nice. its certainly got potential, and id like to see where you go with this.

so would i as it happens




Edited by - freighter fighter on 10/18/2004 3:39:15 PM

The story is quite good so far ff. Then again anything with drifting automatically gets a 50-point coolness bonus from me. One thing I've learned from posting here is that not everyone appreciates it when I just go ahead and post some (what I consider to be) constructive criticism. I'd be more than happy to offer you some if you're interested. If you aren't just let me know and I'll simply post the odd bit of simple praise or encouragement.

Oh, where did that other story of yours go? You know, the one with the blackout and break-in. It had promise; I was sorry to see it die.

Edited by - CODENAME on 10/18/2004 8:43:46 PM

i couldnt get anywhere with it, maybe i'll redo it sometime. and id love some constructive criticism.


here is some more :


An hour or so later, and the mechanic had finished with Nitro’s car.

Nitro started the engine, and was greeted with a low growl as the engine idled, due to the changes made. A smile spread over his face as he revved the engine a few times, and was greeted with a roar that would have scared a lion. Nitro got out of his car, to thank the mechanic, and gave him a $100 tip, the mechanic thanked him, and added with a chuckle “ Don’t go scaring the other racers away, I have a business to run you know.”

Nitro pulled out of the garage, oblivious to what awaited him down the road. Nitro pulled into a petrol station to buy some petrol and something to drink, he went to pay for the drink and the petrol, but was interrupted by a message on his PDA.

“ Hey bro, you better watch out, the vipers are looking for you, and they’re a tough bunch of racers with cars to match” the message was from Switch, a tuner he knew from downtown.

Nitro paid for the fuel, and the drink and decided to pay switch a visit to see what he could find out about these “Vipers”

Nitro pulled out from the petrol station, and headed onto the cross-town expressway, which connected the two halves of Pine Ridge. The expressway was empty, which was unusual, as during the rush hour you could almost walk the entire length of the expressway without touching the floor due to the volume of traffic fighting for a space.

Taking this opportunity to test the modifications to his mx5, he put his foot down on the accelerator, and rocketed away. The world transformed into a blur, he glanced down at his speedometer, which cheerfully displayed 230 mph. Nitro slowed down, to exit the expressway, and headed for downtown.

Downtown seemed like a completely different world with its bright colours and wide four lane roads in comparison to the bleak colours of the industrial district with its tight twisting roads.

Nitro had turned onto a side street, when he became aware of a green and black Nissan 350Z that had been following him since he had left the expressway.

The 350z rolled up beside him, it was impossible to see the driver, as the windows had been tinted black. “Hey speed demon” came the voice with a light latin accent, over the cars intercom, “ I was told by a friend you ‘ave a souped up ride” “ less see ‘ow fas that junk move before eet fall apart”

“ We go to the to the airport ” the challenger continued “I give you something good if you winna the race”


Edited by - freighter fighter on 10/20/2004 9:39:43 AM

Glad to see more. Even gladder that I can make some suggestions.

First, a blanket suggestion: Use shorter sentences. A story like this should have a kinetic, active feel even when there's no real action happening. Long sentences with lots and lots of commas and the odd semicolon tend to give the story a pedestian tone which conflicts with the theme.
For example:

---

Nitro pulled into a petrol station to buy some petrol and something to drink, he went to pay for the drink and the petrol, but was interrupted by a message on his PDA.

---

To me, this seems better:

---

Nitro pulled into a petrol station to buy some petrol and something to drink. As he went to pay * he was interrupted by a message on his PDA.

---

I hope you can appreciate the difference.
* You can drop the bit about what he's paying for; the reader should be able to figure that out.

Now, on to some specifics...

1. Who's Ice? He just sort of pops up without any sort of introduction in the first part of the story. I'm assuming he's another racer but a little more info about him would be nice. Either that or just drop him.

2. "The street was empty and the silence was deafening."
Drop the second "was", it reads better that way.

That's all for now, criticism-wise. I do like your descriptions, they really make the story come alive so keep them coming.

Here is some more


“You’re on” Nitro said.

A few moments later, and the only evidence that there had been of two cars on the street was a rapidly vanishing cloud of smoke and some rubber on the road. The two cars where an even match for each other, the only difference being the skill of the driver and a little arrogance on the part of the 350Z driver.

The two racers raced through downtown towards the expressway which would take them to the airport. Neon signs from various shops and parked cars slid by in a blur, the 350z powerslid around the corner, which he thought, would put some distance between him and Nitro, but he stayed glued to him.

A few moments later and they where tearing down the expressway, Nitro still behind the 350z.
“Come on buddy, my momma drive better than you” the 350z driver taunted Nitro.

“ Not for long “ Nitro shot back. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a switch with “N20” painted on it, he remembered he had it installed when he first started racing, but had never needed to use it.

He flipped the switch cover, and pressed the small red button underneath, his car shot forwards with so much force, it pinned nitro to his seat. The 350z driver also pushed his Nitrous Oxide button, but the only result was a little puff of smoke from his exhaust, he’d forgotten to have his refilled last week after a particularly hard race.

Nitro’s car had slowed down from what seemed to him like Mach 5, he glimpsed in his rear view mirror, but couldn’t see the 350z, so he settled down to concentrate on finding the airport. He found the off ramp, just as the 350z caught up to him.

The pair tore through a business park on the outskirts of the airport, past offices and under bridges designed for taxiing aircraft to reach the terminals.

The pair raced past the end of a runway just as a large airliner was landing, the turbulence from the four engines of the airliner caused Nitro to spin out. The 350z was not as lucky, he caught the full force of the four engines, which lifted the 350z from the ground, and sent him cart wheeling down the road, narrowly missing Nitro.

Nitro was a little dizzy from having been spun out at a high speed, but he managed to get out of his car, and went to help the 350z driver out of his car, the driver had managed to pull himself out of his car, along with some light cursing under his breath.

“I think you won” He said with a slight hint of pain in his voice. “My car is ruined, eet iz a good thing I ‘ad a roll cage put in my car."

Nitro walked back to his car to see if it was trashed, the front two tires had burst from his highspeed spin. " well " said nitro a little gloomily, "looks like we have a long walk back to the city"

"No wait" the 350z driver said " i send a message to some friends, they come pick us up and take the cars to be fixed " Nitro sat down on a grass verge to wait to be picked up, the 350z driver joined him a few seconds later.

"My name is Leo, but my friends call me Slice" he said. The two racers sat on the verge, listening to the chirping of crickets and watching the ocasional plane take off and land. Leo's PDA let out a short electronic beep. "it say my friend will be here with a tow truck, he come for us, and pick up the cars and take them to his shop to work on them"

No sooner had Leo finished speaking, his car started to leak petrol from its mangled engine, and it began to malevlolently snake its way towards Nitro's comparitivly pristine car. Nitro dashed to his car and fetched a small fire extinguisher. Meanwhile Leo had grabbed a firebucket full of sand and spread it infront of the advancing petrol.

Leo was almost finished throwing the sand over the petrol when an SUV pulled up beside him and a tow truck appeared behind nitro. Nitro
recognised the tow truck driver immediately, it was the mechanic who had installed the parts on his car earlier in the night. He climbed
out of the truck and went to survey the damage to the cars.

"Well it looks like you've been having fun, tell me what happened,"
he said. Leo recounted how he and Nitro had crashed. The driver of the SUV climbed out and walked over to the group.
" This is Teri, my wife, she will take you back to the shop, I have to get these cars loaded up"

Teri helped Leo, who was limping into the SUV, Nitro climbed in next to Leo

Teri was a photographer for Tuner magazine, she covers racing and showcase events in Pine View. As Teri pulled away, Leo looked sadly at
his wrecked car and sighed, "Don't worry Leo" Teri said "My husband is the best mechanic in the city, he'll have your ride
looking like new in no time." she said with a smile.

"I like what you've done with your ride Teri" Nitro said admiringly. Teri thanked Nitro and went on to explain how she modified the SUV
with some of the money she made from working with tuner magazine, and from taking it the occasional showcase event.

Teri asked Nitro what events he went in for, and began to explain how he got into drifting and how he and Leo had crossed paths. "That's
quite a story" Teri remarked " I'm covering the drift scene soon" she continued " I'll be doing a piece about the cars and the people
who drive them, would you like to be in it?"

" Yeah that would be cool " Nitro said. Nitro looked over to Leo who looked like he was in pain.

" You alright? " Nitro asked, visibly concerned.

" My leg, she hurts real bad " Leo replied, trying to hold back the pain.

" I'll take Leo to the hospital, Nitro I'll drop you off at the shop, Teri said.

Two minutes later, and Nitro climbed out of Teri's SUV as it was still moving, and Teri raced off to the hospital with Leo

Nitro went inside the shop, and found the mechanic examining Leo's 350z like a coroner performing an autopsy.

Great story ff

*gets down on knees and begs*

Please,please, please, if this isn't finished yet, you have to have a proper full on modded Skyline or RX-7 in this. Full Veilside bodykits, 200bhp NOS bottles, and more neon than Vegas!



Edited by - Bret Bretonian on 10/28/2004 12:22:09 PM

hmmm excellent idea * strokes stubble * i'll pass along to you my vehicles from nfsu 1 and nfsu2 when i get it

here be some more:

Without looking up from assessing Leo's car he said, "in case you are wondering, people call me Manifold," He continued, " I can repair and modify anything, but I love working on engines" He said with a gleam in his eye.

" How long will my car take to repair? " Nitro asked " I'll have your car ready by Wednesday, I'll have one of my other mechanics work on it
while I repair Leo's car " Manifold continued, "if you want I have an mx5 you can borrow until yours is fixed."

Nitro looked at a clock on the wall that read 2 am, and decided it was time to go to bed, he bade goodnight to manifold and drove home.

Nitro awoke the next day, to the sound of big fat raindrops spattering against the window and thunder in the distance. He opened the
curtains, and it seemed as though the world had been drained of colour, except for pools of yellow spilling onto the road from the
streetlights above. He went downstairs and switched on the TV.

A weather report came up on the channel.

"I'm afraid its bad news for Pine Ridge today folks, this storm looks set to stay over the town for a day or so" the forecaster said, almost
apologetically. The forecaster continued " People in low lying areas of the town are advised to move all valuables and personal
possessions to the top floor of their houses to prevent flood damage "

Nitro was glad he lived on a hill as he switched off his TV and went to make himself something for breakfast. After breakfast he sat down
to watch some more TV, His PDA beeped, the message was from Rachael, the organiser of street racing in Pine Ridge. " All races are off
until this weather clears up., " the message stated.

Rachael and the police had an understanding, all races will be after midnight, all racers must register themselves with the police and no
racing after 4 am and the only events to take place during the day are static showcase events at the Mc.Taggart Exhibition centre. It seemed
harsh but it was better than serving time in jail.

Another message came through, this one was from Teri. "Leo has a hairline fracture of his left leg, he'll be out of action for a few
weeks, there is a showcase event on today at the exhibition centre if you fancy a look." Nitro entered his garage and climbed into a ford
focus with a few safety modifications that he used for everyday driving.

The rain had eased slightly but the driving conditions where still quite treacherous. Nitro cautiously navigated his way through the
sodden streets. He pulled up to a set of traffic lights, and his car was almost drowned as a modified Humvee that had pulled up alongside.
Nitro eventually found the exhibition centre and drove inside.

He found a collection of various modified vehicles, including the Humvee that almost drowned his car.

One car that caught his eye was a modified Mazda RX7, it had been painted all over with a Union Jack, it was owned by a man named Brett,
he had put blue pulsing neon over the engine and in the boot, along with some huge bass speakers, as well as scissor doors and a body kit
style Nitro had never seen before.


Edited by - freighter fighter on 11/1/2004 12:23:43 PM

Sweet!!

Ya'll be my *****es in my RX-7. I will own everyone!!

not if i have anything to do with it bwahahahaha

Whens the next edition?

dunno sw, whenever i feel like writing more i guess

ff come on now lets see some more of that story. my right foot is getting heavy and i can almost smell the NOS!

And i don't like the tone of that laugh either

Edited by - Bret Bretonian on 11/8/2004 3:18:57 PM

The only criticism I have is what I personally think is 'over use' of the name.

Certainly in the first two, it tends to read:

nitro..............nitro.................... nitro.....................nitro....

You get the idea. During most points, there is no need to repeat his name - the reader will understand to whom you refer