Thu May 15, 2003 2:22 am
Its great to be a guy...
Reasons it's great to be a guy:
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- Movie nudity is virtually always female.
- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
- Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained
weight.
- Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
- When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at
every shot of somebody crying.
- All your orgasms are real.
- You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere
you go.
- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
- Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
- If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
- You can write your name in the snow.
- Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
- Flowers fix everything.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
- You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
- Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a
room.
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
- You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without
ever thinking "He must be mad at me".
- The world is your urinal.
- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
- One mood, all the time
- You never have to drive on to another gas station because this
one's just too skeevy.
- You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
- You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.
- Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
- You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
- With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
- You don't mooch off others' desserts.
- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
- The remote control is yours and yours alone.
- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a
littlegift.
- Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
- You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
- You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
- You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the
bathroom.
- If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't
tell your other friends you've changed.
- Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
- You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw
it."
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
just might become lifelong buddies.
- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice
anything different?"
Things that suck about being a guy:
- The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
- External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
- Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood
chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
- Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
- You have to wear ties.
- You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
- "Women and children first."
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- Movie nudity is virtually always female.
- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
- Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained
weight.
- Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
- When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at
every shot of somebody crying.
- All your orgasms are real.
- You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere
you go.
- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
- Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
- If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
- You can write your name in the snow.
- Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
- Flowers fix everything.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
- You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
- Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a
room.
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
- You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without
ever thinking "He must be mad at me".
- The world is your urinal.
- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
- One mood, all the time
- You never have to drive on to another gas station because this
one's just too skeevy.
- You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
- You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.
- Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
- You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
- With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
- You don't mooch off others' desserts.
- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
- The remote control is yours and yours alone.
- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a
littlegift.
- Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
- You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
- You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
- You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the
bathroom.
- If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't
tell your other friends you've changed.
- Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
- You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw
it."
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
just might become lifelong buddies.
- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice
anything different?"
Things that suck about being a guy:
- The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
- External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
- Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood
chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
- Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
- You have to wear ties.
- You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
- "Women and children first."
