trust his son, right? You would of course give your father as an example of perfect dad to everyone who cares (and even to those who do not ).
Well, I guess you know where I'm heading. Your dad wants to be an authority and in charge of things, but at the same time wishes the best for his son? Good. Use it to your advantage. As I said, I don't know any father who wouldn't want his son to be at least somewhat similar to him (meaning strong, independent, able to stand for his opinion, etc., in short a person to be looked at with respect).
OK, enough talking when drunk, my wife just called, so I, being a strong and independent man, must run home
Good luck, kimk, keep us informed about your progress!

Life is only given once ... and most often by accident

@ff: is there some chip in your head that was flicked recently which turned you into the worlds greatest asshole? Its like everything that comes out of your mouth is insanely innapropriate or just outright useless.

Kimk has a problem, he needs to talk it out with us, thats good. You really think that a 16 year old standing up to and further alienating himslef from his father is a good idea. The guys future is in someone elses hands, how about a bit of objective thought here?

@Kimk: i think you need to get him round to your way of thinking. While he is still your legal guardian until you're legally recognised as an adult, im pretty sure he can what he likes...unfortunately. However maybe its just out of desperation that he said that. The thought of loosing his son to another country has left him with a sense of powerlessness over your life and an ever looming threat of "your father" is still the one in charge is possibly a way of controlling you. The legality of it i have no idea though. I think the real thing you need to do is discuss with your dad what you really want to, what you think he's doing to your future by putting restrictions on you. Just remember not to bring up "its my life, its my choice" as the unfortunate truth is that its not for a few years.

@ archie, i think my problem is the weather, hibernating till springtime should solve the problem

Edited by - freighter fighter on 11/21/2004 1:40:38 PM

Its a bit of a predicament you find yourself in kimk.

If you were to come to my beautiful yet wet, cold and miserable country, i doubt the korean embassy would be able to just take you out of here and just dump you in korea. The only way is if you murder someone in korea, fly over here, then you could be extradited (sp?).

As zlo said, your dad just wants what he thinks is best for you. You are his son after all.

I also agre with Arcon. Don't use "its my life, i can do what i want" attitude because that will make it infinately worse. Reason is the best course of action in a situation like this. Talk to him properly about this.

Most of the ideas already mentioned are good, and "talking things out" with your father is the best policy. Assuming that he has the power to yank you back to Korea, convincing him is your only option. Of course, you could always claim sanctuary .

claim sanctuary? i dont get that

as for convincing, he's no one to convince. one of those uber stuck up people who you can't get anything past. believe me, i've tried before. its best to let him think he's getting his way. he 'knows how to tread the world' would be the most appropriate translation of his claims.

i've presented every single thing from my side. A levels only take one and half years, i get a cert sooner. a job cert at that. i can go anywhere with it too. all i want dad to do is to foot half the remaining bills. mum here can't foot everything, that being whatever is left after my 100% scholarship. pretty scary huh ? a 100% scholarship is usually a definite path to that institute of education.

he keeps on crapping about the 'merits' of korea. how its leading in so many industries. patriotism is all good and that. but am i really gonna go into shipbuilding?

oh and, he says america can conquer russia. but england can't. he emphasises on 'the strength of science' whatever the F*** that is. also s***s about the strength of a country. dont ask me wtf that is either. but i need a case against that. isn't his argument that the UK can't conquer russia cause of the UN disarmament pact or something, which america isn't part of ?

and well, i've checked into another college. they're bargaining with me. they first offered 50%, they called today and put up 55%. then offered to look into a 10k waive, which is around 80%. mum stuck up for 100%. if i get that, then my dad'll be the doormat.

edit: oh and thanks for your input guys. i have, all my life, tried to talk things out with him. but he's just too stubborn, the main reason which all his other siblings got divorced by their respective wives. he wants to look like the boss of all things. i can only hope i dont turn out like him =/

Edited by - kimk on 11/22/2004 2:03:04 AM

@Kimk

Already answered, I think but to clarify, so long as you are under-age, not an "emancipated adult" most countries will recognize a right of a parent to exercise physical control over where a his/her child lives, etc. He'd probably have to go to a court or administrative office in the ROK to get a legal order that would then be executed by the local embassy where you live. But it is not impossible for him to do this IF you are a minor.

AND, very importantly, your mother should have a legal say in what happens to you tool.

If you are dead serious about this, in some countries, there are laws that permit
an underaged person to become legally declared emancipated but it requires proof that such underaged person really and truly is able to take care of himself both physically and mentally (i.e. makes enough money to support self, knows how to manage finances, feed self, etc., etc.) but this also depends upon whose laws you are a citizen of.

So what is the legal definition of a minor in the RoK? Is it age 21 or 18? If you are younger than that, you may have a bit of an issue.

But you are ignoring your mother. Is she also a citizen of the country where you reside? If she also is a local citizen, it might be possible that you are a citizen of both countries(?). If you are a citizen of both countries, it makes things a little bit more complicated for your father because the local embassy could be said to be interfering with the rights of one of its own citizens as well, in which case it might not be as easy as your father says it is at all.

I don't know why your father thinks US school are so much better for you. Probably looks at it from the standpoint of what would work best for you, economically, as far as a future in the RoK is concerned. If that is the case he may be right but only because of the politics involved, not necessarily the quality of your education.

kimk.... what you may be thinking about are very big decisions for you. Is there no one in your local circle of contacts, an uncle, aunt, teacher or trusted adult acquaintance who can help to guide you through this situation?

Edited by - Indy11 on 11/22/2004 7:44:37 AM

trusted adult acquaintence would be TLR i'll wait till the end of this week, where all major moves will be made. dad wants the certs see? well when i get my cert, i'll also be making my moves. giving a copy to the college i want to enrol in. i will, of course, be sending him his copy, as it is only fair to level the plaing field.

then it'll be another week of waiting i think. if the other college im looking at, which also happens to be alot closer, eliminating transportation problems, gives me the full scholarship, i will be able to ignore all my dad's threats whatsoever and take shelter in that college or something.

might even turn it physical. get hold of some sniper rifles to snipe down all incoming korean officials come to drag me back.

Just remember one thing about your Dad. He really and truly wants what is best for you and he wants to keep you from making what he thinks are mistakes that are avoidable. You should always acknowledge this, recognize this desire of his and respect it for what it is in words to him, directly. Including a "thank you" in the process.

Part of this process in your dealings with him should include ways for you to try to talk to him as an adult. By this, I mean that you will have to consider how you've been talking to him so far and to see whether you've been talking to him as if you were a child or as a grown man who is ready, willing and able make decisions for himself, right or wrong.

Think about how he talks to you and see whether his way of talking automatically takes you into child mode. If it does, work on ways to stay out of child mode. Fairly universal for men is to talk actual facts as a sign of maturity. This means both the main point of your argument but also the backup research you have done to cover all the bases. And then, of course, to stick to those facts.

I'm not saying that it will work but you are going to have to keep showing him that you are mature enough to make this decision and that this is the decision that you intend to live by.

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claim sanctuary? i dont get that

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Well it's not technically "sanctuary", perhaps "political asylum" would be a better term .

asylum seeking is a hot potato at the moment in rosey england

I'm glad I was wearing my asbestos gloves when I posted that .