Entry 3

A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Im sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."

A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."

When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

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Entry 4

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man.

So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?"

"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.

"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, he landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.

Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.

"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.

"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.

And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.

He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart. They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest.

Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...

Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad. This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber. However, this time the officials were going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...

Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc.

But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!"

The guy replied, "I just like bananas."

So, the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!"

"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor."

Entry 5

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.

Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.

One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.

To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.

"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.

"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

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Entry 6

A group of dentists decided to set up a new surgery. Since competition in their area was quite fierce, they wanted their new business to have something unique about it.
After much thought, they decided to set up shop on board a boat, moored on the banks of the river. As an added bonus, they also offered river crossings in the boat, with the dentistry work being performed during the crossing.
The business quickly became known as the Tooth Ferry.


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Entry 7

At Sydney Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a QANTAS flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al Gebra movement. He has been charged with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

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Contributions of various ladies and gents of ClassicBattletech Forum.
Come up with your own bad pun. DO your worst!

a blacksmith takes on a new apprentice, after showing his new apprentice around, he picks up a hammer, and says to the apprentice,

" see this hammer? i want you to make one just like it, i have to go away for the day on business, and i expect the hammer to be here when i return "

the aprentice looks at the hammer and thinks to himself " there is no way i can make a hammer like that, i know i will go and buy one "

so off he goes to buy a hammer, feeling very pleased with himself. His boss comes back later that day, and his aprentice shows him the hammer, the boss is impressed, so he says to his aprentice "perfect, now make 100 more just like it "

*cringe*

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You're ejected from the contest on grounds of submitting a non-pun joke.

OK prepare to groan.....
1) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

2)Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.
Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then,looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold says........
"I'll be Bach."

3)A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

4)These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

5)A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He
came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the
other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man
reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that
readers digest and writers cramp

6)When she told me I was average, she was just being mean

7)A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a
famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted
to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

9)I was driving to the office one morning, when I got a phone call from my boss.
"You've been promoted" he said, and I was so surprised that I swerved.
A few minutes later, I got another call. "You've been given a raise". I was so excited that I swerved again.
Later I got a third call. "You've been made CEO". And I swerved again and ran into a tree.
As I was waiting there, I saw a policeman. "what happened?" he asked.
"I careered off the road..."

10)And finally there was a silly fool on a forum who posted ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make someone laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


----------------------------------------
Eat a third and drink a third and leave the remaining third of your stomach empty.
Then, when you get angry, there will be sufficient room for your rage.

After having an accident on the car's rug, the puppy was stripped of his car pet privileges

You asked for it!

Dealing with Pit Agorus the tradesman:

Brown Eagle had proved himself to be a very brave warrior and was now entitled to take a wife. He chose the most beautiful squaw in the village. Before the wedding he jumped on his horse and rode to the Trading Post. He said to the trader, "I am marrying the most beautiful squaw in my village; I want a special wedding gift for her." The trader suggested a large soft buffalo hide. That night Brown Eagle rolled up in the buffalo hide with his beautiful squaw.

Brown Eagle had become the most heroic warrior of his tribe and was able to take another wife. He chose the most beautiful squaw of his whole tribe. Again he hopped on his horse and rode to the Trading Post, telling the trader "I am marrying the most beautiful squaw of my whole tribe, I want a special gift for her." The trader suggested a beautiful bear hide that would keep her very warm on the cold winter nights. That night Brown Eagle rolled up in the bear hide with his beautiful squaw.

Brown Eagle went on to become the Chief of the whole nation and could now take a third wife. He chose the most beautiful squaw in the whole nation and again, jumped on his horse, galloped to the Trading Post and said to the trader, "I am now big Chief, I am marrying the most beautiful squaw in the whole nation, I want a special wedding gift for her." The trader said, "I have on my shelf a hippopotamus hide. It’s the only hide like it in the country. It is thick, soft leather. It is huge. It will never wear out. Your squaw can wrap herself in it in the long winter nights and never be cold". That night Brown Eagle rolled up in the hippopotamus hide with his beautiful squaw.

Brown Eagle decided that it was time to settle down and raise a family.
His three squaws got pregnant at the same time. When they gave birth, the squaw on the buffalo hide had a baby girl, while the squaw on the bear hide had a baby boy, but the squaw on the hippopotamus hide had twins – a boy and a girl.

This demonstrates that: The Squaw of the Hippopotamus is Equal to the Sum of the Squaws of the other two Hides.

PS: Think geometry

Lazy Boy
________________________
I'm not a complete idiot.
I'm missing parts!

Edited by - Lazy_Boy on 02-07-2003 12:40:21

eh?

I told you. He asked for it. It's not only a bad pun it's an educationnal one as well.

Look up Pythagorean Theorem.

Lazy Boy
________________________
I'm not a complete idiot.
I'm missing parts!

Ungh you guy should tarded, feathered and summarily shot for these groaners.

spoonerisms: ( named after rev. spooner who kept wixing his mords up )

He said he grown strong from all his dancing, but no-one believed him.
It was obvious to all that he was bearing waltz fitness.

I'm a baker for the army. When I go to war, I go in all buns glazing.


There was a group of football fans who would only go to matches when they could wear a feathered head-dress.
Of course, they needed a sunny day for it, so they became known as wear-feather fans.

... i mean mordsing his wix up...... hell you get the idea

I smell a bump on the way

no more please no more