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Well, A second Fan Fiction. No Guarantees.

Read, add and comment on excellent written stories by fans, set within the Freelancer universe

Post Thu Oct 06, 2005 1:53 am

Well, A second Fan Fiction. No Guarantees.

Well, I haven't been at TLR recently, due to the influence of a whole load of new games, school's getting harder, and I just havent been inclined to write anything recently, mainly because of a Hard Drive Corruption, dumping everything down the drain. I have returned though, and hope to start posting a relatively dedicated Fan Fic, and have the first chapter ready. If you like, please say so, and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is also welcome, as I am attepting to refine my writing style at the moment. Well, you're all here to read the story instead of listening to a ramble, arent you? Well, here it is.

The Beginning.
Kindjal swept through space, deep within the Borderworlds, scouting for a certain John Kent, an artifact smuggler. He had been assigned this mission by the Lane Hackers on Mactan, who thought this man’s cargo as extremely valuable. And that’s pretty much how Kindjal had ended up out here. It was just him and his good old Dagger, retrofitted with strengthened weapon hardpoints and a Power generator he picked up off a Corsair Centurion. His Dagger was painted Silver and Black, the colors of his cadre. He was an elite warrior, who would do anything for the right price. His shield was top notch, a Rank 8 Graviton shield that he had collected after a particularly hairy mission from the Red Hessians, involving Rheinland, a Battleship and 5 Starkiller Torpedoes. He had got out of that one by the skin of his teeth. He had an assortment of weapons, but used a Luger Type B Turret, two Wyrm Type 1 tachyon weapons and a pair of Luger Type C tachyon blasters. All that firepower and nothing to shoot at. But his coup de grace, was a Cloaking device he had obtained from a wreck in the Sigma 13 system, from a Rheinland Valkyrie. He sighed, bored. Stakeout missions were never fun, and he only took this because the Hackers had agreed to pay a 5-figure price for the Artifacts in Mr. Kent’s hold. His cloak was activated now, just at minimal power, to prevent being found by a quick scan. But if they looked hard, he would be found in no time.

Suddenly, his radar started to show something other than the normal asteroids, moving in their random directions. There was a clear signal coming from a high velocity object. Grinning, he uncloaked and flew out of cover, vectoring towards his target, now visible. He opened fire on the Heavy Fighter, an Outcast Stiletto. It’s shields coruscated, blocking the heavy fire with ease. The energy quickly dissipated, slightly amused, he fired a cruise disrupter, bringing the ship down to a far more manageable speed of 80 m/s. The pilot, presumably Mr. Kent turned around, and screamed into the radio, “You won’t take me, or my ship!” He opened fire on Kindjal with an assortment of weapons that were devastating, reducing his shields in an instant. Stunned, Kindjal slammed on his afterburner, flying evasively, attempting to shake the heavy fire. He weaved between asteroids, returning fire wherever possible. The other man was an outstanding flyer, nearly matching every one of Kindjal’s moves. Trying to desperately lose his opponent, Kindjal dropped a string of Ripper Mines, and killed his engine, flipping his ship around, effectively flying at 200 m/s backwards through an asteroid field. He waited for his quarry to come around the bend, ready to open fire at the slightest of warnings. Sure enough, the stiletto drifted around the corner, and was immediately reduced by the immense amount of weapons fire and mines. Acting quickly, Kindjal jammed down his tractor beam, taking in several weapons, and most importantly, the cargo. He took his hands off the controls, sweating. Only when he looked down he saw his hands were shaking with adrenaline. Smiling, he set course for the nearby Jump Hole, setting his autopilot to go via best course to Mactan. The Hackers had better pay well for this one.

Officer! I swear to drunk I'm not God!

Post Thu Oct 06, 2005 5:41 am

This is good!

The Computer, probably the best friend in the world!

Post Thu Oct 06, 2005 5:42 am

I would like to comment, if you don't mind some constructive criticism?

Post Thu Oct 06, 2005 11:41 pm

heh, I'd love you to. I need help with writing style, as my creative writing in English is pretty bad...

Officer! I swear to drunk I'm not God!

Post Fri Oct 07, 2005 1:14 am

I thought you started well and there's plenty of 'edgy' thriller to your short tale :_

Here's a suggestion of the first paragraph..



Kindjal swept through deep space far within the Borderworlds.

The freelancer repeatedly checked his scanners as he flew to his next waypoint. The Mactan Lane Hackers request was straightforwards; find an artifact smuggler named John Kent and return his apparently valuable cargo. There was no mention of what to do with the smuggler or his ship.


It's usually your opening paragraphs that tell the reader "should I go on reading?"

Make generous use of spaces, punctuation, grammar - is it easy to read?

There are several great links and guides at the top of this forum. Check them out!

Granted, FL is a techie's game and real fans probably know the codes for all the project weapons too, but sometimes a writer can get bogged down in too much detail (Graviton level 8 shield, could be replaced with "powerful Graviton shield".

Try to re-read your work after you've finished, 99% you'll pick something up that doesn't make sense or could be written better.

Finally, don't be afraid to keep trying. You'll find that TLR is one of the more contructively helpful and encouraging forums - we all start somewhere!

ttfn

x

Edited by - athena on 10/7/2005 2:19:44 AM

Edited by - athena on 10/7/2005 2:22:05 AM

Post Fri Oct 07, 2005 5:19 am

I totally agree with athena

I excel in competitive laziness...

Post Fri Oct 07, 2005 5:24 am

Thanks, I'll keep that In mind for my next chapter. It should be up by about... wednesday, if not earlier.

Officer! I swear to drunk I'm not God!

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