Very good start! Right in the heat of the action.

Yeah, good start.

Write more, so that I could give you proper feedback.

Hope it dont die as so many other Storys.

Keep it up.

Good start. Keep it up!

You've got the bait. Now give us the hook!

the 'reason' for the attack happened about a month ago some pirates were playing around with some alien technology they found recently. suddenly a huge bang ripped apart the fabric of the space time contimuin, engulfed the pirates and allowed all craft be they from the past, future or any fiction to pour into the sirius sector. within days they had a substansial spearhead to attack from. their only problem: with every good story or war there are at least two opposing sides. this lead to a lot of in-fighting as you could imagine. all sirius needed was for them to concider an alliance treachery or heresy and mop up the remainders. unfortuantly they decided to gang up and attack 'for the greater good'

back to the present: Richard succsesfully docked with the Hood and fixed his ship fully. then he reflected on the past few days incidents. a station destroyed, an entire squadron defeated, how close he himself had come to death, how they had got away without a single laser fired at them. "There will be reckoning for this!" he growled. once he was sure his ship was in working order he moved to the bar and looked at the news. finding no mention of Orillian how looked in the archives. he scanned down the headlines: synth paste growing ever popular, cardimane shipment intercepted, molly strikes agian... there! Orillian named as Order Leader. Richard head was sent reeling. wasn't it the Order who defeated the nomads? he grinned. there was a new xenos hunter in town

p.s. any intrest in a guest writer?

Edited by - xp194 on 8/6/2005 11:03:11 AM

You should probably split your paragraphs up a bit more, and watch the capitalizations.

youre ideas are very good. but you could elaborate SO MUCH MORE. It seems very fractured, and is hard to follow. Add more detail dont be afraid there is too much, there is never too much (well most of the time) chances are if you dont think there is enough, there isnt. The books that make you picture the scene, the ones that make you lost in the vivid world they creat do that through detail and elaboration. this story is like seeing the story on an old television, it just needs that little bit moreto make it crystal clear

ok taking in mind critics i'll try next bit

The Battleship Hood blasted out of the trade lane and joined up with the Osiris in i'ts parking orbit around Crete. Richard was transferred across for a breifing. incidently the Hood had had a makeover since the Nomad Crisis. it was: A. Much faster than an ordinary battleship and B. was now racing themed. Orillian looked at it, racing stripes and all, it was either heros or stupid people in this he thought. Why oh why can't I get a citizen levy? Then a fleet of Fics, as they where known passed by their posision, Osisris cloaked, Hood ran off bahind Crete. Orillian didn't blame it. It was suicide against these guy to remain unhidden.
"Sir a Richard Dallar to see you"
"Great send him to the Briefing Room and get him a drink. Tell him I'll be there soon"

Richard went to the indicated room. As soon as he saw the faces inside he did a double take. In front of him were Junk'o Zane, Edison Trent and Michael King, the Heroes of Liberty and the other houses. To his right was his sister, Julia Dallar, whom he hadn't seen in ages and to his left were the leaders of the colonies.
"What a celebrity get together" he growled walking to a spare seat when...
"Richy!" Shouted his sister, "Sit here!"
As famlilyhood is want he obilged and the two discussed their actions over the past years. she explained that she was working for a research group and she was the best test pilot they had. Then Orillian entered and sat down and began to explain everything he knew...

'checks down the fanfic forum'
hey look this is mine. i'd better finish it!
Orillian was in the middle of explaining.
"...And we do know that cardimane in large quantities gives them hives" he finished
"Thats a low list of weaknesses" commented Junk'o
Orillian reddened a little from embarrasment. "We're working on it, Juni" he snapped.
Richard started for the second time in as many hours. He was sure Junk'o wasn't happy about nicknames. But she didn't comment on it. Richard was worried though. the presence of these people made him want to go on the straight and narrow fully from now on. Julia, as if reading his mind, rounded on him.
"You know Richard, there's a lot to be said for a steady lifestyle. Maybe you should try it, just once."
With that she excused herself an left the table. Not that it mattered anymore. the meeting had pretty much finished. There was silence and holograms. The absence of banter and chit-chat cleared Richard's mind and an idea formed. He cleared his throat.
"ahem"
Unervingly all the eyes in the room were instantly fixed on him
"Err... well, if they are all allied for the moment then why can't we try and stir up the alliance. My bet is that they still don't trust each other. So stir up trouble and it might work."
Orillian liked it
"A few things." he said, "One it's lazy, Two it's lying, Three it's crazy, Four it's the only thing we've got so far and Five I like it."
feeling elated Richard headed to his quarters

You know its monday when your handgun backfires into your face