Wed Jun 25, 2003 5:22 pm
4 things that could have improved The Matrix: Reloaded
I felt the Matrix: Reloaded was a sensible, delightful little film involving sophisticated philosophy and long go-nowhere fight scenes. I hate to say it, but they some how managed to make fight scenes boring (something I didn't think was physically possible until I watched this movie--they were too long with no pay off, unless you consider Neo running away like a scared little boy in every scene climactic). So without further ado, heres 4 things that could have improved The Matrix: Reloaded.
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1. Replacing Keanu Reeves with a wooden plank with a mean face on it.
The subtle point here is the mean face: without it, Reeves would be on par with a wooden plank, except a bit more rigid. He approaches every scene with the steadfast determination of a moron running into a wall. I have a theory as to why Keanu's acting is so crappy: a long time ago when he "made it big" with Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, a lot of people were probably trying to kiss his ass because he became a huge celebrity and people are shallow, so they have to fill their boring lives with trivial bullsh*t like clinging onto celebrities. Since then, he has surrounded himself by suck-ups, and everyone's too afraid to tell him that his acting sucks. It's never going to change, because Keanu (what kind of name is that anyway? Sounds like a foreign car company) keeps surrounding himself by suck-ups, so he'll keep making crappy movies forever. At least if they replaced him with a wooden plank, the plank would have an excuse to have the same stupid look on its face all the time.
2. A Girl
I wouldn't have minded this movie so much if I would have remembered to bring my girlfriend to the theater. At least then I could have gotten some action instead of being patronized by stupid bullsh*t about "causality." Good job you shrubs, you've managed to surface the underlying philosophy of just about every other movie in existence.
3. A laptop with Freelancer
If i had brought my laptop with freelancer, i wouldnt have felt that i had 2 hours of my life stolen from me by some pointless garbage. Guess what everyone, machines need us to work! WOW!! The most logical assumption became a thirty minute discussion between keanu and an old cabbage.
4. A time machine so you can go back in time and warn yourself not to see The Matrix: Reloaded.
Enough said.
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Even if you disagree with everything bad I've said about this movie, there's one point I think everyone can agree on: Keanu Reeves' ass does not need to be seen, ever. Not only do they show you his pasty white ass, they do it in the most contemptible way possible: right after a titty scene. They try to trick you into some sensible porn, then WHAM. Keanu's corn hole. There's an acceptable degree to how many times his ass can be shown in a movie, and that degree is either 0, or negative (negative means that Keanu Reeves' ass gets cut off, which would rule). On a side note, in case you get in an argument with a Matrix nerd cult member, the "Keanu's ass" argument always wins. It's like playing rock, paper, scissors and sucker punch to the throat. The sucker punch always wins. Don't believe me? Try it: next time a Matrix nerd starts rambling on about "Christological symbolism" and other geeky sh*t that nobody cares about, just say the magic words. I guarantee you'll either win the argument, or give the impression that you're an acute homophobe. Either way you win.. sort of.
Oh and if u feel the need to flame this, dont.
I also give full credit of this to Maddox at http://maddox.xmission.com
Edited by - Skycom on 26-06-2003 03:10:34
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1. Replacing Keanu Reeves with a wooden plank with a mean face on it.
The subtle point here is the mean face: without it, Reeves would be on par with a wooden plank, except a bit more rigid. He approaches every scene with the steadfast determination of a moron running into a wall. I have a theory as to why Keanu's acting is so crappy: a long time ago when he "made it big" with Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, a lot of people were probably trying to kiss his ass because he became a huge celebrity and people are shallow, so they have to fill their boring lives with trivial bullsh*t like clinging onto celebrities. Since then, he has surrounded himself by suck-ups, and everyone's too afraid to tell him that his acting sucks. It's never going to change, because Keanu (what kind of name is that anyway? Sounds like a foreign car company) keeps surrounding himself by suck-ups, so he'll keep making crappy movies forever. At least if they replaced him with a wooden plank, the plank would have an excuse to have the same stupid look on its face all the time.
2. A Girl
I wouldn't have minded this movie so much if I would have remembered to bring my girlfriend to the theater. At least then I could have gotten some action instead of being patronized by stupid bullsh*t about "causality." Good job you shrubs, you've managed to surface the underlying philosophy of just about every other movie in existence.
3. A laptop with Freelancer
If i had brought my laptop with freelancer, i wouldnt have felt that i had 2 hours of my life stolen from me by some pointless garbage. Guess what everyone, machines need us to work! WOW!! The most logical assumption became a thirty minute discussion between keanu and an old cabbage.
4. A time machine so you can go back in time and warn yourself not to see The Matrix: Reloaded.
Enough said.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Even if you disagree with everything bad I've said about this movie, there's one point I think everyone can agree on: Keanu Reeves' ass does not need to be seen, ever. Not only do they show you his pasty white ass, they do it in the most contemptible way possible: right after a titty scene. They try to trick you into some sensible porn, then WHAM. Keanu's corn hole. There's an acceptable degree to how many times his ass can be shown in a movie, and that degree is either 0, or negative (negative means that Keanu Reeves' ass gets cut off, which would rule). On a side note, in case you get in an argument with a Matrix nerd cult member, the "Keanu's ass" argument always wins. It's like playing rock, paper, scissors and sucker punch to the throat. The sucker punch always wins. Don't believe me? Try it: next time a Matrix nerd starts rambling on about "Christological symbolism" and other geeky sh*t that nobody cares about, just say the magic words. I guarantee you'll either win the argument, or give the impression that you're an acute homophobe. Either way you win.. sort of.
Oh and if u feel the need to flame this, dont.
I also give full credit of this to Maddox at http://maddox.xmission.com
Edited by - Skycom on 26-06-2003 03:10:34
