So I get married in 9 days. Groovy.

But before I do, I believe its my duty to inform you of the scam that has now become the UK's Wedding Industry. Its something I've been annoyed at for almost a year now, and now seems like the correct time to rant (I can get away with it because everyone can put it down to "last minute nerves" ).

Its not weddings that gives couples the nerves - its the thousands and thousands of pounds that is forked out for 1 day and the sheer weight of organisation that goes into the whole thing. And the funny thing is - people just don't notice. I don't understand why we are bothering - I simply don't get it. When I've been to weddings in the past, I've come away thinking "oh such and such was nice" or "that thingy was a nice touch"....but if I'd known the pain the couple must have gone through and the sheer extent of the debt they will have put themselves in, just so I could say "oh that was nice" I really would have told them not to bother.

But thats not the way it works unfortunately. No no no. This day and age, a wedding isn't a celebration of the unity of two people who love each other. Its one enormous commercial money making scheme. You don't realise until you go through it, just how many people out there have made themselves stinking rich from selling "wedding balloons", "wedding cake", "wedding shoes" or something equally menial and pathetic.

But the way it works is simple, its like one large money grabbing chain....follow me...You decide you're going to have a meal for 60 after your wedding, so you visit a couple of venues who tell you that its going to cost £x,000 to hire the venue and the somewhere between £40 and £90 per person per meal....you instantly think, hang on, how much??!! So you shop around for a caterer who will charge somewhere between £20 and £60 per person per meal, which although only marginally different, over 60 people could save you a fortune.

So you approach your favourite venue about using the caterer and they say "not unless you are going to use a marquee, no external caterers INSIDE the building". So you enquire about a marquee, and the venue says it can be arranged for £xx,000. Wow! you think. Thats a lot of dosh, let me see if I can get a cheaper marquee. So you shop around and find a cheaper marquee and reapproach the venue. The venue then tells you "thats fine by us, however we will be charging you for use of the land - which is £x,000". By now, you've spent well into 5 figures.

Then the caterer recommends a wedding cake maker. Who in turn recommends a cutlery provider, who recommends a tableware (glasses, plates etc) provider, who recommends a table provider, who recommends a printer that can do your table plan and table numbers, who recommend the people who can lay a floor in your marquee, who recommend a stage builder, who recommend a band, who recommend a lighting specialist to illuminate your currently pitch black marquee.

Ouch.

So you've got your venue, your caterer, your tables, your plates, glasses and cutlery, a dancefloor, a mini stage, some lighting and a band. You have a table plan, table numbers, table cloths and a wedding cake. But it all looks a bit drab, so you consider table decor....a florist. You find a florist who gleefully rubs her hands together and begins to inform you that its the "done thing" to put flowers on the tables and around the marquee, inside and outside of your church (in fact, the vicar expects it!)....not to mention the bride's bouquet, the groom's button hole, the father's button holes, the best man's button hole, the usher's button hole, the elder bridesmaid's corsage, the bouqet's for the younger bridesmaids and of course a Prayer Book for the page boy. ****!!!!

Then we move onto clothes. The wedding dress of course, well, they're mostly tailor made nowadays...luckily men aren't so fussy so we just hire the wedding suits. The bridesmaids get tailor made dresses and of course (these are women after all) they all get matching shoes.

I'm not even half done here...!!...but I really am not going to bore you any more with the finer elements of details (invites, order of services, rsvps, outdoor seating and heating, toilets etc etc etc *yawn*)....but there's one last thing I want to rant about....CORKAGE.

Corkage, the bane of every married couple, the joy of every venue owner. In a dictionary, Corkage should read "when a venue screws you for ridiculous amounts of cash because he can".

For those of you not familiar with term "corkage"....this is when you get charged because you decided to provide your own alcohol for your party. Hire a marquee, put it in the grounds of a nice stately home (which doesn't have a bar), insert a small bar in the corner of the marquee to provide your guests with drinks. The venue will then charge you upwards of £10 per bottle for every bottle of wine OPENED. £2+ for every pint poured and anywhere upwards of £20 per bottle of spirits that are OPENED. At a wedding of say 100 guests, your Corkage bill alone (not including the price of the alcohol in the first place - and the guy you are getting to serve it)will be upwards of £4000. Thats £4K+ for the PRIVILEGE of drinking in the grounds of your stately home. What a ****ing rip off. How do they get away with it? Simple really - THEY ALL DO IT! In fact, there's even a price war going on with corkage....often the choice of venue is the one with lowest corkage rate because the one thing that your guests are guaranteed to do, is drink.

So there ya go. Welcome to wedding hell. Yes I know it will be fine on the day. Yes I know its all about "the two of us". YES YES I KNOW!! Its scary how many people have said that to me. Yes yes yes yes yes, stop with the bull**** buzz phrases!! The fact of the matter is, this whole thing is ****ing ridiculous. Put yourself in debt for 10 years for one day - a day that no one will care if the tables hold 8 or 10 people, or if the lighting is dead centre, or if the stage is exactly 14" high - no-one cares!!! Its ridiculous. I want to marry the girl I love, not line scam-artist's pockets with gold.

So next time you get invited to a wedding, bare in mind what I've just told you. Consider what the bride and groom are REALLY going through. They're not nervous about marrying each other....they're nervous that everything they've organised and paid for could go wrong in a split second. And if you're thinking of getting married? Do it small, do it quick and do it romantically. There's nothing romantic about the industry known as "weddings" believe me.

Anyone share my rant or are my words falling on deaf ears?