Sat Feb 14, 2004 9:52 am
I don''t know what to say...
It's kind of long, and a weird post for a first post from a while away, but to those who read it, I guess I'm looking for some kind of solace... Here goes
It just hurts so incredibly much...
I gave her my heart; but last night I got it back... pulverished, crushed, crumpled, maimed, and otherwise broken...
She hurt me so much...
She seemed so happy; she told me she was happy; she told me she didn't want to lose what we had; it was something special...
Now she says (summed up) I'm getting in the way of something more important... (not to sound "religious" to those who aren't 'into' the whole Christianity thing, but) I was getting in the way of her relationship with God. I respect that. She's dealing with eternity right now, not here on earth alone.
She might have entered the relationship with me for the wrong reasons. The main reason; I'm convinced, was that she truly wanted to be around me; she liked me... But now, I think there was more to it than that. She said she just wanted to be in a relationship for the sake of having a boyfriend...because some of her friends had them. If that was the case, that was a mistake. Both of us were told that we were too young to be looking for a relationship by pretty much everyone we know. I wasn't looking for anything... I just fell into it.
I thought I was ok with it all; I care about her enough to know that she was dealing with reality and eternity. She has an undeniably valid reason. But I really have to wonder how much she thought about it before she decided to ruin my heart... One day; Wednesday... she seemed so glad to be with me... then BAM. "I don't/can't love you anymore. Maybe I never have... I don't want to hurt you more than I already have..." (too late)
So much can be read into the equation; Maybe it wasn't real for her like it was for me. Maybe she was "caught up in the moment." Maybe she was too naïve. Maybe she said the things she said because she felt obligated.
I guess I don't understand how feelings can end in a couple of hours. Unless it wasn't real to begin with. Which really hurts to no end. She told me she wanted to talk to me, hang out, etc... But it's like, she doesn't care if I stay in her life. The phrase "I don't care" says a lot.. She also said it a lot.
I would call her. She wouldn't talk. I would ask if she wanted me to go. "I don't care." I would ask if she wanted to do anything. "Sure." Give her a couple options. "I don't care."
She told me at the beginning; she had a gut feeling saying it was right. Look where that went. She told me in writing; she didn't want to lose what we had. Then she rejected it in a heartbeat. (now broken heart, but nonetheless...) She told me she wants to be my best friend, to be able to tell me anything. [why couldn't she do that before? She's going to have to work really hard to preserve anything... to make me her confidant... That hurts too; being told that because you loved someone, they couldn't tell you anything of actual importance.
In the beginning, she seemed to need me. To want to be around me, to talk to me... I gave her stability while she lived out of a suitcase in 6 different houses... while she lived with a mom who's been divorced twice and is living with her boyfriend, all while neglecting all the motherly duties, smoking cigarettes, pot, drinking... swearing at her 6 year old brother (from a different father) for dressing "gay"... Having a father in Oregon that she sees once in a blue moon.
Now it seems like she couldn't care less if I was a part of her life or not. Obviously she doesn't seem to think that her life changed -that- much because of me.. doesn't seem to think that her love counted for anything, if she really loved or not. She says it was real. If it was, how does it end just like that?
If it was "going with the flow" that started the relationship in the first place, it seems like it could play a factor in this situation as well. Her best friend decided to break up with her boyfriend today. "Oh, by the way! Happy Valentine's Day! I don't love you anymore! ^_^ I'm not happy in any relationship!" She said it has nothing to do with it. I can't help but have a very strong doubt in my mind that that's not entirely the truth.
I gave her my heart... She pretended to give me hers... Then she pulverized mine...
I'm not mad at her. I'm just immensely broken. If anything, I should be angry at myself for believing she was old enough and mature enough for her "love" to be real... I guess I was wrong.
... I loved her
It just hurts so incredibly much...
I gave her my heart; but last night I got it back... pulverished, crushed, crumpled, maimed, and otherwise broken...
She hurt me so much...
She seemed so happy; she told me she was happy; she told me she didn't want to lose what we had; it was something special...
Now she says (summed up) I'm getting in the way of something more important... (not to sound "religious" to those who aren't 'into' the whole Christianity thing, but) I was getting in the way of her relationship with God. I respect that. She's dealing with eternity right now, not here on earth alone.
She might have entered the relationship with me for the wrong reasons. The main reason; I'm convinced, was that she truly wanted to be around me; she liked me... But now, I think there was more to it than that. She said she just wanted to be in a relationship for the sake of having a boyfriend...because some of her friends had them. If that was the case, that was a mistake. Both of us were told that we were too young to be looking for a relationship by pretty much everyone we know. I wasn't looking for anything... I just fell into it.
I thought I was ok with it all; I care about her enough to know that she was dealing with reality and eternity. She has an undeniably valid reason. But I really have to wonder how much she thought about it before she decided to ruin my heart... One day; Wednesday... she seemed so glad to be with me... then BAM. "I don't/can't love you anymore. Maybe I never have... I don't want to hurt you more than I already have..." (too late)
So much can be read into the equation; Maybe it wasn't real for her like it was for me. Maybe she was "caught up in the moment." Maybe she was too naïve. Maybe she said the things she said because she felt obligated.
I guess I don't understand how feelings can end in a couple of hours. Unless it wasn't real to begin with. Which really hurts to no end. She told me she wanted to talk to me, hang out, etc... But it's like, she doesn't care if I stay in her life. The phrase "I don't care" says a lot.. She also said it a lot.
I would call her. She wouldn't talk. I would ask if she wanted me to go. "I don't care." I would ask if she wanted to do anything. "Sure." Give her a couple options. "I don't care."
She told me at the beginning; she had a gut feeling saying it was right. Look where that went. She told me in writing; she didn't want to lose what we had. Then she rejected it in a heartbeat. (now broken heart, but nonetheless...) She told me she wants to be my best friend, to be able to tell me anything. [why couldn't she do that before? She's going to have to work really hard to preserve anything... to make me her confidant... That hurts too; being told that because you loved someone, they couldn't tell you anything of actual importance.
In the beginning, she seemed to need me. To want to be around me, to talk to me... I gave her stability while she lived out of a suitcase in 6 different houses... while she lived with a mom who's been divorced twice and is living with her boyfriend, all while neglecting all the motherly duties, smoking cigarettes, pot, drinking... swearing at her 6 year old brother (from a different father) for dressing "gay"... Having a father in Oregon that she sees once in a blue moon.
Now it seems like she couldn't care less if I was a part of her life or not. Obviously she doesn't seem to think that her life changed -that- much because of me.. doesn't seem to think that her love counted for anything, if she really loved or not. She says it was real. If it was, how does it end just like that?
If it was "going with the flow" that started the relationship in the first place, it seems like it could play a factor in this situation as well. Her best friend decided to break up with her boyfriend today. "Oh, by the way! Happy Valentine's Day! I don't love you anymore! ^_^ I'm not happy in any relationship!" She said it has nothing to do with it. I can't help but have a very strong doubt in my mind that that's not entirely the truth.
I gave her my heart... She pretended to give me hers... Then she pulverized mine...
I'm not mad at her. I'm just immensely broken. If anything, I should be angry at myself for believing she was old enough and mature enough for her "love" to be real... I guess I was wrong.
... I loved her
