Bringing back some humour to the TLR off-topic forum

Mon Jun 09, 2003 8:35 pm by Recusant

OK, this forum has been filled with doom n gloom lately and I think what we need are some humour threads to get people perked up again, feel free to add some of your own stuff

This is tooooo funny but perhaps a little bit big for 56K users anyway, click here

Something 56K users can enjoy too:
Signs That You Are Too Drunk...
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering

Beer Troubleshooting:
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

----------------------------------------
Eat a third and drink a third and leave the remaining third of your stomach empty.
Then, when you get angry, there will be sufficient room for your rage.

Edited by - Recusant on 09-06-2003 21:36:26

Mon Jun 09, 2003 8:54 pm by Arcon

I dont know if ive posted about this site before but what the hey:

REJECTED BRAND NAMES FOR
"I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER"
10. "Yes, It Is Margarine"
9. "Did You Say It’s Butter? Oh You Didn’t..."
8. "Pffffffff!"
7. "Yellow Spread"
6. "Death Block 478"
5. "I Can’t Believe It’s Not The Blood Of Christ"
4. "I Can’t Believe It’s A Lump Of Solidified Oil"
3. "It Smells Like Butter"
2. "I Can Almost Believe It Isn’t Margarine"
1. "At Least It Isn’t Spunk"

WAYS TO RUIN A CYBER-SEX SESSION
10. "Before we begin, do you know of any sites where I can download nude images of Meg Ryan?"
9. "BRB - I gotta change the CD. Can’t beat some more Iron Maiden!!!!!!!!"
8. "Sorry. I don’t do oral cyber-sex."
7. "Oops. Sorry. Gotta go."
6. "Oh baby, and then I pull down my pants and I crap all over your floor."
5. ":-P"
4. "Wait, a sec - am I supposed to be ****ing off while I type?"
3. "wArEZ rULez!!!!!!!!"
2. "This isn’t costing me anything extra is it?"
1. "Hang on. I just gotta unclog the mouse from last time."

HOW TO EXPLAIN THE FACTS OF LIFE TO A CHILD
10. “You remember what Woofy did to the arm of the sofa? Well, that’s what mummy and daddy do to each other to make babies.”
9. “It’s like shaking a bottle of lemonade very hard, and then letting it
gush up it into a rubber glove.”
8. “Observe as I hammer this pound of sausages into the turkey’s neck-hole...”
7. “Try to imagine a big, pink lorry driving into a very narrow tunnel
surrounded by black, wiry grass, and... ohhh... yessssss!”
6. “...And then a billion tiny fishies try to kiss the egg.”
5. “Now, watch very closesly as I take your mother from behind.”
4. “So, basically, I do exactly the same thing as that, except I do it
between your mother’s legs. Get me a tissue, would you, son?”
3. “And after we’ve done all that, your mother removes the diaphragm,
rinses it off, and puts it back in the bedside drawer.”
2. “And then the bee stimulates the bird’s clitoris until its vagina is properly lubricated...”
1. Fetch me the dog.”

more if these arent horribly sensored..>

-arcon
------

Mon Jun 09, 2003 8:56 pm by Wizard

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity
Cogito ergo sum
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
No kebab for me, thank you
Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Oh, I just couldn't-no one wants to hear me sing!

-- Gamer Heaven, where the screenshots are never blurry, and the script kiddies get publically kicked around. -#reallife

Join the army against the Chaos
An offer you cannot refuse

Mon Jun 09, 2003 8:59 pm by Recusant

This is how to ruin a cyber sex session:

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

BritneySpears14: Aight.

bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.

bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.

bloodninja: Me too baby.

BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.

bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

BritneySpears14: Hey...

bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.

bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.

BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.

bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.

bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.

bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.

bloodninja: Baby?

Mon Jun 09, 2003 10:18 pm by Wizard

Don't let it get to sexual guys...

-- Gamer Heaven, where the screenshots are never blurry, and the script kiddies get publically kicked around. -#reallife

Join the army against the Chaos
An offer you cannot refuse

Tue Jun 10, 2003 12:30 am by maswastage|BG

How to know if "The Matrix has you"

I didn't feel like copy-pasting the whole thing, I just posted the link...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tue Jun 10, 2003 1:06 am by Locutov

Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't

Recoilless rifles - aren't.

Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they're ready.
when you're not.

No PLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuses always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.

Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)

Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.

Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.

The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.

When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.

The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.

A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
Murphy was a grunt.

Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, (and especially during both.)

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction in terms

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.

The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.

The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.

Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.

There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.

If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.

If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.

Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.

Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.

The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).

There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.

The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.

Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.

As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.

Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.

Walking point = sniper bait.

Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.

If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.

All or any of the above combined

credit to murphy's law

Tue Jun 10, 2003 1:07 am by Setsuna

..... *cough* *cough* *choke* *choke* *flatline____________*

Careful what you wish... You might just get it.

Tue Jun 10, 2003 3:30 am by Huffer

Huffer strikes again!

First Date

Some poor bastard's first date went like this:

6:00 pm
arrives at girls house
is told she is getting ready
father stares menacingly from across the den

6:10 pm
father blinks
girl comes down half naked to find bra
father covers boys eyes

6:30 pm
girl is finally ready
get in car
wont start
father gives advise

6:45 pm
car starts
girls sleeping cat dies inside car
car smells

7:00 pm
movie sold out
only movie avaliable: Shallow Hal

7:01 pm
leave in disgust
go out to dinner

7:10 pm
arrive at resterant
no reservation
has to slip waiter $100 to get table

7:15 pm
asks to go to bathroom

7:20 pm
goes in stall
glasses fall in toilet

7:25 pm
realizes glasses fell in toilet after taking a dump
must reach in to get glasses

7:26 pm
faucet is broken
no towels must use tp
leaves white stuff on lenses and hands

7:45 pm
returns red-faced from all the cleaning
girl stares at him weird
said she ordered for them both

8:45 pm
food arrives

8:46 pm
takes first bite
finds it tasty

8:47 pm
asks what it is

8:48 pm
in the bathroom again

9:00 pm
finally nothing left in his stomach
returns to table

9:01 pm
girl says she didn't know he was alergic to oysters
asks to go dancing
boy can't dance but says yes

9:15 pm
returns to table with swollen feet
asks waiter for the strongest drink in the house
they bring him tap water
tounge is so numb from throwing up he can't tell the difference

9:20 pm
bill arrives
girl suggests going dutch
boy refuses as to not look cheep
only has enough to leave a $.01 tip
says to himself the service wasn't that good anyway

9:25 pm
boy makes mental note to seek medical attention for the black
eye the waiter gave him

9:30 pm
girl suggests going to make-out point
boy happily agrees

9:40 pm
arrives at make-out point

9:41 pm
sees girls parents in the next car

9:42 pm
moves to other side of the point

9:45 pm
heavy making out

9:46 pm
hears a knock on car window
rolls down window
girls father asks for a condom
boy floors it
father still walks with a limp

10:00 pm
arrives back at girls house
boy makes move to kiss girl
dad turns out light
girl yells "thanks dad now we can be really uninhibited"
light comes back on

10:05 pm
attempt at goodnight kiss
boy misses and falls onto girl, face on chest

10:06 pm
boy makes mental note to seek medical attention for stinging
cheek

10:10 pm
gets into car
car won't start
dad comes out with a baseball bat
steps up to side of car
car starts
boy floors it
dad walks with a limp in the other leg too

11:20 pm
arrives at home
boys dad asked how the date went
boy crys

11:21 pm
father wonders if boy is gay

Tue Jun 10, 2003 3:51 am by Setsuna

*revived* What happened? *looks around* *sees+reads Huffer's post*

... *choke* *heavy choke* *flatline...AGAIN__________________*

Careful what you wish... You might just get it.

Edited by - Cpbuja on 10-06-2003 12:48:42

Tue Jun 10, 2003 4:07 am by lord of sunsystem

************************L o n g . .. . l o n g.. .. .. a g o.......**************************

***********t h e r e**a r e**t w o**g r e a t***m i n d s**i n**t h e**u n i v e r s e**********

*****t h e y***a r e***t h e*** p o s i t i v e***s i d e***r u l e d***b y***l o r d j e s s y****

*a n d***t h e***d a r k***s i d e***o f***u n i v e r s e***r u l e d***b y***e v i l w i z a r d*
(starwas music stops)

**Stop making these kind of posts!***mind 2 wizad
**Stop stopping me making these kind of posts***mind1 jessy

**you freak me out ,jessy***mind2
**i wanna do that with my right hand...u can't stop me***mind1
**i 'll hit you with left hand***mind2 on the right semi brain
**i hit ur ass with right hand***mind1 on the left semi brain
**ouch***mind2
**i got a piss***mind2
**i don't wanna piss at the moment***mind1
**i will piss in the pants***mind2
**ok....ok***mind1
after piss
**jessy: swings his dick to clean up***minds1
**don't do that , that's rude***mind2
**u got jealous with my controlling the dick, huh?***mind1
**u can swing the balls if u like!***mind1
**..............***mind2
a girl comes over......
**jessy:i'm gonna do that"***mind1
**i always can't get sex,that's not fair, can u let the dick to me for a moment?***mind2
**no way, get real!***
after freak out the girl n girl's gone......
**look wat u've done!***mind1
**better grab a porn mag to read***mind2
**good idear***mind1
**paging with right hand***mind1
**paging with left hand***mind2
two hands crashed n ruined the mag...
**i've had nuff***mind2
**ok, if u got anoyed, u can close ur eye***
jessy (left semi brain) is trying to close wizard's eye on the left.....
**f u c k i can't see***mind2
wizard (left semi brain) is trying to close jessy's eye on the right.....
jessy try to open the eye again....
and wizard try to close again...
the eye become like dims
and a war begins......
**wizard launchs 6 startalker torpentos to the left brain***mind2
**jessy blows the right brain aggresively with 4 red dragon type 3 guns ...***mind1
then the both of semis start expoloding......
trent n unkown character start escaping with the life pod.....
the fl story begins here.......

Edited by - Wizard on 10-06-2003 13:35:45
Edited by - jessy on 10-06-2003 13:35:45:
jessy=wizard=>two minds n two personality in one brain
that's why i say "i didn't mean that , but i mean that.....
say........ummmm....twisted...

**do not spamming!***
Edited by - Wizard on 10-06-2003 18:05:45

Edited by - lord of sunsystem on 11-06-2003 16:51:38

Tue Jun 10, 2003 9:01 am by Fear Factor

HI-LA-RIOUS!!!

Tue Jun 10, 2003 2:03 pm by Arcon

heh @wiz and lord
lol @ the date thingy [update: HEY, that wasnt there before, stop causing trouble lord

-arcon
------

Edited by - Arcon on 11-06-2003 17:54:26

Tue Jun 10, 2003 3:57 pm by Artic

ROLF, "the how to ruin a cybersex sesion is fun".

Wed Jun 11, 2003 4:54 am by Leonhart

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his a$$."

Edited by - leonhart on 11-06-2003 05:54:53

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