Thu Jun 05, 2003 8:35 pm
Support Your Local Sheriff.
Cop Humor. 
How to piss off a cop.
1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's
no blood in my alcohol?"
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to
race.
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my
speedometer doesn't go that high.
5) Touch him.
6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a
hat.
7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
Refer to him by his first name.
9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10) When he says no, cry.
11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a
nice way.
13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw
yourself on the hood.
14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that
way.
15) When he puts handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me
dinner first"
16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink
on your fingers.
17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops!
That's the wrong name."
18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I
just ate the last one.
19) When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration,
please" right when he says it.
20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I
can't hear you!"
21) Trip and fall into him.
22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to use
his pen.
24) Chew on the pen, nervously.
25) Clean your ear with the pen.
26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought your
name sounded familiar....
28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask
him how the plumbing was.
29) Act like you are retarded.
30) When he is telling you what you did wrong, start repeating
him, quietly.
31) Or mumble to yourself.
32) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talking about,
DUDE?
33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here
tonite......
34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
35) When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like
yours!
36) Ask if he watches Cops.
37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
38) Giggle if he did.
39) Talk to your hand.
40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and he Five Favorite
Friends.
41) Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.
42) When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in
my car, the last cop got it.
44) Try to sell him your car.
45) Ask if you can buy his car.
46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in the front.
47) Play with the siren.
48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for
dinner.
50) Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.
51) Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in
tongues.
54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the
fencing.
56) Turn your head and whistle.
57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do
with that.
58) If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the
corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
60) Ask if you can see his gun.
61) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to
see if mine was bigger.
62) Stare at the lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
63) Tell him you like men in uniform.
64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
Things Not To Say To The Officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a
cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high
school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained
specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us
does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can
outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to
work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far
they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun
fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas
pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
How to piss off a cop.
1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's
no blood in my alcohol?"
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to
race.
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my
speedometer doesn't go that high.
5) Touch him.
6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a
hat.
7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
Refer to him by his first name.
9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10) When he says no, cry.
11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a
nice way.
13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw
yourself on the hood.
14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that
way.
15) When he puts handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me
dinner first"
16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink
on your fingers.
17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops!
That's the wrong name."
18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I
just ate the last one.
19) When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration,
please" right when he says it.
20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I
can't hear you!"
21) Trip and fall into him.
22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to use
his pen.
24) Chew on the pen, nervously.
25) Clean your ear with the pen.
26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought your
name sounded familiar....
28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask
him how the plumbing was.
29) Act like you are retarded.
30) When he is telling you what you did wrong, start repeating
him, quietly.
31) Or mumble to yourself.
32) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talking about,
DUDE?
33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here
tonite......
34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
35) When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like
yours!
36) Ask if he watches Cops.
37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
38) Giggle if he did.
39) Talk to your hand.
40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and he Five Favorite
Friends.
41) Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.
42) When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in
my car, the last cop got it.
44) Try to sell him your car.
45) Ask if you can buy his car.
46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in the front.
47) Play with the siren.
48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for
dinner.
50) Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.
51) Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in
tongues.
54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the
fencing.
56) Turn your head and whistle.
57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do
with that.
58) If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the
corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
60) Ask if you can see his gun.
61) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to
see if mine was bigger.
62) Stare at the lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
63) Tell him you like men in uniform.
64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
Things Not To Say To The Officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a
cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high
school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained
specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us
does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can
outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to
work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far
they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun
fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas
pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
