Thu Sep 02, 2004 12:32 pm
For sw, is this what you want?
It wasn't deliberate
Dearest Tarien
This letter contains the story of my life. I hope that you will understand me better when you have read it. Please do no stop reading before you have reached the end.
I grew up together with fifteen other kids, I still don't know why we were so many. My parents probably liked children very much. Maybe they haven't heard about family-planning, but that doesn't matter anymore.
We were happy even though we were so many. Dad had a good job at the railway company and we always had enough of everything. Until the accident. Dad stumbled on the rails and a train went over his legs. Many of the town's people said that Dad wanted to get run over by the train, but it isn't true!
Dad's salary was much more than his pension; he really wouldn't have exchanged his salary for pension. Everything changed after the accident. Dad couldn't move without help, somebody always had to be there for him.
Mom started drinking after the accident. There were less and less days when she was sober. The best of all, if she was sober the day, she would fight with my dad about the lack of food. It wasn't even his fault; she was the one who would carouse with our money.
We never had money for food anymore. We had to learn to be satisfied with one sandwich a day. Our clothes were full of holes, my one sister tried to fix it, but the thread ran out as well.
Mom started moaning that there were not enough money for everything we needed, not that she ever bough anything but alcohol. The only thing Dad could do was watch, I think he felt very bad because he couldn't do anything for us.
One day a strange man came home with my mom. We were ordered to play outside until he left. The next day another man came, and the day after. After the first few days I realised that my mom was selling herself for money.
I was against the ground with shock and humiliation. My mom sells herself for alcohol! If she did it for money, I might have understood it, but for alcohol?!
Even though there was extra money, we still had to go to school hungry. One of the guys brought me a sandwich every day, but in exchange for it I had to do a trick. I only had one trick I could do; fall face first to the ground without stopping myself.
I hated those guys. The liked to see how I humiliate and hurt myself and that for a sandwich.
One day when I arrived home from school one of my mom's regular "clients" was on his way home. Just as I went into the house I heard him say: "Nice boy you have there, he could make you a lot of money" Mom looked at him strangely for a while, but suddenly she had a smile on her face.
Mom was waiting for me when I arrived home from school the next day. Suddenly I had a cold feeling in my stomach. Mom's words confirmed my fears "Hurry up Jack, there is someone waiting for you in my room."
From that day my life was a living hell. I wished with all my heart that I could get away from there. The only bit of luck in it all was that we could use the money for clothes and food.
One day when I took some food for him, Dad asked me where the money for it came from. I thought he knew everything, that's what Mom said. I'll never forget the expression he had on his face when he heard where the money came from.
Mom never talked to Dad anymore, I had to look after him. The other children did whatever they wanted to, I didn't have the strength to look after them as well.
The next three years I had to help my mom to "entertain" her men. The only thing that kept me going was my regular chats with Dad. I could see that he is blaming himself for what I had to go through.
Dad called me the day I finished with school. He said that he had an address of someone who would give me a job. At first I didn't want to go, because that would mean that Dad had no-one to look after him, but he urged me to go.
My heart was ripped in two. I told Dad that I needed time to think. I had the chance to get away from everything I hated so much, I could be free, do what I want to do.. But who would look after Dad if I went away, who would make sure that the other children had food?
In the end I let Dad persuade to go away. I promised him that I would visit as often as possible, but he told me to stay away as far as possible. I wanted to send Dad and the other children money, but I knew that Mom would get it first.
Mom didn't speak to me again after she heard that I would be going away. Probably because she would have less money for alcohol. I was so glad to get away from her, thanks to her my life was hell.
I started working two days after I left home. It was a wonderful time. For the first time in ages I could wear clothes that I have chosen, I could eat proper food.
After two months I got a promotion, but the happiness about it didn't last long. My new manager was one of my mom's regular "clients" and in the past I had to help her to "entertain" him. He called me and told me that he wanted to make use of my "services" again, in the event that I should refuse, I would lose my job.
I resigned the next day. I couldn't go through that hell again, couldn't! That town would never see me again, I decided to move to another town in another province on the opposite side of the country. I just had to say bye to Dad first, take him a present.
It was the perfect present. Dad always wanted a pipe like that. In my mind I could see the happy expression on his face when I give him the pipe. I couldn't wait to see Dad, I ran down the last road toward home.
Mom was busy with a departing "client" when I arrived home. By his expression I could see that he was satisfied with what he got. Mom stopped me when I wanted to go into the house. I wanted to push her away at first, but her words shocked me to immobility. Then I turned around and started running.
Dad was dead. I wandered around on the road, I couldn't believe it. I never should have left the house. If I had stayed he could have been alive now.
It was then when you found me, I'll never forget that day. I walked onto the road, right in front of your car. Your dad stood there scolding me, until you got out of the car, then he calmed down. I couldn't keep my eyes off you. With your raven black hair and blue eyes which were shining like diamonds, you were the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.
If it wasn't for you, your dad would have left me there next to the road. You know the rest of the story, your dad gave me a job and accommodation. The only problem that was left, was that I was in love with my bosses daughter and she was engaged…
I think your dad would have been very angry with me if he knew how happy I was when I heard that you broke off you engagement. The sky was never so blue, the mountains never so beautiful as the day that I found out that you loved me as well. I was stumped when your dad invited me for dinner.
I was totally bowled over when I arrived at your home and found only you there. The weeks that followed was heaven on earth for me. Time after time I wanted to tell you about my past, but I could never do it. Not even when we got engaged.
Yesterday you asked me why I have been so quiet the past few days, the reason is very simple. Four days ago I got a letter from my mom, I don't know how she knew where to find me, but I guess it doesn't matter. In the letter she told me that she knew all about my current life and that she just wanted to let me know that one of my regular "clients" died a few days ago. The cause was AIDS.
I really thought that I was rid of my past. I'm basically married and now I hear this. I have the most wonderful fiancé that you can get and now there is no chance that we can get married.
You will probably not understand it, but I cannot continue with my life. I can't live without you. I'm sorry that I have to hurt you like this, but I rather hurt you than make you sick. Why does everything happen to me? Why do I have to struggle and get hurt because of something my mother did?
I read the following piece a while ago, now I want to give it to you, please remember that I mean it with my whole heart.
"And if I go,
While you're still here…
Know that I live on,
Vibrating a different measure
-behind a thin veil you cannot see through
you will not see me.
So you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again.
-Both aware of each other.
Until then live your life to its fullest
and if you need me,
just whisper my name in your heart
…I will be there"
Remember; I love you very, very much and if I had a choice I wouldn't be writing this letter
All my love
Jack.
It wasn't deliberate
Dearest Tarien
This letter contains the story of my life. I hope that you will understand me better when you have read it. Please do no stop reading before you have reached the end.
I grew up together with fifteen other kids, I still don't know why we were so many. My parents probably liked children very much. Maybe they haven't heard about family-planning, but that doesn't matter anymore.
We were happy even though we were so many. Dad had a good job at the railway company and we always had enough of everything. Until the accident. Dad stumbled on the rails and a train went over his legs. Many of the town's people said that Dad wanted to get run over by the train, but it isn't true!
Dad's salary was much more than his pension; he really wouldn't have exchanged his salary for pension. Everything changed after the accident. Dad couldn't move without help, somebody always had to be there for him.
Mom started drinking after the accident. There were less and less days when she was sober. The best of all, if she was sober the day, she would fight with my dad about the lack of food. It wasn't even his fault; she was the one who would carouse with our money.
We never had money for food anymore. We had to learn to be satisfied with one sandwich a day. Our clothes were full of holes, my one sister tried to fix it, but the thread ran out as well.
Mom started moaning that there were not enough money for everything we needed, not that she ever bough anything but alcohol. The only thing Dad could do was watch, I think he felt very bad because he couldn't do anything for us.
One day a strange man came home with my mom. We were ordered to play outside until he left. The next day another man came, and the day after. After the first few days I realised that my mom was selling herself for money.
I was against the ground with shock and humiliation. My mom sells herself for alcohol! If she did it for money, I might have understood it, but for alcohol?!
Even though there was extra money, we still had to go to school hungry. One of the guys brought me a sandwich every day, but in exchange for it I had to do a trick. I only had one trick I could do; fall face first to the ground without stopping myself.
I hated those guys. The liked to see how I humiliate and hurt myself and that for a sandwich.
One day when I arrived home from school one of my mom's regular "clients" was on his way home. Just as I went into the house I heard him say: "Nice boy you have there, he could make you a lot of money" Mom looked at him strangely for a while, but suddenly she had a smile on her face.
Mom was waiting for me when I arrived home from school the next day. Suddenly I had a cold feeling in my stomach. Mom's words confirmed my fears "Hurry up Jack, there is someone waiting for you in my room."
From that day my life was a living hell. I wished with all my heart that I could get away from there. The only bit of luck in it all was that we could use the money for clothes and food.
One day when I took some food for him, Dad asked me where the money for it came from. I thought he knew everything, that's what Mom said. I'll never forget the expression he had on his face when he heard where the money came from.
Mom never talked to Dad anymore, I had to look after him. The other children did whatever they wanted to, I didn't have the strength to look after them as well.
The next three years I had to help my mom to "entertain" her men. The only thing that kept me going was my regular chats with Dad. I could see that he is blaming himself for what I had to go through.
Dad called me the day I finished with school. He said that he had an address of someone who would give me a job. At first I didn't want to go, because that would mean that Dad had no-one to look after him, but he urged me to go.
My heart was ripped in two. I told Dad that I needed time to think. I had the chance to get away from everything I hated so much, I could be free, do what I want to do.. But who would look after Dad if I went away, who would make sure that the other children had food?
In the end I let Dad persuade to go away. I promised him that I would visit as often as possible, but he told me to stay away as far as possible. I wanted to send Dad and the other children money, but I knew that Mom would get it first.
Mom didn't speak to me again after she heard that I would be going away. Probably because she would have less money for alcohol. I was so glad to get away from her, thanks to her my life was hell.
I started working two days after I left home. It was a wonderful time. For the first time in ages I could wear clothes that I have chosen, I could eat proper food.
After two months I got a promotion, but the happiness about it didn't last long. My new manager was one of my mom's regular "clients" and in the past I had to help her to "entertain" him. He called me and told me that he wanted to make use of my "services" again, in the event that I should refuse, I would lose my job.
I resigned the next day. I couldn't go through that hell again, couldn't! That town would never see me again, I decided to move to another town in another province on the opposite side of the country. I just had to say bye to Dad first, take him a present.
It was the perfect present. Dad always wanted a pipe like that. In my mind I could see the happy expression on his face when I give him the pipe. I couldn't wait to see Dad, I ran down the last road toward home.
Mom was busy with a departing "client" when I arrived home. By his expression I could see that he was satisfied with what he got. Mom stopped me when I wanted to go into the house. I wanted to push her away at first, but her words shocked me to immobility. Then I turned around and started running.
Dad was dead. I wandered around on the road, I couldn't believe it. I never should have left the house. If I had stayed he could have been alive now.
It was then when you found me, I'll never forget that day. I walked onto the road, right in front of your car. Your dad stood there scolding me, until you got out of the car, then he calmed down. I couldn't keep my eyes off you. With your raven black hair and blue eyes which were shining like diamonds, you were the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.
If it wasn't for you, your dad would have left me there next to the road. You know the rest of the story, your dad gave me a job and accommodation. The only problem that was left, was that I was in love with my bosses daughter and she was engaged…
I think your dad would have been very angry with me if he knew how happy I was when I heard that you broke off you engagement. The sky was never so blue, the mountains never so beautiful as the day that I found out that you loved me as well. I was stumped when your dad invited me for dinner.
I was totally bowled over when I arrived at your home and found only you there. The weeks that followed was heaven on earth for me. Time after time I wanted to tell you about my past, but I could never do it. Not even when we got engaged.
Yesterday you asked me why I have been so quiet the past few days, the reason is very simple. Four days ago I got a letter from my mom, I don't know how she knew where to find me, but I guess it doesn't matter. In the letter she told me that she knew all about my current life and that she just wanted to let me know that one of my regular "clients" died a few days ago. The cause was AIDS.
I really thought that I was rid of my past. I'm basically married and now I hear this. I have the most wonderful fiancé that you can get and now there is no chance that we can get married.
You will probably not understand it, but I cannot continue with my life. I can't live without you. I'm sorry that I have to hurt you like this, but I rather hurt you than make you sick. Why does everything happen to me? Why do I have to struggle and get hurt because of something my mother did?
I read the following piece a while ago, now I want to give it to you, please remember that I mean it with my whole heart.
"And if I go,
While you're still here…
Know that I live on,
Vibrating a different measure
-behind a thin veil you cannot see through
you will not see me.
So you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again.
-Both aware of each other.
Until then live your life to its fullest
and if you need me,
just whisper my name in your heart
…I will be there"
Remember; I love you very, very much and if I had a choice I wouldn't be writing this letter
All my love
Jack.
(we had to read these essays to the class)
.