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Guy trouble

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Balthazar Furious

Post Tue Mar 01, 2005 5:59 pm

Guy trouble

Hey everyone, I’d like to share with you a little problem I’ve been having. You see, I was chatting with this guy online in Australia and we became really good friends. Well, then he apparently fell in love with me and ever since then we’ve been making plans to see each other. Unfortunately the distance was really killing me, and I had to work really long hours for little pay because it was the only job I could get. So I needed a really good and supportive friend, and one came in the form of another guy. Him and I have become a lot closer, with him knowing more secrets about me than my "boyfriend". In twelve months my bf will be coming to live with me, and I don't know if I have the ability to wait that long. My mum calls him obsessive and I'm starting to agree, and I can't keep loving someone who is so far away, can't keep putting in so much emotional and financial investment while gaining nothing in return. This other guy lives in the same country as me and in fact, quite near me. We've both started doing nightly jogs together and I can feel the feelings starting to appear for him. What should I do people of TLR? Should I stick with my current "bf" and wait it out for another year, or get what I've been craving for years and years in the guy who lives near me. Bear in mind that my "bf" and I have never actually met in real life. So, any thoughts, ideas?

Wilde

Post Tue Mar 01, 2005 6:03 pm

I'd go for the guy you've actually met...that's what I do, but the fact that I'm 13 should tell you something about my experiences in these matters. (Don't trust anything I say, in other words)

DSQrn

Post Tue Mar 01, 2005 6:06 pm

I think that he should visit you, if that is impossible you have two choices to keep on caring and waiting or to give up.

But i reccomend you pool your resources to meet. I am sure you know the basics of online saftey and all .

There is no easy answer. and love is always hardwork. but if you try you may pull through.

In the end, someone will have to make a sacrafice. and i wish you the best and strongest of luck with it

Chips

Post Tue Mar 01, 2005 6:08 pm

You have never met him in real life, so how do you know you know the 'real' him? Anyone online can put up a persona to whatever they wish to be - and act/represent themselves however they like.

In the flesh you can see reactions, emotions to circumstances and more. It doesn't matter how well you can talk over several subjects - but upon how well you can stand each others mannerisms, nuiances (spelt right? Who cares), personality, reactions to situations and more. Right now you have an unknown (I assume you have chatted on webcam at least?), compared to a know certainty. You can judge the guy you knows personality because you can witness and interact physically and emotionally across a wide spectrum - with little chance for mis-representation.
You cannot do that with someone you have never met, and there is no assurance that they are who they say they are.

My suggestion would be that if your happy with your current 'known' partner (not offical) - then thats your choice. Imagine the other arrived and had nasty habits, and that you couldn't stand living with him. Bit of an extreme time to find out isn't it?

Wizard

Post Tue Mar 01, 2005 8:02 pm

Well, then he apparently fell in love with me and ever since then we’ve been making plans to see each other.


The question here is, I think, do you love him? Or does just he sound like a nice guy who you want to see? Think about that before you decide anything.

If you're interested in my opinion: see how things work with that guy from your neighborhood (sp?).

Aravis

Post Wed Mar 02, 2005 10:08 pm

I'd go with the guy you know. But you never know he could be right for you.

@Chips : Nuances.

Wizard

Post Thu Mar 03, 2005 6:41 am

Care to update us on what you've decided (or what you're thinking about to decide) Balth?

Earendil

Post Thu Mar 03, 2005 7:20 am

Listen to your heart. It sounds like you already have chosen from your post.

Then I would say be honest. Tell your "bf" he's too far away and you feel it won't work out. Then tell him you met someone closer. If he's a true friend, he'll act like a friend and remain your friend. If he goes away mad, angry, violent, Turette syndrome spewing but especially goes away, then he was never a good friend and it's just as well he went away.

That's a needed step in every successful romantic relationship, friendship. I think you've discovered that already.

_____________
Earendil
SysAdmin of Boston Freelancer server
Server community website & forum: EarendilsPlace.net (server rules)

Codename

Post Thu Mar 03, 2005 7:27 am

Earendil makes a good point. I'd agree with him. Then again I'm utterly unqualified to make any sort of judgement in a case like this so maybe the fact that I think it looks attractive is a point against it. Whatever.

One thing I do know is that whatever choice you do make, you mustn't have any regrets. If you make the "right" choice - the one which makes you happier - then it would be silly to bring yourself down because you think you should have gone the other way. If you make the "wrong" choice - and end up less happy - then I guess you'll just have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and move on; if you let yourself wallow in self-pity you won't help anyone.

Whatever your choice, good luck.

Locutov

Post Thu Mar 03, 2005 7:44 am

well the apparent risk you are taking, is that the guy youve met over the internet, will be feeling used, BUT, there is ever so slightly a chance that he won't, but thats for another, if at all, its gonna be your life, although people are right about the online personalities.

Now, your relationship with the other.
Is he nagging you?? Is he so compulsive or obsessive that it runs into absolute boredom?? hes firm ground for you, the other isn't, he may know things about you, and you may have seen his picture, but that doesn't change the fact that he is still a bit of air, he may exist in that sense, but is all from real. id say, stick with the firm grounds, he knows you better, far better then the other, despite what you may think..

Balthazar Furious

Post Fri Mar 04, 2005 9:47 pm

Well guys, your advice has been great, but I'm still at a crossroads. It's so frustrating, I had a big talk with my "bf" and told him how sick I was of being apart for so long and also told him about some huge secrets, probably in some desperate attempt to make him hate me. It didn't work though, and that talk strengthened my resolve to stay with him somewhat. Bah! I sound like a total idiot who can't make up his mind and whines too much. I just can't bring myself to hurt him by ending it, he says stuff like he doesn't want to lose me and he loves me so very much. I never used to have compassion and it's annoying me, I'm considering going back to being my old hateful self and then I'll have no qualms about ending it. Sorry guys.

LLAMA

Post Sat Mar 05, 2005 3:10 am

Well, break up with him.

DSQrn

Post Sat Mar 05, 2005 5:59 am

Sorry bud but that will just hurt you more....

I can be a pretty cold hearted bastard but that is beyond me.

Wilde

Post Sat Mar 05, 2005 7:29 am

I've observed similar relationships with my older (half) siblings, and they never can hold together well. You could always try ending the romance, but keeping the friendship going...the relationship wouldn't be hindered by distance in the same way, and you could still keep in touch without hurting him.

Whatever you end up doing, best of luck with it.

Balthazar Furious

Post Fri Mar 11, 2005 2:54 am

Yay, I managed to end the relationship and still be friends afterwards. (Let's just say I found some justification) And now I'm going out with the guy in my neighbourhood. Thanks for all the advice guys, I'm glad I followed it.

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