Blips on the Screen.

Wed Nov 03, 2004 5:13 pm by 666heretic

The day started the same, woke up on some plain station. Drank the same boring synthetic coffee. Had the same boring synthetic paste for breakfast. Got into his ship, a Hawk to be exact. He did the same boring Systems check....Life Support,OK, Engines, OK, weapons, Ok, shields, Ok. Everything A-O-K. The Transport pilot sends the signal that he's ready. He and another hawk join the formation of a Transport. Their destination...bah he couldnt care. He just wants the money. 20 minutes into the flight, a blip on the screen. Hackers. They drop out of the trade lane. The transports begin their slow turn back. He goes to engage. He gets the first hit. Couple of Erasers, one...no two...stalker shots. Boom, there goes the that Dagger. All of a sudden, a big fireball behind him. The Transport, it's gone. The once clean space becomes a junkyard. 4 of the 7 Daggers are gone. The transport is gone. Two hawks and 3 Daggers remain. He and his partner (whom he never met in person or even talked to) double up on one fo them. The other two take advantage and kill the partner. Oh well, more money for him. The dagger he was chasing is now a jig-saw puzzle. Then again, so is his partner......

20 minutes later, two Naval Forces Dragons arrive. They find a bunch of wreckage. From what they can tell a "honorable but short-lived pilot" fought here. And fought well. But not well enough. His body is now among the stars. As is his ship. His partner. The transport. The hackers.

and the Money.

The dragons go back, headed home, they don't care about Him, or the partner, or the hackers, or the transport. They care about their pay.

20 minutes into the flight, a blip on screen.....Hackers.

Wed Nov 03, 2004 6:50 pm by H.Q. Victor

666Heretic
Not too bad for a start, but, as you have not identified who "He" is, so when you place a "He did or said line", place a brake before starting it, as you are changing an action and you want to place attention on the Char.

The day started the same, woke up on some plain station. Drank the same boring synthetic coffee. Had the same boring synthetic paste for breakfast.

Got into his ship, a Hawk to be exact. He did the same boring Systems check....Life Support,OK, Engines, OK, weapons, Ok, shields, Ok. Everything A-O-K. The Transport pilot sends the signal that he's ready.

He and another hawk join the formation of a Transport. Their destination...bah he couldnt care. He just wants the money. 20 minutes into the flight, a blip on the screen. Hackers. They drop out of the trade lane. The transports begin their slow turn back. He goes to engage. He gets the first hit. Couple of Erasers, one...no two...stalker shots. Boom, there goes the that Dagger. All of a sudden, a big fireball behind him. The Transport, it's gone. The once clean space becomes a junkyard. 4 of the 7 Daggers are gone. The transport is gone. Two hawks and 3 Daggers remain.

He and his partner (whom he never met in person or even talked to) double up on one fo them. The other two take advantage and kill the partner. Oh well, more money for him. The dagger he was chasing is now a jig-saw puzzle. Then again, so is his partner......

Something like this, but also relook at the way you write. Some of it is first person and some of it is third person. You need to stay with one type as it make it hard to follow.

Edited by - Finalday on 11/3/2004 6:52:59 PM

Fri Nov 05, 2004 1:56 pm by 666heretic

First off, he isnt suppose to be named.

And its entirely third person. Not first person. There is no I or You or anything, just He. Sure it might seem like from his point of view, but we're actually looking at his daily routine from an semi-omnipotent view.

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